draliman on life

Don’t you just love those “You’ve won a prize!” letters that come through the letterbox? You know the ones – they make it very clear you’ve won a massive stereo or a games console (until you read the very small print). One of these arrived on the doorstep the other day. I thought I’d analyse it for a bit of fun.

Wow, I’ve won a TV!

It's ready to be shipped out to me!

Hooray! Let’s ignore the words “if applicable” for now. They’re probably not important. I’ve won a TV!

I am such an idiot!

I only had one thing to do, and I didn't do it!

Surely I forgot to send back my prize claim – only a mad fool wouldn’t want to claim this fantastic prize. I’m so stupid – I only had to remember to do one thing, and I couldn’t even do that! This is worded so aggressively, they must be quite anxious to give me my prize.

Everyone’s human

Phew - I still have a few days left to claim my TV.

Well, apparently this is just a reminder. It’s OK – it’s not too late! Everyone forgets to do things and I’ve still got time to claim my prize! But I can’t delay, I’d better post it off now.

It’s ready to ship!

LCD parcel? Is that an actual TV or what?

It’s there in the warehouse ready for me – as soon as I respond they’ll send me my LCD screen parcel! Hang on though – is there a difference between “LCD Screen” and “LCD Screen parcel”? I think I’d better take a quick look at the terms and conditions. (I couldn’t take a decent picture of the small print. It was too, well, small.)

“Upon receipt of the documents, the addressees cannot make any conclusion about the exact nature of the prize they awarded.”

But didn’t it say I’d won a TV?

If I don’t reply, it gets serious

The General Manager himself is dealing with me!

Yes, the General Manager himself is going to have to deal with me!

Another win!

I can't believe my luck!

I’ve also won thousands of pounds – this is indeed my lucky day!

Hang on, they’ve worded this as a statement of fact, but what’s that question mark doing at the end? And what does that asterisk refer to?

I haven’t actually won anything, have I?