draliman on life

This week for Kerrie’s Chain Writing Game we’ve been invited to write a companion piece to one of the stories we’ve written during weeks 1 to 3. Having already written “Jorge’s Story” from “Have You Seen Helen“, I’ve decided to write interviews from prison with two of the characters from “A Bloody Monday Morning“.

I’ve been really strapped for time this week so I’ve hammered this in quite quickly (being close to the deadline and all). I hope I haven’t accidentally introduced any continuity errors 😦

Other companion stories can be found here.

This is just a quick bit of fun (I didn’t want to miss out on a Chain Writing week). And so, without further ado, and with very little editing, I present to you “Jed and Charley – Behind Bars”!

Jed and Charley – Behind Bars

At last, my big break! As an inspiring journalist I’ve long dreamt of the big stories. And what does my editor insist on giving me?

“Man stuck in toilet – freed after neighbours hear screams.”

“Cat stuck in tree – it’s still there.”

“Picture of Satan discovered on morning toast.”

See what I mean? But now I have the chance of a lifetime. The chance to interview some of the criminals involved in “The Strange Affair of People Disappearing and Being Hunted to Death and Whatnot for Snuff Films”. Do you like the title? I coined it myself.

The regular crime reporter has been taken ill with a mysterious case of food poisoning BWAHAHAHAHA and so here I am at the maximum security prison in which they are incarcerated. All except for janitor/handyman Fred Ratchett, 34, a seeming innocent in this case. It appears that due to an unfortunate bureaucratic mishap he was mistaken for one of the “men behind the curtain” and summarily executed. His last words are reported to be “Who? No, that’s Ratchett with an R, you want Fred Hatchett ughhhhhh…”.

Fred is survived by his wife Molly and children Holly (12) and Dolly (7).

My first interview is with Jed, one of the security guards. Although he was shot, he has now recovered and is willing to tell his side of the story.

Draliman: So, Jed. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Jed: A few minutes out of solitary is worth the indignity of talking to gutter press scum.

Draliman: Um, well, what brought you into the employ of such disreputable people?

Jed: I like to hurt people.

Draliman: Do you want to hurt me?

Jed: I want to rip your testicles off.

Draliman: Holy… guard, could you check this guy’s restraints? Really? Good. Jed, did you enjoy your employment?

Jed: I got to hurt people on a daily basis.

Draliman: Um, that’s great! Did you do anything else?

Jed: Of course. I was not just the muscle. They sent me out to find the girls. Charley chose them, I reeled them in.

Draliman: And how did you accomplish that?

Jed: Through my Hollywood good looks and godlike charm.

Draliman: Riiight. And if they resisted?

Jed: That is what we needed for the game. Some spirit! If they were too tame, well… their bodies will never be found! Bwahahahaha!

Draliman: You really are a screwed up psychopathic lunatic, aren’t you?

Jed: Thank you.

Draliman: That wasn’t a compliment. Tell me about your early life.

Jed: I always knew I was special. I had talents. As a young child I spent many happy hours pulling the legs off…

Draliman: Spiders? Flies?

Jed: … other children.

Draliman: Uhh, umm, I see. And what do your parents think about all this?

Jed: They are no longer with us.

Draliman: I’m sorry.

Jed: They… annoyed me.

Draliman: Moving on… why did you smash your boss, Snyder, over the head with a computer keyboard?

Jed: I couldn’t find anything heavier.

Draliman: I mean, why did you do it?

Jed: It pleased me to do so.

Draliman: You are getting some top-rate psychiatric help in here, aren’t you?

Jed: I am not.

Draliman: Well, thank you for your time, Jed.

Jed: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

After my rather disturbing interview with Jed, I proceeded to the women’s prison down the road, where I met Charley. She is described as the “recruitment officer”. However, the women she “recruited” were not chosen for their office skills, as we shall see.

Draliman: Hello, Charley, and thanks for seeing me.

Charley: I fail to see why I am here.

Draliman: To talk to me!

Charley: No, in this prison, you fool. I worked in Human Resources. What has any of this to do with me?

Draliman: Well, that’s not entirely true, is it?

Charley: Of course it is!

Draliman: Do you deny that you chose the women for this sick game?

Charley: I deny nothing! I found the women. That is what an HR officer does.

Draliman: But you knew what was going to happen to these women! To be sent to a horrible arena somewhere, hunted to the death for sport!

Charley: What happened to the women after I recruited them is none of my concern. I merely got them through the door, in my capacity as HR officer.

Draliman: And right out the door and off to a weird place, controlled by Snyder and yourself!

Charley: Any suggestions were merely made in my capacity as HR officer. I have done nothing wrong!

Draliman: You, young lady, are living in denial.

Charley: If I choose to live in denial then I live there in my capacity as HR officer! I am as much a victim as those women! My job is gone, my prospects cut short!

Draliman: I’m beginning to believe that this interview is going nowhere.

Charley: This interview is going nowhere in my capacity as HR officer!

Draliman: That doesn’t even make sense.

Charley: Then, in my capacity as HR officer, I have to regretfully inform you that your services are no longer required. Guard? Guard? Show me today’s prison intake, that I might vet them for admittance (in my capacity as HR officer).

As you can see, Charley is clearly having problems adjusting to life behind bars. She’s off in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Very sad.

And now I shall return to the office and write this up. And move house. And possibly change my name. When’s Jed up for parole?