draliman on life

Evil Squirrel over at the Nest is holding a competition! We get the chance to win UD$20 worth of squirrel-themed thongs, or some such, from his squirrel shop.

Squirrel-themed thongs, I hear you ask? No, I didn’t believe it either – click here for the proof.

According to the rules of the competition, the entry can be anything we like as long as it contains a squirrel, a possum and a unicorn. Sounds like the ideal opportunity to make a childish play on the word “nuts” to me (desperately hoping as I do so that it has the same slang meaning in the rest of the English-speaking world as it does in the UK).

So here is my cute little children’s story – “Where’s My Nuts?” (Warning – not suitable for children, unless they don’t know that “nuts” is slang for “testicles” in which case it’s fine.)

Where’s My Nuts?

Where are my nuts? Where could they be?

Squirrel was in a terrible state. He couldn’t find his nuts! He thought he knew where he’d buried them, but he must have been mistaken.

He looked high and low, over hill and over dale. He looked under the tree. He looked in the old tree stump. No nuts!

Squirrel didn’t know what to do. He sat under his favourite tree and started to cry.

“Why are you so sad, Squirrel?” came a voice.

Squirrel looked up from under his tree. Before him stood a magnificent creature, reminiscent of a horse, with a glossy white coat and a horn protruding from its forehead.

“Yes, yes, I am a unicorn,” said the creature. “Glorious am I not? Bow down before me, lesser creature of the woods!”

Squirrel bowed down.

Behold my awesomeness!

“My question again, lowly one,” said Unicorn. “Why so sad?”

“I cannot find my nuts,” said Squirrel despondently.

“Nuts!” guffawed a voice from behind the tree. “Hee hee!”

“Who is there?” demanded Unicorn.

“It’s me, Possum!” said the voice. A small creature appeared from behind the tree, and sure enough, it was Possum. “Arf arf!” continued Possum. “He’s lost his ‘nuts’!”

“Ignore him,” Unicorn advised Squirrel. “Come, we shall search for your nuts…”

“Guffaw!”

“… as it is my duty to help the lesser beings,” finished Unicorn, glaring at Possum. “My horn has magic powers.”

“Thank you, oh Majestic One!” said Squirrel, a little more cheerfully. “For without my nuts I…”

“… can’t have children! Guffaw!”

“… will go hungry,” continued Squirrel.

Hee hee! Guffaw!

And so the new chums looked high and low, over hill and over dale, under all the trees and inside all the old tree stumps. They still couldn’t find Squirrel’s nuts!

“Maybe someone has stolen them?” thought Squirrel aloud. “But who would want to eat my nuts?”

Possum was laughing so hard he couldn’t speak.

“Wait,” said Unicorn, “what’s that there?” He pointed to a patch of recently-disturbed earth next to the fence. “Search there, Squirrel. I believe my horn has found your nuts.”

Possum’s face was turning red and tears were streaming from his eyes.

Squirrel raced to the fence and began to dig.

“I’ve found something!” he called. “I can feel my nuts!”

Possum was banging his feet on the ground, trembling with mirth, his face getting redder by the second.

“Yes!” shouted Squirrel. “Yes! My nuts are in my paws!”

Possum gave one last guffaw and twitched. Blood trickled from his eyes and he went limp.

Squirrel thanked Unicorn.

“My pleasure, minion of the forest,” said Unicorn, and pranced majestically away.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except Possum who had, quite literally, laughed himself to death.

The End.