draliman on life

Here is my second story about Vera, the doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who unwittingly gets herself into situations and, completely oblivious to the danger she’s in, extricates herself. The first story, “Vera Versus the Devil“, in which she outwits the Devil Himself, is here.

Vera Versus the Muggers

“Awright, Grandma. Hand over yer purse!”

“Eeh, you’re a bunch o’ strappin’ lads. Me grandson’s about your age, do you know ‘im? Nigel he’s called, probably goes to your school?”

“Um… jus’ hand over the money, Grandma.”

“Look, here’s a picture. Isn’t he lovely!”

“Hmm, he does ring a bell, um… hey, money!”

“Ooh, I can see your underpants. You need a belt. Why don’t we go belt shopping and then we can have a nice cuppa.”

“This is the fashion! Cash and cards or I slash ya!”

“Is that a Kitchen Master chopping knife? Good with carrots, that knife.”

“Um, what? Carrots?”

“Don’t I know you? Ooh, you’re Marjorie’s lad. Nathaniel.”

“It’s ‘Snake’! Jus’ hand over the money!”

“Eeh, I used to look after you when Marjorie was out shoppin’. You used to call me ‘Auntie Vera’. Did yer nappie rash ever clear up?”

“Auntie Vera, please! Not in front of my crew!”

“Who’s this? Is this your girlfriend? I’m Nathaniel’s Auntie Vera. I bathed him when he were knee-high to a grasshopper. Sorry about his tiny tinky winky, dear.”

“Oh Hell. Please, make her stop.”

“Why don’t you all come with me to bingo? They have smashing prizes and they do a lovely bit o’ Madeira cake and a tasty cuppa… ooh, where did they go? Youth today mutter mutter no respect for their elders mutter mutter I’ll be havin’ a word with Marjorie about this mutter mutter…”