draliman on life

Here is my post for Laura’s Literary Lion. The prompt word this time is “gamble” and I’ve managed to get it just under the 400 word limit. Which is quite long, but don’t worry, it’s all dialogue!

This is Vera’s third adventure. Vera is a rather doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who manages to get herself into all sorts of situations but always manages to extricate herself while remaining largely oblivious to the danger she’s in. Her other adventures are Vera Versus the Devil and Vera Versus the Muggers. This time, she’s off on a jolly to Las Vegas, America.

“Eee, look at this place, I think I’ll try the slots…”

Push. Shove.

“… eh, me money ain’t goin’ in…”

Shove. Bang.

“Excuse me Madam, what seems to be the trouble?”

“… ooh, you’re a strapping young lad, jus’ like me friend Ethel’s boy, do ya know ‘im, ‘e’s ‘bout your age, me money won’t go in the machine….”

“Ah, that’s English coinage, Madam, you’ll…”

“… if me money’s good enough fer the Queen (bless ‘er) it’s good enough fer me…”

“You’re in America, now Madam, so you…”

“… when I were a lass, all this were the British Empire…”

“Ha ha, Madam, very funny, now if I could ask you to…”

“… don’t you laugh at me, young man, me cousin Beryl’s youngest daughter’s hairdresser’s second cousin’s granny once stood this close to the Queen this close she’s prac’ly royalty so don’t you laugh at me…”

“I do apologise Madam (security to the slots, security to the slots), if you could just calm down a little…”

“…don’t you tell me to calm down, no respect fer yer elders your generation…”

“FREEZE! Don’t move!”

“… eee, who’s this now, waving yer gun around, what you need is a nice calming cup ‘a tea, now where did I put me flask, here in me handbag…”

“GUN!”

Blam. Ping!

“… eh, will you look at that, you’ve punctured me flask, that’s lovely Yorkshire tea all goin’ ta waste, all the way from England too…”

“Shit, I thought you were reaching for a gun…”

“… it’s just not good enough, does your mamma know you’re running round with a gun…”

“I’m so sorr…”

“… it would never have happened in my day, the youth today, no respect…”

“Madam, please…”

“… shooting people left right and centre, shouldn’t be allowed..”

“Oh God…”

“… there ought ta be a law, shooting little old ladies indeed, I never saw the like…”

“Excuse me, Madam, I’m the manager and as an apology, and on the understanding you never mention this little… incident again, we would like to offer you a thousand dollars worth of chips…”

“… ooh, I could just go some fish ‘n chips right now, that sounds lovely with a nice cup ‘o tea, lead on, did I tell you about me grandchildren, look, here’s a picture, ooh, there’s a bullet hole in it ramble ramble mutter mutter…”