Literary Lion – Vera Versus Las Vegas
Here is my post for Laura’s Literary Lion. The prompt word this time is “gamble” and I’ve managed to get it just under the 400 word limit. Which is quite long, but don’t worry, it’s all dialogue!
This is Vera’s third adventure. Vera is a rather doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who manages to get herself into all sorts of situations but always manages to extricate herself while remaining largely oblivious to the danger she’s in. Her other adventures are Vera Versus the Devil and Vera Versus the Muggers. This time, she’s off on a jolly to Las Vegas, America.
“Eee, look at this place, I think I’ll try the slots…”
Push. Shove.
“… eh, me money ain’t goin’ in…”
Shove. Bang.
“Excuse me Madam, what seems to be the trouble?”
“… ooh, you’re a strapping young lad, jus’ like me friend Ethel’s boy, do ya know ‘im, ‘e’s ‘bout your age, me money won’t go in the machine….”
“Ah, that’s English coinage, Madam, you’ll…”
“… if me money’s good enough fer the Queen (bless ‘er) it’s good enough fer me…”
“You’re in America, now Madam, so you…”
“… when I were a lass, all this were the British Empire…”
“Ha ha, Madam, very funny, now if I could ask you to…”
“… don’t you laugh at me, young man, me cousin Beryl’s youngest daughter’s hairdresser’s second cousin’s granny once stood this close to the Queen this close she’s prac’ly royalty so don’t you laugh at me…”
“I do apologise Madam (security to the slots, security to the slots), if you could just calm down a little…”
“…don’t you tell me to calm down, no respect fer yer elders your generation…”
“FREEZE! Don’t move!”
“… eee, who’s this now, waving yer gun around, what you need is a nice calming cup ‘a tea, now where did I put me flask, here in me handbag…”
“GUN!”
Blam. Ping!
“… eh, will you look at that, you’ve punctured me flask, that’s lovely Yorkshire tea all goin’ ta waste, all the way from England too…”
“Shit, I thought you were reaching for a gun…”
“… it’s just not good enough, does your mamma know you’re running round with a gun…”
“I’m so sorr…”
“… it would never have happened in my day, the youth today, no respect…”
“Madam, please…”
“… shooting people left right and centre, shouldn’t be allowed..”
“Oh God…”
“… there ought ta be a law, shooting little old ladies indeed, I never saw the like…”
“Excuse me, Madam, I’m the manager and as an apology, and on the understanding you never mention this little… incident again, we would like to offer you a thousand dollars worth of chips…”
“… ooh, I could just go some fish ‘n chips right now, that sounds lovely with a nice cup ‘o tea, lead on, did I tell you about me grandchildren, look, here’s a picture, ooh, there’s a bullet hole in it ramble ramble mutter mutter…”
Thay ‘ave nutty blighters in Las Vegas, now, but nuthin’ the likes of yorn Vera …. (er, did I get the brogue right and all?)
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Very good 🙂
No-one’s as nutty as Vera!
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Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But not for Vera. Haha!
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I’m not sure she even knows she’s in Vegas 🙂
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Well, our Vera’s getting herself about a bit lately. She’ll have them folks in Vegas eating out of her hand before long. Talking of eating…. I hope she enjoys her chips – plenty of salt and vinegar, mind. 🙂
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It’s easier just to go along with Vera. I hope she’s not too disappointed to find out her “chips” are plastic and only work at the roulette table 🙂
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As a northern lady, the word chips would mean only one thing to Vera. I don’t think she’ll be too disappointed when she finds out she can have a jolly good ‘play’ at roulette with her plastic ones. 🙂
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🙂
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Hilarious.
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She is pretty adorable. And it is so funny she doesn’t know what is really happening around her. I hope someone shows her a card came or at least how to work a slot machine so she can do some gambling. But she’ll probably keep talking to whoever crosses her path, so never mind…
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I think anyone trying to teach her how to play the slots or cards is in for quite the evening 🙂
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I’ve long since learned never to mess with a little old lady and her slot machine… I’d make damn sure to steer clear of Vera!
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I’m imagining a big empty space around her as she plays, lost in her own world…
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Hmm. Who is Vera … really? Hmm. I think there’s more to that lady than we see on the surface 🙂
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It’s possible she’s more aware than she lets on…
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I really need to teach you Vegas speak my friend. The word Madam doesn’t exist in the Nevada vernacular and casinos never give away money. Feel free to correct my British English at any time Ali.
😎 It’s Vegas baby.
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A “Madam” would own a brothel in Nevada.
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Crumbs – don’t even mention that to Vera, you’ll never hear the last of it 🙂
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I had a feeling they wouldn’t call her “madam” but wasn’t sure what the alternative might be. Maybe it’s one o’ them posh casinos 🙂
I thought maybe a grand was a small price to pay to avoid an attempted murder rap 🙂 Though maybe they’d just chuck her out the back door like in the films!
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Yes probably so. I don’t think Vera would mess with those scary security men.
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Brilliant Alistair ~ I love this ~ I am just off to read the other two episodes ~ Very funny! I need some of this at the moment 🙂
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I’m glad you liked it! I hope you enjoy Vera’s other adventures 🙂
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Come back in a day or two, Vera will have them all sorted! 😀
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There will be pots of tea and plates of cake all over the poker tables 🙂
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A wonderfully amusing story, Ali. 😀 I love how Vera is completely oblivious to what’s actually going on!
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She’s a one, our Vera 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Poor Vera. Wait until she finds out chips in the US aren’t what they are back home!
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She’ll soon be racing back home to her local chippie – and America will breathe a sigh of relief 🙂
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I’m not sure what else to say but wow… lol
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Vera has a tendency to takes one’s breath away 🙂
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Quite a character you’ve concocted here. It’s a wonder she isn’t in some sort of assisted living facility with how oblivious she is to all of these situations. Can’t wait to see what she gets herself into next time.
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I wouldn’t be surprised if is in assisted living, but routinely “escapes” to go on her adventures. She seems an independent sort!
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Good point. She does seem like the sort who would “escape” without even realizing that is what she is doing.
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Just another example that you Islanders need to learn the proper Englsih.. Enjoyed!
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Yeah, I haven’t got my Americanese down yet. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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YOu are forgiven. Foreign languages can be difficult to pick up!
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🙂
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Can we hire her to speak to the guys going about shooting and bombing things?
One pound says with her ability to live oblivious of the moment that she survives and they give up.
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Now that is a great idea. The ultimate diplomat!
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Haha, reminds me of Beavis and Butthead Do America and the old lady they meet on the plane who’s off in search of ‘slots’. 😀
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I really must watch them some time, especially if they’ve also had trouble with Vera 🙂
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