FF – Sinking
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Erin Leary. To read this week’s other stories, click on the blue froggy.
I shot wildly over the word limit this week, I hope it still reads okay now that I’ve cut it all back to sub-100 :-).
Copyright Erin Leary
Tears of grief stung his eyes as he traversed the swamp. Though a virtually featureless expanse of water and plant-life, he found the spot easily.
This is where he dumped them, watched them sink slowly into the mire – his wife, always so critical, so exhausting; his daughter, always Mummy’s girl.
No longer able to bear the guilt, he stood in that spot, sinking, drowning, until darkness overcame him.
Almost immediately he opened his eyes, blinking. Is this Heaven, he thought? The extreme heat, strong smell of sulphur and the pitchfork poking him in the ribs said otherwise.
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draliman on life 
Nice little story!
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Thanks 🙂
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I feel kind of bad for him but at the same time, he did kill his wife and daughter or didn’t he? Well told.
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Yes, he did. He got what was coming to him, if not in this world, then the next… 🙂
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Justice served.
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Very morbid! 🙂
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Yes, they all ended up dead in this one 😦
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Your story reads quite well at less than 100 words. The last line made me laugh.
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Thanks! The last line did have quite a different feel to the rest.
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I love the pitch fork in the ribs, it made me smile. well done.
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Thanks! I think there’s more pitchforking to come in his future 🙂
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Haha…deservedly so!
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For sure 🙂
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I call that a happy ending 🙂
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Me too, the nasty so-and-so.
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Serves him right! Though, speaking as the father of a little girl, I’m not sure the punishment is enough. I vote we make the punishment worse, at least ten fold.
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I have a feeling that it’s about to get much, much worse for him. From now until, well, forever.
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Great story! Guilt took over, and justice was served. If he thought he was joining them…he had a rude awakening!
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Getting overcome with guilt after his dark deed was never going to get him a pass “upstairs”. I’m glad you liked it!
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I think one of your best.
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Thanks 🙂
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Eek! Definitely not heaven. He’s where he deserves to be, I’d say. Great work in turning our sympathies around – here I was ready to feel sorry for him at the start.
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Yes, he got what was coming to him. I’m glad you liked it!
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Wow, Ali. You bring your killers to justice in a hurry. He was just dropped right into hell. It seems, for some reason, he wasn’t expecting it. I doubt he’ll meet his wife and daughter there. It seems he got what was coming to him. Well done. Just one question. Did you write this while angry with someone who did you wrong? Writers sometimes kill off their enemies by writing of their death. 😀 — Suzanne
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With only 100 words, justice is often swift! No, I’m not angry with anyone at the moment 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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That was justice served. Not heaven, hell perhaps. Good story.
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He got his just desserts in the end! I’m glad you liked it.
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😊 nope definitely not heaven.
Wonder if his wife and daughter are there as well.
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Foe sure not Heaven 🙂
I think his wife and daughter are in Heaven, so they won’t have to deal with him again.
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Whoops, he didn’t expect that, did he? Murderous story with a fun twist.
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As if he could wonder if he’s in Heaven after what he’s done…
I’m glad you liked it!
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Should of paid attention to the sermons when he was little 😉
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For sure. Then he would have known what happens to bad men who murder their family 🙂
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Dear Ali,
I’d say you boiled it down to a workable story. Divine justice prevails. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle,
Thanks! It lost a bit of “flow” but worked out okay in the end.
He has definitely been judged for his Earthly crimes!
Ali
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It started so dark, but the end made me smile! Great story. 😀
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I was aware of quite a change in mood, but it seemed to work so I went with it. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Surely he wasn’t expecting heaven? Nice one.
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I think he was, the silly fool 🙂
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I think the first impression of scorching heat can be that of comfort… but I guess the pitchfork is hard to live with… I wonder if he will be rejoined with his wife as well…
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I’m hoping his wife went “upstairs”! I think he has a lot more pitchfork-poking in his future.
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I’d say he deserved the extreme heat, the smell of sulphur and the pitchfork poking him in the ribs – grief -tricken and remorseful or not. Loved the way you wrote that ending. Good story altogether.
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He definitely did deserve everything he’s going to get the rest of eternity 🙂
I’m glad you liked the ending – it was quite a change to the rest of the story.
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Yes, the ending quite changed the tone. It was particularly funny for being different to the rest. 🙂
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I couldn’t hold back the brevity one paragraph longer 🙂
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Did he expect heaven because living was hell with guilt and he thought he had already piad the price?
Good story. Condensing to 100 words is not easy but you seem to have pulled it off without losing much.
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I don’t think he was thinking very clearly. No-one really expects to end up in Hell, I bet!
I’m glad it still worked. I started over 40 words over!
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Enjoyed reading your story. Loved the twist. Thanks.
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I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for reading 🙂
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What did he expect, after all he killed his wife and daughter! Great story, Ali!
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Exactly. There was only one place he was going 🙂
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Rightly deserved!
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Gory story… But has cushion effect! Engrossing read through and through.
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Yes, the ending was quite different to the rest! I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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can he stand the heat? to be continued, i guess. 🙂
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I would quote the old saying “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”, but I don’t think this is a kitchen one can so easily escape 🙂
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❤ Oh I do love a happy ending!!!! LOL! 😀
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Bwahahaha 🙂
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Hah! I am always amused by those who think their deeds will go unpunished for feeling guilt or over-going to church (I know some!)
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Yes, some people think all they have to do is confess and then “job’s a good ‘un”. Nope 🙂
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Not even close.
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Smoothly done, Ali. A blend of tragedy, demise, and karma rolled in one. 🙂
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Thanks! With all that in there, no wonder it started off at 140 words 🙂
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So that’s what’s under the swamp…. hell! I’ll bet mummy and daughter are none to pleased to see him again…
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I’m hoping mum and daughter got a lift “upstairs” – unless they’ve also done something they shouldn’t. If that’s the case, maybe they’ll get a go with the traditional red hot poker!
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So, he killed his family? Oh well, he got what he deserved then. I thought maybe he sunk into a new dimension. Well done, Ali.
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Yes, he got what he deserved, the nasty chap.
I didn’t think of another dimension but that could have worked too. It doesn’t sound very inviting, though 🙂
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Ha. heaven it ain’t. Did he think feeling guilty would expunge the crime?
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I think that was his hope. Sadly for him, not the case!
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OMC he is evil…hell-fire got him, right? Pawkisses 🙂 ❤
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Yep, he’s got an eternity to think about his mistakes in the fiery pit 🙂
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Sounds like he got what he deserved! I wonder why he killed them in the first place.
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I think he just got fed up with the nagging, the miserable old psycho 🙂
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Ah, the fiery pits – a well deserved ending!
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Actually re-reading it, I think the piece packs a stronger punch without that last paragraph. The hell scene shifts it from a dark & bleak story to one that’s kinda humourous.
Just a thought- I liked anyway:)
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I did wonder about that and I’m aware of the sudden change of pace, as it were. I don’t think at the time I was sure what sort of story I wanted to write 🙂
Thanks for your feedback!
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I thought so!
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Well, this is one of those ‘you reap what you sow’ moments….
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For sure. And he’s going to be reaped for eternity…
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Ah, the end brought a smile to my face, while the beginning made me feel distinctly and sad.
You cannot resist a little turnaround at the end, right?
Enjoyed your story!
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It was a bit of a gamble changing tone so completely, but I felt like a more humorous ending!
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🙂
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He got exactly what was coming to him! Wonderful story, Ali. 🙂 Have you watched any ‘Lucifer’ on Amazon yet? It seems like the type of programme you might enjoy. 😀
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Yeah, he got his!
Lucifer is indeed exactly the sort of programme I enjoy. I’ve only seen the pilot so far as there are so few episodes so far and I don’t want to suddenly run out. I think it’s great 🙂
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I’d love to see the ‘long [complicated] version’, too! Superb (revenge) flash fiction as it is, though. I suspect the husband would be more pitiable and/or maybe more despicable in long-form.
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Unfortunately I hit “delete” a lot of times to reach the word limit 🙂 I think he would be more pitiable in long form – he seems to feel grief for what he’s done so I think it was a moment of madness rather than a cold and deliberate act.
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