FF – Simple Food for Complicated People
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo is from Roger Bultot.
When I saw this cafe scene I couldn’t get the last one out of my head (from Christmas) – “A Pie They Died For” – in which I murdered a whole bunch of people and ate them. That picture was by Roger as well. I wonder if this is the inside of the same cafe?
Well, I couldn’t do that again so I did something different. To read this week’s other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright Roger Bultot
“Welcome to Just Burgers, how may I help you?”
“Hmm, I’d like cucumber with soft cheese on black bread with a side of avocado, please.”
“What is it about ‘Just Burgers’ you don’t understand?”
“Well, really!”
“You know how in films there’s a bloke in the kitchen with a meat cleaver for difficult customers?”
“Yeees…”
“Well, we don’t have one of those. Or cucumbers. Only dead cows in buns. Get out. Next!”
“Hi, phew, some people, eh?”
“For sure. What can I get you?”
“I’d like goat’s cheese on rye with iceberg lettuce and a side of sashimi, please.”
“Aaargh!”
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draliman on life 
Hahaha! This reminds me of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld for some reason. Have you seen that episode? I know Seinfeld was never big in the UK.
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I’m aware of Seinfeld but never watched any, I’m afraid.
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You’re missing out! 😉 In that episode, there’s a character called the Soup Nazi who runs a restaurant with the best soup in town. He has a very particular way of taking orders, and any customer who fails to follow the protocol (e.g. talks too much, makes special requests, puts his hand on the counter, etc.) is refused service. “No soup for you!”
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Sounds fun! Maybe I’ll seek out an episode or two 🙂
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Yep, that’s one of the more well known episodes.
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“Yes, I’d like some tofu on a sesame seed bun. Hold the cow.” 🙂
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Get out 🙂
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Haha!
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At my most crazed, I never heard of a side of sashimi with ANY sandwich. Oik.
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I don’t know anything about posh food. I was just pulling “posh food” words out of the air!
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I have a terrible feeling that the next customer will be on the menu with a side of chips! 😀
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It’s starting to look that way. He’s gonna crack soon 🙂
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A meat cleaver was on the supply order this morning 😀
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🙂
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Fun characterization! Nicely drawn.
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Thanks, I’m glad you liked it 🙂
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A simple burger for me every time. My kind of place.
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Mine too. Nothing beats a good burger.
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Typical D-Man – never disappoints and never fails to give us a laugh…or scare us to death 😀
I’ll have extra grilled onion on my burger please, with BBQ sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickles and a serve of fries. Oh, and can I have some sweet chilli sauce and sour cream on my fries – thanks.
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Sweet chili sauce and sour cream on… That’s not fries; that’s spicy potato soup. 😉
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Certainly. And I’ll join you 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed my story!
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Obviously “whatever it takes” isn’t the customer service policy here. 🙂 Good storytelling. Hope your MC doesn’t crack. 🙂
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The customer is always right. As long as they order a burger. Otherwise, the customer is always wrong 🙂
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Some people have that as their life motto. You’re always right — as long as you agree with me. Otherwise… 😉
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Heh, true 🙂
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Thank you for the laugh!
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You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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Well.. can I get a burger, with all those toppings, hold the meat patty? 😉 Just kidding. I’ll have a burger, please.
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Wise choice 🙂
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Huge fun!
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I’m glad you liked it!
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Clear characterization. And funny too.
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Thanks, I’m glad you liked it!
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Hah! Careful with that meat cleaver.
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“Accidents” will happen…
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They need to put up a sign “No Vegetarians Allowed!” Good writing, Ali. 🙂 — Suzanne
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That should alleviate his problems a bit, anyway! I’m glad you liked it 🙂
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Just how JUST are your burgers? I mean, would they stand up to a bully for me?
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They’re not that just, I’m afraid.
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Sounds like they would make good politicians. 🙂
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I’m convinced that there will be customer burger soon… get a meatcleaver.
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Mmm, bloke-in-a-bun. Yum!
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Ha!!!! I have a feeling the server is gonna’ get a meat cleaver – very soon. “Only dead cows in buns.” is an incredibly funny line.
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Sooner or later he’s gonna flip (and I’m not talking flipping burgers). I’m glad you enjoyed my story, I liked that line too 🙂
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MOL…just burgers, huh…MOL 😀 Pawkisses for a Happy Weekend 🙂 ❤
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I’m sure they do catnip and tuna too for special furry guests 🙂
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I’m reminded of the old Saturday Night Live skit with John Belushi. Their little cafe only served Chee-burgers, chips, and Pepsi. Great take on the prompt, Ali.
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Sounds like my kinda place 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Haha! Nice one, I had the reverse scenario in mind for mine, but went with my second thought.
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Thanks, I’m glad you liked it!
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Dear Ali,
Some people just don’t listen. Hilarious. I’m reminded of a Sesame Street sketch with Cookie Monster in the library where he asks the librarian for milk and cookies. Finally, after much back and forth, he asks her for a book about cookies…and a glass of milk.
Love your take on the prompt. I can’t say if it’s the same diner or not. I’ll have to ask
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle,
I’m glad you liked it! It seems my story has brought up memories for quite a few people of sketches and programmes where they’ve seen something similar. That Sesame Street sketch sounds funny 🙂
Ali
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Should have gone to McD’s. Although on second thoughts…!
Click to read my Friday Fiction
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Heh, your second thoughts are well-founded 🙂
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Seems to me the proprietor could save himself a lot of grief by just skipping the ordering process altogether. You sit down at the counter, you get a dead cow in a bun.
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True. I guess he’s just there to weed out those who have entered his establishment in the hopes of eating something else.
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Haha! So Seinfeld Soup Nazi! No soup for you!! :o)
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You’re the second person to mention Seinfeld and the Soup Nazi – I’ll really have to find that episode 🙂 (we had Seinfeld over here years ago but it was never big and I never saw it)
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Yes, you’ll have to check that episode out – it’s funny. :o)
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LOL. Great dialogue. Love the line, ‘Only dead cows in buns.’ That poor server having to deal with such difficult customers.
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Yes, fancy ordering “off menu” like that. It’s such a simple menu too.
Option 1) Dead cow in bun
Option 2) Get out
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This was very creative and nicely written. Loved the dialogue.
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Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Fun one! The annoying customer may get eaten yet. Love the dialogue!
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Yeah, the server’s getting into a state. I don’t fancy being customer number three that day o order something “posh” 🙂
I’m glad you liked it!
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Made me laugh right out loud 🙂
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I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Dead cows in buns. Accurate, but I’d rather have cucumber.
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Dead cow for me all the way!
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Exactly what percentage of dead cow is in the bun? Unless it’s 100% beef, I’m going elsewhere!
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This is the sort of establishment which prides itself on 100% beef. Or 100% cow product, anyway 🙂
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Very funny, poor exasperated guy. Some people, indeed.
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I feel for him 🙂
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I hope he doesn’t get any more awkward customers – I think he’s about to crack! A very amusing story, Ali. 🙂
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I reckon one more and all sorts of mayhem will ensue 🙂
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What was that person doing going into ‘Just Burgers’ in the first place? Crackers! And I bet they don’t sell those either 🙂
Nicely written, that serving guy in the edge
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Oh, they definitely server burgers. The best in the world as they don’t have to concentrate on any other foods 🙂
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Ha! 🙂
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Great dialogue! I’m kind of feeling sympathetic towards the man serving, except I don’t like the sound of his meat cleaver. He does seem to have a bit of a temper so I wouldn’t push my luck.😀
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I fear it’s approaching a “Falling Down”-type situation. He could crack at any second 🙂
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I agree with the Seinfeld comparison–hilarious! Gotta love the soup Nazi, or in this case, the hamburger Nazi 😆
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He’s king of the cafe, his word is law 🙂
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Haha! Great!
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Thanks 🙂
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Can I get a hot dog and some fries tho
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No, though a hot dog’s much more in the “burger” direction 🙂
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