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Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019

February 24, 2019 38 comments

It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…

I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…

Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦


The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.

There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.

I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.

I love big nuts.

This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.

That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.

She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.

I expose my organ.

She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard.  I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.

I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.

She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.

She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.

She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.

Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.

Told you I was a big dick.

Sharing My World 2015 Week 46

November 22, 2015 30 comments

Here is my post for Cee’s Share Your World. Week 46! Christmas is coming. Bah humbug :-).

This week with added DraliDoodlesTM!

share-your-world2

What type of popular candy you do not like to get?
I don’t know exactly what the word “candy” encompasses, my Americanese not being what it could be, but I’m going to assume it covers chocolate bars. Therefore I don’t like to get Marathon bars. Which changed their name to “Snickers” in 1990. Who knew? 🙂 Basically because I don’t like peanuts.

What do you feel is the most enjoyable way to spend $500? 
One second while I convert that… beep… beep… beep… just over £330. That sounds about the right amount for an Xbox One, so I can also play all the games which are exclusive to that console.

I know people who have both a PS4 and an Xbox One for that very reason. It’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t do it, but if someone’s just bunging the money at me, then why not?

Where do you eat breakfast?
Nowhere. Real men don’t eat breakfast. Real men starve until lunchtime and occasionally faint from lack of food around mid-morning.

To be fair, for one reason or another I didn’t eat a thing for 24 hours on Thursday/Friday and felt no ill effects (and very little hunger). So breakfast can stuff it.

Would you rather ride one of the world’s longest zip lines or bungee jump one of the highest in the world?
This will come with a 5-day all expense vacation.
Ooh, a 5 day holiday (yes, while I don’t know the exact meaning of “candy”, I can translate “vacation”). I have explored both possibilities.

ZipLine

Bungee

It doesn’t look like this will end well. I’ll go for zip line. I think there’s less chance of someone stuffing that up.

Woodland Games

February 26, 2015 46 comments

I bet you thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you, ES? Nope! Here is my entry to Evil Squirrel’s “Second Annual Contest of Whatever“. After losing last year, I have high hopes this year!

We need to include at least two different types of animal, and there must be some form of game involved – and what better than the Annual Worldwide Woodland Games?

I have been sure to label my creations, as the DraliDoodles team is not very good and it’s impossible to tell one type of creature from another!

Without further ado, let’s meet the teams.

Meet the Teams

Read more…

Categories: Just Silly Tags: ,

Sharing My World Week 12

March 28, 2014 16 comments

It’s time once again in draliman-land to Share My World, courtesy of Cee at Cee’s photography blog! This is a chance for bloggers to get to know each other a little bit better by answering some questions.

Here is the badge.

share-your-world2

And here are the questions.

What is your most favourite smell/scent?
That’s a tricky one. I like the smell of freshly-mown grass (I borrowed that from someone else, but I do). I also like the smell of bacon cooking.

Mmm, bacon.

Here’s a picture of my tea the other day, some of which I bought in the monthly village market.

baconfortea

Bacon for my tea. Mmm, bacon.

That brown stuff is Worcester Sauce. Mmm, Worcester Sauce. And bacon.

Mmm, bacon.

I rate that tea at three out of five heart attacks. On the other hand I eat maybe one fried egg a year (the cooker in my rented place was rubbish) so I don’t feel too guilty.

How do you write: computer, longhand or other?
Other? What would that be then? I use the Force to conjure the words into the ether, there to reside until I need them again.

Actually, I tried that once but it didn’t work out. I could never find the words again. Everywhere I looked someone was waving his hand and saying “These are not the words you’re looking for.”

Ha ha. Ah haha.

I write everything on my computer. I write posts like this straight into WordPress and I write all stories in Word and then paste them in. My handwriting is not the best. Sometimes I come back to something I wrote ages ago and I can’t even tell what I wrote.

Your favourite blog post that you have written? (add link)
Oh dear, how can I choose? I can’t so I’m going to shamelessly do three. A kiddie’s one, a little story and one with a sort of moral (though it may not be obvious).

Spider Army (short kiddie poem with DraliDoodles)
Baptism of Fire (short story)
Until the End of Time (mock diary – be careful what you wish for)

What’s one of your favourite books from childhood?
Oh boy, I have no idea. My childhood was soooo long ago and I read so many books that I can’t remember. Just little flashes. I remember a lot of the books I read at school, but we had to analyse them to death so I didn’t really enjoy them.

It would probably have been sci-fi or fantasy, like The Hobbit. Okay, we’ll go with The Hobbit.

Here is a picture I just took of my copy of The Hobbit. Professional photographer that I am, it features a flash reflection and it’s on its side. But… Hobbits!

TheHobbit

Yay, Hobbits!

Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?
Last week happened. I’m grateful nothing bad happened. Next week there’s some big stuff going on at work which I can’t afford to mess up, culminating in a weekend of doing the bulk of the tricky stuff, so I can’t say I’m particularly looking forward to that.

I guess I’m just fundamentally an ungrateful person 😦 .

And on that bombshell… see you again next week!

Look At Me!

January 2, 2014 45 comments

Smashing – it’s time for the first Friday Fictioneers of 2014! Rochelle is our host, and this week’s photo has been supplied by her daughter-in-law!

How did the doggy get up there?

All the other amazing entries can be viewed here.

As a special “treat” since it is the first Fictioneers of 2014, I have popped one of my infamous DraliDoodles at the end so that you can all gaze in awe1 at my amazing2 artistic skills3.

Notes:
1 – “awe” is an unlikely emotion when viewing DraliDoodles
2 – “amazing” is an incorrect term when used to describe DraliDoodles
3 – “skills” – this word has been used incorrectly in this instance

tree-climbing-poppy

Copyright – Rochelle’s daughter-in-law

Look at me! Look at me! I am at the top of the tree, oh yes. On top of the world!

Ruler of the planet! Bwahahaha!

Gaze upon me from the ground far below, tiny human child, for I am supreme! I cast my eye over the whole of creation, and I shall rule it all. The grass, the trees, the humans, my fellow canines – all will bow down and pay homage to me!

I am King of the… wait, what’s the female human bringing out? Are those… dog treats? Oh boy! Make way, coming down! Clear the way! Woof!

Look At Me Doggy

“Look at me!”, a DraliDoodles special edition for Friday Fictioneers

Happy Messages

December 15, 2013 18 comments

Last week was a strange week. The week before last I realised I had a load of holiday backed up, and very little time in which to take it! So I booked Monday to Thursday off last week. Usually I have weeks to work myself up to a holiday, but this came upon me rather suddenly.

On Monday, I was ill! This was most disagreeable. This is the first time I’ve had anything worse than a cold since early 2003 (when I had pneumonia), so it came as a bit of a surprise. I’d forgotten how rubbish it feels to be unwell. Even the pneumonia was no big deal – no pain, no discomfort, just a bit breathless. A couple of days in hospital and that was that.

This time I actually threw up! The first time in over eleven years. Yuck 😦 . I can’t even remember when I was ill before that – either all the vodka masked the symptoms or it sent all the bugs and viruses running for the hills.

Nasty Vodka

Run, little diseases, run!

Read more…

Suzie’s Questions Answered

November 24, 2013 21 comments

Suzie has posed a number of questions to the blogging community at large, and I thought I would participate, along with many others. On with the questions!

1. Why have you chosen your blog name?

This is a cunning and clever amalgamation of my title, the short form of my first name and the fact that I am a “man”! I usually use “dralip” which includes the initial of my last name, but it didn’t sound like it would work as well for a blog name.

“mraliman” sounds stupid so I had to do a PhD to get the correct start to my pseudonym :-).

Read more…

Sparkly Awesomesauce Ponies Away!

September 8, 2013 17 comments

Awesomesauce Alice over at aliceatwonderland has started a new club! It’s called “Sparkleponies” and has quite a daunting list of prerequisites but once you’ve joined, you get this amazing badge!

Sparkleponies

Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen? Lamentably, I cannot join. I promised Alice I would chop off my left leg in lieu of one of the terms and conditions of joining (“watch Twilight 5,000 times” – that wasn’t ever gonna happen), but I remembered that my left leg operates the clutch in my car so I sort of need it attached.

Isn’t Alice over at aliceatwonderland amazing? I’ve been following her wonderful writing since June, around the time when I wrote this, this and this!

You may be wondering why I seem to be sucking up to Alice over at aliceatwonderland quite a lot. You may also be wondering why I keep linking across to her amazing and wonderful blog.

Alice has this friend, Sparky by name, and he’s the “Wonder Blogger”. He’s come up with a whole load of hints and tips for the new blogger-about-town. Two of these, as you may have guessed by now, are:

  1. Link drop
  2. Worship certain bloggers

Alice has also offered a prize – this is my entry to her competition! All we have to do is write a post that Sparky would be proud of, one which embodies all of his qualities and utilises his underhanded clever hints and tips.

I’ve certainly dropped a lot of links! I’ve also shown my worship of Alice. Sparky also says we should throw awards around like confetti! Now, Alice already has awards – of course she does, she’s awesome! She’s been featured on “Freshly Pressed”, for goodness sake.

However, Alice got her kids (“The Things”) to help out making the competition prize. How great is that? So I’ve done a new award, especially for awesome kids! Here it is.

Awesome Kids AwardThat’s supposed to be a rainbow, the team over at DraliDoodles(TM) had a bit of bother getting the colours right. I’m no Alice! There are no rules for this award – if you are a kid and you are awesome, or if you have awesome kids, proudly display this award!

Hi ho Sparkleponies, away!

Categories: Just Silly Tags:

Draliman Through the Ages Part 2 – Dralisaurus

August 11, 2013 28 comments

For the second part of our series “Draliman Through the Ages” we visit a time when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, and one dinosaur in particular – the fearsome killer Dralisaurus!

Dralisaurus

Catch up with “Draliman Through the Ages”!
Part 1 – Dralamoeba

The team at DraliDoodlesTM have raided their piggy banks and bought a cheapo graphics tablet. They still can’t draw, but now they can’t draw more professionally. Enjoy!

Time Twister

August 11, 2013 18 comments

Prompts for the Promptless Retrocausality

RETROCAUSALITY IS A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT ADDRESSING THE QUESTION, “CAN THE FUTURE AFFECT THE PRESENT, AND CAN THE PRESENT AFFECT THE PAST?”.  IT IS ANY OF SEVERAL HYPOTHETICAL PHENOMENA OR PROCESSES THAT REVERSE CAUSALITY, ALLOWING AN EFFECT TO OCCUR BEFORE ITS CAUSE.  IT OFTEN REFERS TO PHILOSOPHICAL CONSIDERATIONS OF TIME TRAVEL, THOUGH THE TWO TERMS ARE NOT UNIVERSALLY SYNONYMOUS. (Logo courtesy of Queen Creative.)

Wow. Can the present affect the past? I’m going to say “no”.

I read the Wikipedia entry on the topic. It’s all a bit spurious, physics-wise, although there are theories. There are always theories. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong century to be a physicist. I like to see my physics in action.

We’re talking “causality” here – cause and effect. One example of cause and effect is described by the “butterfly effect”, which is also part of chaos theory. Now, I’m happy with chaos theory per se. If you pop a ball on the top of a hill it will eventually roll in some direction or other based on all sorts of starting conditions. But the “butterfly effect”? A butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane thousands of miles away weeks later? Really?

The Butterfly Effect

Those Chinese butterflies have some serious mojo going on
“The Butterfly Effect” by DraliDoodles

Back to retrocausality. As a thought experiment it’s fun, I guess, especially if you’re with your mates down the pub, or it’s post-university-disco and you’re all sitting in the kitchen, nicely drunk making cheese toasties and talking philosophy.

As a reality, I’m thinking it could not be! I’ve watched a ton of Dr Who and he always actually travels to the past in order to affect the future. If he could affect the past by changing something in the present, he wouldn’t need the TARDIS, now would he?

But whoa there just a minute! How do we know that this retrocausality thing isn’t happening all the time? We don’t! Think about this:

  • I don’t like something about my past
  • I fire up my RetroCausalitron(TM)
  • I change the past from “here”, the present
  • The timeline from “that point then” on to “this point now” is rewritten
  • Because the timeline has changed I never actually changed the past – that action belonged to a defunct timeline. Nor do I even want to change the past as it is now what I wanted it to be.

Therefore we could have changed the past millions of times from the present and we’d never even know. Now that’s scary. My head hurts.

Drali Confused