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I’ve won a prize!
Don’t you just love those “You’ve won a prize!” letters that come through the letterbox? You know the ones – they make it very clear you’ve won a massive stereo or a games console (until you read the very small print). One of these arrived on the doorstep the other day. I thought I’d analyse it for a bit of fun.
Wow, I’ve won a TV!
It's ready to be shipped out to me!
Hooray! Let’s ignore the words “if applicable” for now. They’re probably not important. I’ve won a TV!
I am such an idiot!
I only had one thing to do, and I didn't do it!
Surely I forgot to send back my prize claim – only a mad fool wouldn’t want to claim this fantastic prize. I’m so stupid – I only had to remember to do one thing, and I couldn’t even do that! This is worded so aggressively, they must be quite anxious to give me my prize.
Everyone’s human
Phew - I still have a few days left to claim my TV.
Well, apparently this is just a reminder. It’s OK – it’s not too late! Everyone forgets to do things and I’ve still got time to claim my prize! But I can’t delay, I’d better post it off now.
It’s ready to ship!
LCD parcel? Is that an actual TV or what?
It’s there in the warehouse ready for me – as soon as I respond they’ll send me my LCD screen parcel! Hang on though – is there a difference between “LCD Screen” and “LCD Screen parcel”? I think I’d better take a quick look at the terms and conditions. (I couldn’t take a decent picture of the small print. It was too, well, small.)
“Upon receipt of the documents, the addressees cannot make any conclusion about the exact nature of the prize they awarded.”
But didn’t it say I’d won a TV?
If I don’t reply, it gets serious
The General Manager himself is dealing with me!
Yes, the General Manager himself is going to have to deal with me!
Another win!
I can't believe my luck!
I’ve also won thousands of pounds – this is indeed my lucky day!
Hang on, they’ve worded this as a statement of fact, but what’s that question mark doing at the end? And what does that asterisk refer to?
I haven’t actually won anything, have I?
Where’s that horn?
Now, where was that horn again?
The car horn – it’s a strange beast. It might be found on one of the steering column stalks, in the centre of the steering wheel or between the centre of the steering wheel and the wheel itself. What’s it for? Its only legitimate purpose is to let other road users know you’re there. Is it ever used for such a purpose?
Nope.
Well, I’ve used it for that purpose once in my life. Someone began reversing towards me and I gave a little honk to let him know he ought to stop before he dinged me.
Its common usage is twofold:
“Oy! You cut me up, you little shit! Learn to drive!”
and
“Boy, I’ve been stuck in this queue for ever. I think I’ll vent my frustration by honking my horn.”
The first I can understand, the second would wind me up except that I’ve never been exposed to it. In fact I’ve only ever seen it happen on TV. I don’t know if it even happens in real life. I was stuck in traffic for 8 hours on the M25 London Orbital once and not a single person used their horn.
In TV and films, horns are used just before an accident to add a little something to the scene. What happens next depends on the plot, of course. Sometimes the accident is averted, sometimes the oncoming vehicle seems to have time to honk their horn but fails to slow down before plowing into the hapless pedestrian!
Finding the horn in real life is a bit more of a problem. I’m usually too busy braking and swerving to honk at the offending vehicle. In the past couple of years I’ve tried it twice. The first time nothing happened due to technical problems (the garage couldn’t find anything wrong, probably water got in). The second happened last week.
There I was on the roundabout, minding my own business. I saw lights to the left, but being on the roundabout it was my right of way. Suddenly there was a flash of silver in front of me, then it was gone. The car approaching was going so fast, not only did he have no chance of stopping but I barely even saw him cross in front of me. It wasn’t exactly a near miss, he was a good couple of metres away. There was a car parked just off the roundabout with someone in it (he’d just dropped someone off) – I saw the guy’s jaw drop and he was pointing incredulously at the speeding car. If I’d been going any faster probably both my car and the speeder’s would have been written off, the speed he was going.
So I decided, I’m going to give him a good beep. I’m going to give him both barrels, big time. OK, it’s after 10pm and it’s illegal to sound my horn in a built-up area, but I just don’t care. I rammed my hand at the steering column, and viciously changed the car computer readout from “trip” to “distance until empty”. Bollocks.
Where’s that horn?
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