Author Archive

Sharing My World 11-03-2019

March 17, 2019 24 comments

Here is  my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
What I’d like to hear: “Hey dude, good to have you, your personal paradise is third pod on the left!”

What I’d more likely hear: “You again? I keep telling you, you can’t come in.” Beep beep beep… ring ring, ring ring… “Hello, Beelzebub? God. He’s here again. Can’t you keep your inmates under control…?”

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
That bit where Kathy Bates’ character hobbles the author 😦 That Stephen King, eh…?

What do you think about when you’re alone in your car?
Here I am, alone in my car, driving along…

How would you rate your memory?
One of those ice cream sundaes with raspberry sauce. Sorry, what was the question again?

What’s one song that always cheers you up, no matter how blue you’re feeling?
I don’t really have any go-to music for any particular mood.

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FF – The Aspiring Musician

March 13, 2019 107 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Anshu Bhojnagarwala.

Another story which came straight into my head. Yay!


“What the hell is that?”

“I got it from the dump. Pretty great, huh?”

“It’s got a tree growing out of it.”

“You’ve heard of house music? Garage?”


“This is gonna be ‘Plant’.”


“Here goes…”

Thunk! Crash!

A cat’s tail, poking out from beneath the rubble, twitched once and was still.


“Maybe it was a bit knackered. I saw a guitar with mushrooms growing out of it down the dump… ‘Fungus’! Awesome!”

Meanwhile Mr Fluffy, one of his nine lives sadly gone, extricated himself and trotted away in search of a less insane human.


Sharing My World 04-03-2019

March 10, 2019 17 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person?
Probably their face. I’m checking for their general demeanour so I can judge my first words accordingly. Of course, subconsciously I’m probably processing all sorts.

What three habits do you feel would improve someone’s life?
These three. Well, that’s really two-and-a-half habits.

What takes up too much of your time? Would you stop that if you could?
Housework. That’s gotta take up at least half an hour a week. At least 🙂

Cookies (biscuits to those elsewhere), pastries, pie or cake? If not, what does your sweet tooth crave?
All of those! And chocolate, obviously.

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FF – Don’t be a Jeff!

March 6, 2019 76 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.

Copyright C.E. Ayr


Jeff bid goodbye to his mates and left the pub. The other members of the motorcycle gang left en masse but Jeff slunk around the corner to his piddly little moped. As his fellows roared off on their testosterone-fuelled hogs, Jeff opened his throttle and charged off at his top speed of 17mph, head down.

But – too late! He had been spotted! The video was online! Jeff’s street cred was ruined!


Don’t let this happen to you. Visit Mike’s Bikes today! Get yourself a Harley!


10% discount for members of the Death’s Head Slasher Biker Gang

Don’t be a Jeff!


Sharing My World 25-02-2019

March 3, 2019 24 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. Here’s the logo!

What, in your opinion, is the point to life?
Well, there’s a tricky question and no mistake. I’ll just go with “be nice to everyone and make a difference” and try not to think about how little our 70 years matters to a 13 billion year old universe or even to Chk’B’Grkk, a sanitation engineer from Glop Minor in the Beebop galaxy.

What was your most recent lie? You don’t have to get really specific obviously.
I never lie. There you go.

What country do you consider the strangest?
Most other countries seem strange in some way – different customs, different laws, different food and culture.

What’s your funniest story involving a car?
There was one time long ago when we got in a friend’s car and he accidentally set the alarm. “Right, nobody move” were his exact words as I recall. Obviously he set it off when he tried to disarm it. So at least he knew it worked.

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FF – Ye Tragedy at Red Mountain

February 27, 2019 66 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jean L. Hays.

Here’s the link for all the stories. I don’t know how to make the big blue froggy work 😦

I was in a weird mood when I wrote this and I had a headache. So here’s a weird story which will give you a headache.

Copyright Jean L. Hays


Ye Tragedy at Red Mountain

And so did it come to pass that the killer slugs reached Red Mountain, and thus did the townsfolk shelter in ye Deli, for its shelves were filled to bursting with salt.

And the townsfolk did surround ye bastion with salt, and the slugs did dissolve, and the townsfolk did rejoice, and did not escape as they were urged!

As the salt did deplete, removed they their eye-glasses to construct a giant magnifier. And brave Sebastian did climb the roof with the glass to fry the slugs.

And then did the sun go in and the townsfolk did die.


The End.


Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019

February 24, 2019 38 comments

It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…

I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…

Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦

The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.

There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.

I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.

I love big nuts.

This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.

That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.

She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.

I expose my organ.

She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard.  I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.

I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.

She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.

She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.

She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.

Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.

Told you I was a big dick.