Author Archive

Sharing My World 16-02-2020

February 16, 2020 18 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Do you snore? How do you know it, if you do?
I don’t know. I had a girlfriend once who said I did. But I don’t have any proof.

What do you find funny?
The usual stuff. Just thinking of some of the films I’ve seen… fictional people getting gorily killed in a funny way. Fictional people’s heads exploding in a funny way. Zombie hordes getting shredded by helicopter blades. All in good fun 🙂

What was the last furry thing you touched?
The removable inner lining of my North Face coat yesterday. I went to the village market in the storm, safe in the knowledge that it would keep me dry. So I ended up warm and dry from the waist up and soaked through from the waist down. Didn’t really think that through.

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
I suppose you could cuff his arm to his leg. Though that might be considered “cruel and unusual”.

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FF – Armageddon Averted

February 12, 2020 52 comments

Here is my contribution for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle, who also provided the photo this week.

I got to thinking what I would be doing if the weather looked that bad.


Ring ring!


“Beelzubub? Gabriel here. What’s the hold up? We’re standing here, swords aflame, looking like a load of numpties.”

“Never fear! We’ve made it really cold and miserable to keep the mortals indoors.”


“We’ve built a video game called ‘Armageddon’. Everyone will play it ‘cos they can’t go out and when they click ‘Armageddon – Start Now’, we’re off! Angels vs demons smackdown! Yeah!”

“Starting a game called ‘Armageddon’ does NOT start Armageddon. Idiot.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that!”

“Go to hell.”

“Already there!”

Good job demons are so stupid or the Earth would be in a right mess…



Sharing My World 03-02-2020

February 9, 2020 28 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

When was the last time you tried something new?
Though it’s a bit of a reach as it’s not entirely new. I tried slow cooking for the first time in October. Generally I prefer to avoid new things.

If you were forced to eliminate every physical possession from your life with the exception of what could fit into a single backpack, what would you put in it?
Oh boy. Is this going to be long term? First of all I’d make sure the backpack was super huge. Then I’d make sure it had stuff like phone, money, laptop and Kindle in it. Actually, it doesn’t need to be that big, does it? Once those things are in you don’t really need much else nowadays.

What simple fact do you wish more people understood?
I wish people understood that their lives are not their own. They’re being lived for the greater glory of the Grand Regis of Nexis Four, capital planet of the Glorg Imperium. The Glorgians took over hundreds of years ago, but every time I try to tell people I get locked up “for my own safety”.

Wise up, people. (All praise Emperor Gliffn, the Wise and Mighty.)

What food item do you go through fastest in your house?
Cheese goes pretty fast. So does Tabasco sauce. And chocolate, when I have any in. I tend not to buy any as I immediately scoff it down. It’s like it has some sort of power over me. Much like the Glorgians (All praise Emperor Gliffn, the Wise and Mighty).

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FF – Cutbacks

February 5, 2020 58 comments

Here is my contribution to Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Ted Strutz.

Copyright Ted Strutz


“So. Judgement Day.”

“Yeah. So this is death. I was expecting a bright light rather than an escalator.”

“Cutbacks, I guess.”

“I haven’t always been the best person. There was that speeding ticket. I swore at that little old lady…”

“I’m sure that won’t count against you.”

“…and then there’s all those people I murdered in the 70’s.”

“Whaaa… you’ll be on the way back down, mate. Here we are. Ooh, a questionnaire. No judgement by angels?”

“More cutbacks? A-ha! ‘Question 7: Did you murder anyone in the 70’s?’ I’ll tick ‘no’. And I’m in! Gotta love the cutbacks!”


Sharing My World 27-01-2020

February 2, 2020 18 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What age would you like to live to?
749. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. 749? Are you mad? Why not 750? That’s a nice round number. But that would be pushing the realms of possibility, don’t you think? Let’s not go nuts.

What mystery do you wish you knew the answer to?
The greatest mystery of all time. A mystery which has plagued people the world over ever since they started doing laundry.

Where do all the socks go?

Does absolute power corrupt absolutely?
It must be hard not to go a bit nuts when in possession of absolute power. Start with good intentions and before you know it you’re ruling with an iron fist. No transgressions will be tolerated!

That said, I think the majority of rulers/governments who are the hardest on their citizens/minions are those who are the most scared and insecure. Or they’re just fundamentally assholes.

What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to?
I’ve always fancied skiing. And after I’ve broken both my legs I could always work from home!

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FF – Not as Clever as he Thought

January 29, 2020 56 comments

Here is my contribution to Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Copyright Dale Rogerson


Detective Inspector Bardon looked across the scene. Crisp, white, beautiful. Like a Christmas card. Idyllic – apart from the body, the red-tinged snow.

“Back wound. Murder definitely happened here. Knife was driven in at close range. Only one set of footprints – the victim’s! How?”

High above, Jimmy ‘Jetpack Assassin’ Jameson hovered and laughed. His web ad had paid off. Plenty of clients, police always baffled!

“Hey, guv, just found this ad on the internet. Some joker calling himself the ‘jetpack assassin’!”

“Jetpack? Of course! Constable, grab the newly-issued ground-to-air missile launcher out the car, will you?”

Jimmy’s eyes widened in horror.


Sharing My World 20-01-2020

January 26, 2020 25 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Where do you get your news?
While I’m making my packed lunch for work I get Alexa to play the BBC headlines. Then at lunchtime while I’m eating my lunch at work I read the BBC news website. Sometimes for a laugh I read one of the commercial news websites as well.

What ‘old person’ thing do you do?
I’m already getting on a bit so the stuff I do isn’t “old person” stuff, it’s “normal stuff” 🙂

When was the coldest you’ve ever been? The warmest?
I really can’t remember. Possibly back when I lived in Germany. Being mid-continent and away from the sea the temperature varied between -15 and 30-odd, which you don’t get in Cornwall. We get more like -2 to mid-twenties. Currently being mid-winter it’s hovering between around 4 and 9 degrees, so not too cold.

Do you eat food that’s past its expiry date if it still smells and looks fine?
Yes, of course. One of the biggest reasons for wasted food is people chucking food away the moment it hits its expiry date. Hard cheese? Doesn’t go off. Eggs? Float test (and a sniff when you crack them). One of the biggest is “eat within 3 days of opening”. What a massive lie. I’ve eaten perfectly good stuff 2 weeks after opening.

Then there’s people who mix up “best before”, “sell by” and “use by”. “Sell buy” is an instruction for the shop, and food is fine after “best before”, it’s just not necessarily at its best.

Juts know what to watch out for. Any mould anywhere on bread? Throw the loaf away, the spores will be everywhere. Soft cheese – mould permeates inside, so you can’t just cut if off. Stuff like that. You can tell by sniffing something and a tiny taste if something’s gone off, usually.

Use your common sense, people! And obviously, if you’re feeding small children, be a lot more careful – best not to take chances with the little ones!

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