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FF – Letter to the People

November 14, 2018 3 comments

Here is my story (sort of) for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week she also provided the photo!

 

Conveniently-situated underneath a main thoroughfare, this open-plan property has to be seen to be believed. Well-lit via a panoramic frontage, this airy once-in-a-lifetime find also features a novel indoor rockery and paddling pool.

This property is available now, to anyone, free of charge. Please supply your own sleeping bag.

We’d love to offer you a warm comfortable council-run house, but we sold them all to the private sector years ago. Sorry about that. And we blew the rest of the money. We’re not sure where. Not on healthcare, anyway! Pass the hors d’oeuvres, someone.

 

Yours Insincerely,

Every Government Everywhere

 

Sharing My World 11-11-2018

November 11, 2018 14 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Is there one post on your site that is really special to you?
Not special as such. There are some little stories I like, but who knows which ones? Not me.

How do you deal with negative people?
I tell myself, “Be positive, dude. You’re bringing the world down. Think positive and shit.” That helps to de-negatise me.

I don’t really know any negative people who aren’t me.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning?
The same as everyone else. Bathroom time! Then it’s about what I need to do when I get to work. If it’s not a work day I don’t really think about anything.

Would you rather be able to talk with the animals or speak all foreign languages?
Unless I got a job as a UN interpreter, talking all foreign languages would be a bit of a waste. I’d never get the chance to use most of it. But animals are everywhere! I’d use them as my eyes and ears. Go little spider, go and find out what’s really happening behind closed doors bwahahahaha for information is POWER bwahahahaha.

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FF – Part of the Artwork

November 7, 2018 57 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J.S. Brand.

Copyright J.S. Brand

 

Frank finished his latest carving. He loved his work, moulding a still-living tree, ripping through the bark, rending… Packing up, he froze. What was that? Whispers, all around, disembodied… murderer… mutilator… defiler… die…


The sun already high in the sky, Mirabelle went to look for her father. He loved carving, though he’d never stayed out all night and she was starting to worry.

“Dad? Dad?” she called. Nothing, no sign at his camp. Strange. Even his carving wasn’t his usual work, a twisted, agonised face carved among his usual designs. And yet, that face looked strangely familiar…

Mirabelle screamed.

 

 

Sharing My Spooky World 04-11-2018

November 4, 2018 24 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. It’s a maxi-length Halloween special this week so I’ll try to keep my answers short! Melanie has done a special spooky SYW banner too especially for the occasion 🙂

Name something you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark forest or in an abandoned building.
Justin Bieber in full song.

Share the creepiest thing that’s ever happened while you were alone.
It was there somewhere, lurking in the shadows. Was I tracking it or was it stalking me? Huge, an efficient killer. Just one of these things had killed my entire crew, acid for blood, huge jaws… no, wait, that’s Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley out of Alien, not me at all.

What would you like your last words to be?
What bus aaaargh…

Do you believe in any ‘mythical’ monsters like chupacabras or shadow people?
I’ve never heard of “shadow people” but they sound very cool, so I definitely believe in them.

How long do you think you would last in a horror movie?
Straight away I’d suggest splitting up and then I’d pop outside to have a bit of a look around armed only with the light on my mobile phone. It wouldn’t be long before I ended up strapped to a garden chair with my guts all over the lawn.

Are you afraid of or find clowns creepy?
I’m in the “creepy” camp.

In the zombie apocalypse, what would be your weapon of choice?
We need to destroy the brain. A baseball bat would work but a sword would be better. Good for stabbing and slashing. Chop their legs off and they can’t run after you.

Have you ever had your tarot cards read?
Nope!

Anyone know the reason behind putting candles in jack-o-lanterns?
To make them look cooler and spookier?

Do you think putting special emphasis on certain holidays – like Halloween is ‘spooky’ for example — is a good idea or just more mindless entertainment for the masses?
This happens to a lot of days. Halloween, formerly All Hallows Eve (the eve of All Saints Day), formerly the Celtic festival of Samhain has become an evening for kiddies to dress up and get sweets. Christmas (formerly the Roman festival of Saturnalia) has become a day to see family, eat a lot and give/receive presents. There’s no harm it it, I guess.

I’ve been trying to work out why people keep referring to Halloween as a “holiday” and then it struck me – since the English word “holiday” usually translates into American as “vacation”, I guess the American word “holiday” has a slightly different meaning.

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FF – Tales from a Chessboard

October 31, 2018 65 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jeff Arnold.

I’ve gone completely wacky this week. Some might say surreal 🙂

Copyright Jeff Arnold

 

Tales from a Chessboard

“It’s not fair. I don’t wanna be a prawn.”

“It’s pawn.”

“Whatever. I wanna be a castle. Or a horsie. At least I have… insurance.

“Whaddya mean, insurance?”

“Well, Barry… watch out! Incoming bishop!”

Aaaaargh!”

“Ouch. Tough break. I would’ve expected better from a man of god – what did Barry ever do to you, your reverence?”

“He opposed my Master, the Golden-Eyed Bounteous Magnificence, as do you. Your fate is sealed, insignificant one.”

“Big talk! Well, my Master, the Squinty-Eyed Cheating Asshat, kitted me out with a machine gun.”

Rat-a-tat-a-tat!

“I win! All hail the prawns.”

 

Sharing My World 28-10-2018

October 28, 2018 27 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Name two books that have influenced you and share how.
The first book has to be “Off to Play”, by ground-breaking author Mabel O’Donnell. It’s  basically a minimalist treatise on the surface simplicity of life in 1950/60s England, but the dark undertones quickly become obvious. Here’s an extract from the beginning of the book:

“This is Janet. This is John. This is Mother. This is Father. See Janet, Mother. See Janet play. This is Father. See John and Father.”

See how it’s already polarised along gender-specific lines? I mean, blimey. Deep or what?

The second book is “Geometric Multiplication of Vectors: An Introduction to Geometric Algebra in Physics (Compact Textbooks in Mathematics)” by Miroslav Josipovic. I don’t understand any of the words but it has lots of cool pictures of shapes and stuff.

In your opinion, where is the line between art and not art? 
That line is in an individual’s head. Everyone likes something different. For example, take one of the most famous works of art in the world, the Mona Lisa. But why? Countless people go to see it every year and stare at it in awe. They see it as art, I see it as some old painting. I don’t get the “brilliance” of it.

Trivia for Halloween: What item is banned only during Halloween from 12am October 31st to 12pm November 1st in Hollywood California? (I know the answer, but I do not have any idea WHY)… c’mon… hazard a guess!
What could it be? What could it be?

Film cameras. Car chases. Stunt doubles. Socks. Kitchen utensils. Small dogs in handbags. Okay, I’ll look it up.

It’s aerosol string (usually sold as brand “Silly String”). After a reported US$200,000 clean-up operation one Halloween, the stuff got itself banned 🙂

What is something that really annoys you but doesn’t bother most people?
Teaspoons thrown carelessly onto the draining board at work. The people – animals – responsible will be hunted down like dogs, dragged in chains back to the kitchen and forced to clean, dry and put them away properly like what they’re supposed to.

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FF – Welcome to the 21st Century

October 24, 2018 57 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

 

All was quiet in the museum, scarcely visited, going bust… until the skylight exploded and soldiers roped down, firing weapons, dropping flash-bangs.

Faster than Emergency Responders came a new wave of visitors, gawking at the carnage, taking photos, shooting videos, instantly uploaded, a million ‘likes’ an hour.

Now it’s a permanent exhibit, the bodies left where they fell, grieving families paid off. The sole survivor (now on staff) recites the words spoken by soldiers, to the delight of the crowd.

“This isn’t the Muzbekistan Embassy. Dammit, all those skylights look the same from a chopper…”

Welcome to the 21st Century.