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FF – The Nam

November 25, 2020 33 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Susan Eames.

Copyright Susan Eames

And…. Action!

“Hello, Bruce, we heard from your grandson that you were injured in Vietnam and would love to talk to you for our documentary.”

“Sure thing, cobber. Hurt in The Nam, I was.”

“How did it feel?”

“Bloody painful, mate.”

“Shock, fear?”

“For sure!“

“Do you still suffer?”

“Aches on cold days. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, reliving it, like.”

“I bet.”

“Bad year, 2018.”

2018?”

“My holiday in Ho Chi Minh City. What we’re talking about! Slipped in the shower. Broke me leg in three places. Five star hotel, too!”

“Bloody hell. Cut!”

  

Sharing My World 16-11-2020

November 22, 2020 19 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. We have a new COVID-themed image this week!

Is cereal soup? Why or why not?
What? No. Surely not! Milk makes me throw up anyway so all that leaves is the dry Rice Crispies. Not very soup-like.

I suppose if you wait for the cereal to get soggy and mash it all up you’d get a soup-like substance. Like gruel. Yum.

What are some interesting ways to answer everyday questions like “how’s it going” or “what do you do”?
“What’s ‘it’? You’re talking nonsense, man. You need to define your terms. Moron.”

“What do I do when? At night? During the day? When I’m out and about? Be more precise! Moron.”

(Taken from my upcoming book “How to lose friends and piss everyone off”.)

What was your favourite toy growing up?
I remember two. There was my bike. I’d cycle all around town visiting friends. The other was a cool castle my Dad made for me and my brother out of wood. Battlements, a drawbridge, it had everything!

If you have a pet, and you could ask it three questions, what would you ask?
I don’t but I’ve had cats so let’s go with a cat.

“Why are you peeing on the carpet?”
“Are you taking the piss? If you are, please take it off the carpet and outside.”
“When you look at me are you thinking about how I’d make good eating?”

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FF – Portal to Nowhere

November 18, 2020 56 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sarah Potter.

Copyright Sarah Potter

“Hello, Control? I’m through the portal!”

crackle crackle

“I can’t hear you, can you hear me? It’s incredible, but… all black and white! My eyes! My eyes!”

“Greetings, stranger. Do not fear.”

“But… but… my eyes… black and white…”

“That is normal, my friend. You have entered the In-Between.”

“In between… where?”

“Between whence you came and your destination. A mirror world of your own, dark and without colour.”

“Where is the portal? It’s gone!”

“You can never return. But you are most welcome!”

“I am?”

“Of course! We so seldom get fresh meat… I mean a new face haha… here.”

“Ulp.”

Sharing My World 09-11-2020

November 15, 2020 19 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?
I’m not a big fan of surprises. I like to know what’s coming so I can sort out my reaction in advance. I wouldn’t want to go into shock or burst into tears or whatever, that would never do 🙂

What’s your favourite zoo animal?
I’ve not been to a zoo for many years, and I’m not a big fan of animals being in zoos. They’re not as bad as they used to be of course with the tiny cages they used to have. I quite like the penguins.

What three things do you think of the most each day?
Hahaha oh goodness. Best not to say 😉

Let’s go for three other things. Work, what’s for tea, what shall I watch next.

When, if ever, is taking a human life justified?
To protect yourself or others.

Or when someone’s getting a bit annoying, obviously.

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FF – Jinks and Simmons in – Crack Down!

November 11, 2020 62 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Copyright Dale Rogerson

And now on BBC One, popular 70s police drama “Jinks and Simmons”.

(Cue cheesy 70s opening titles)

“Jinks, look at this.”

“Fairy lights?”

“Bastards. Sick, sick bastards. Break it down.”

“POLICE! NOBODY MOVE! You – name!”

“Um, Mr Wilberforce. This is my wife.”

“What’s the date, Mr Wilberforce? THE DATE, MAN!”

“Um, November 13th?”

“CORRECT! November! And what are these?”

“Um, Christmas lights. We, um, love Christmas.”

“Jinks, arrest them for offences contrary to the Misuse of Holidays Act (1697). Too early for fairy lights, Mr Wilberforce! Get these sick bastards out of my sight.”

“Sick, sick bastards.”

(Cue cheesy 70s end credits)

Sharing My World 02-11-2020

November 8, 2020 20 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Which meal is your favourite: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
Tea, which is “dinner”, if you like (I’m not posh enough to call it “dinner” unless it’s a meal out).

I like to choose something good to watch and relax and eat. I don’t eat breakfast at all. Even when I’m in a hotel and it’s “included” I rarely eat any. I just don’t feel hungry.

Who do you admire most in the world?
Me. I’m awesome.

No, wait, that sounds a bit arrogant and self-obsessive.

No one person. Traits and actions from lots of people.

Especially from me 😉

With the obvious restrictions in place, what do you regret not doing in the last year?
Nothing much, really. A couple of birthday family get-togethers were missed, and I haven’t been able to babysit my godson and his siblings, but apart from that, I was never really one for going out.

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FF – Operation Extreme Prejudice

November 4, 2020 57 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Rochelle herself.

Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Sitting in the control room, General B’Asturrd noticed a furtive movement on the CCTV monitor.

“There, d’ya see? A thief, stealing from that little stall! Commence Operation Extreme Prejudice (Beta Trial)!”

“Yessir!”

Bzzzzzzz

The festive wires hanging above the street came alive with electricity. A lightning bolt, sparking with lethal power, struck down. The thief screamed as his eyeballs exploded messily and he fell smoking to the street.

Much the same happened to the stallholders. And the tourists. And an unfortunate cat.

“A success!”

“Um, sir, it was a bit… indiscriminate. All those innocent…”

“Innocent? INNOCENT?… Everybody’s guilty of something.”

Sharing My World 26-10-2020

November 1, 2020 28 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top of?
I have no idea. It wouldn’t have been very high, though. Maybe a few storeys. A multi-storey car park or something.

What do you do to keep fit?
What is this “keeping fit” of which you speak?

What’s your jack-o-lantern carved to look like?
I’ve never carved one. I’ve never known anyone who carved one. Or bought a pumpkin. Halloween is getting bigger in the UK but has never been a big thing.

Fortunately it was largely cancelled this year, for obvious reasons. In fact, trick-and-treating was illegal in much if the UK due to various local lockdown restrictions.

Nothing says “super-spreader event” quite like going round loads of houses taking sweets from dozens of strangers!

Do you have hope or have you lost it?
I hope I have hope.

Hey, looks like I do have hope!

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FF – Spy Car!

October 28, 2020 57 comments

Here is my post for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J Hardy Carroll (I think).

Copyright J Hardy Carroll

“Synchronise watches… motion?”

“Motion is go.”

“Audio?”

“Audio is go.”

“Video?”

“Go on video.”

“Stand by mini spy car and… go go go!”

“Careful, steer round those kids… good, through the door, mind the rubbish bin… good, yes, good!”

“Nearly there!”

“Yes, just through this door, and… target acquired! He’s typing the password in! Video?”

“Video is capturing!”

“Excellent!”

“We’ll soon have complete access to the mainframe! All those grades we can change at a whim!”

“No, for £100 per grade. We’ll be rich! Rich!”

What’s this? Some pupil’s toy truck? I’M NOT HAVING IT IN HERE!

SMASH!

“Bollocks.”

Sharing My World 19-10-2020

October 25, 2020 22 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

How many people in real life or on social media (including WordPress, which has become a rather social media site) do you consider good enough friends to help you ‘hide the dead body?
I’m perfectly capable of hiding my own dead bodies, thanks. Ask someone else and you’ll forever be waiting for them to break and tell someone else. Best plan – get someone else to help with the digging, then pop them across the back of the head with the shovel and bung them in the same hole.

Are You Ready To Order? What Are You Having (craving) right now?
Nothing right now but it’s early morning. Sometimes sweet, sometimes savoury, it depends on how I’m feeling.

How’s the weather in YOUR neck of the woods?
Pretty unsettled. A heavy rain shower just finished and it’s currently 9 degrees. Through the day it’s generally reaching 12 or 13 degrees.

There has always been something.” “Before there was something, there was only nothing.” Which do you think is more likely?
Maybe there were these alien kids in another dimension who created a little universe as a school science project. After only winning third prize – after all, new universes are ten a penny – they forgot about it and it expanded. Now we live there!

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