Home > Fiction, Just Silly > Evil Squirrel’s Competition – Where’s My Nuts?

Evil Squirrel’s Competition – Where’s My Nuts?

Evil Squirrel over at the Nest is holding a competition! We get the chance to win UD$20 worth of squirrel-themed thongs, or some such, from his squirrel shop.

Squirrel-themed thongs, I hear you ask? No, I didn’t believe it either – click here for the proof.

According to the rules of the competition, the entry can be anything we like as long as it contains a squirrel, a possum and a unicorn. Sounds like the ideal opportunity to make a childish play on the word “nuts” to me (desperately hoping as I do so that it has the same slang meaning in the rest of the English-speaking world as it does in the UK).

So here is my cute little children’s story – “Where’s My Nuts?” (Warning – not suitable for children, unless they don’t know that “nuts” is slang for “testicles” in which case it’s fine.)

Where’s My Nuts?

Squirrel

Where are my nuts? Where could they be?

Squirrel was in a terrible state. He couldn’t find his nuts! He thought he knew where he’d buried them, but he must have been mistaken.

He looked high and low, over hill and over dale. He looked under the tree. He looked in the old tree stump. No nuts!

Squirrel didn’t know what to do. He sat under his favourite tree and started to cry.

“Why are you so sad, Squirrel?” came a voice.

Squirrel looked up from under his tree. Before him stood a magnificent creature, reminiscent of a horse, with a glossy white coat and a horn protruding from its forehead.

“Yes, yes, I am a unicorn,” said the creature. “Glorious am I not? Bow down before me, lesser creature of the woods!”

Squirrel bowed down.

Unicorn

Behold my awesomeness!

“My question again, lowly one,” said Unicorn. “Why so sad?”

“I cannot find my nuts,” said Squirrel despondently.

“Nuts!” guffawed a voice from behind the tree. “Hee hee!”

“Who is there?” demanded Unicorn.

“It’s me, Possum!” said the voice. A small creature appeared from behind the tree, and sure enough, it was Possum. “Arf arf!” continued Possum. “He’s lost his ‘nuts’!”

“Ignore him,” Unicorn advised Squirrel. “Come, we shall search for your nuts…”

“Guffaw!”

“… as it is my duty to help the lesser beings,” finished Unicorn, glaring at Possum. “My horn has magic powers.”

“Thank you, oh Majestic One!” said Squirrel, a little more cheerfully. “For without my nuts I…”

“… can’t have children! Guffaw!”

“… will go hungry,” continued Squirrel.

Possum

Hee hee! Guffaw!

And so the new chums looked high and low, over hill and over dale, under all the trees and inside all the old tree stumps. They still couldn’t find Squirrel’s nuts!

“Maybe someone has stolen them?” thought Squirrel aloud. “But who would want to eat my nuts?”

Possum was laughing so hard he couldn’t speak.

“Wait,” said Unicorn, “what’s that there?” He pointed to a patch of recently-disturbed earth next to the fence. “Search there, Squirrel. I believe my horn has found your nuts.”

Possum’s face was turning red and tears were streaming from his eyes.

Squirrel raced to the fence and began to dig.

“I’ve found something!” he called. “I can feel my nuts!”

Possum was banging his feet on the ground, trembling with mirth, his face getting redder by the second.

“Yes!” shouted Squirrel. “Yes! My nuts are in my paws!”

Possum gave one last guffaw and twitched. Blood trickled from his eyes and he went limp.

Squirrel thanked Unicorn.

“My pleasure, minion of the forest,” said Unicorn, and pranced majestically away.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except Possum who had, quite literally, laughed himself to death.

The End.

  1. February 9, 2014 at 8:37 am

    HaHa!! Glad he was reunited with his nuts. What a way to go! 😀

    Like

  2. NotAPunkRocker
    February 9, 2014 at 9:00 am

    There is so much awesome here. Love it!

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 9:11 am

      Furry animals, childish humour and DraliDoodles – it’s got it all 🙂

      Like

  3. Lyn
    February 9, 2014 at 10:35 am

    A lovely tale for children and childish adults who need a good laugh. I love the Dralidoodles 🙂

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      Th squirrel actually looked OK. I still can’t draw horses (or unicorns) though. Or possums, evidently 🙂

      Like

  4. February 9, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Ha! I love your unicorn the best. It looks like the kind of unicorn I would draw. Majestic animal of the forest!

    Of course now that the squirrel has found his nuts, he’s just going to play with them all day.

    Like

  5. February 9, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    LOL!! This was adorable, DM. I am so pleased the lost nuts were found. Phew. 🙂

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 4:37 pm

      It had to have a happy ending 🙂

      Like

  6. February 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    That’s a new one even for Buster, who has died a thousand deaths already! I love the doodles too! Another great entry, and I would have been disappointed had someone not died! I will see to it Buster has no say on grading your contest entry…

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      Much appreciated – he probably wouldn’t take kindly to me whacking possums in the name of comedy.

      Like

  7. February 9, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    That possum sure had a one-track mind! But I’m glad to know that the squirrel finally found his nuts….must have felt so good 🙂

    Like

  8. February 9, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    Good’un.

    Like

  9. February 9, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Oh Drali that was so funny I think I laughed my nuts off!… oh no my nuts!… what? wait… girls don’t have nuts? oh phew never mind then then no need for panic… 😀

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      That was a close thing!
      Hopefully there are no blokes who found it that funny, or there might be injuries 😉

      Like

      • February 10, 2014 at 3:00 am

        Oh I hope they held onto their nuts so as not to lose them… oh and great unicorn… sorry about poor possum’s death but at least he died happy.

        Like

      • February 10, 2014 at 9:11 am

        I didn’t quite get the head right but at least I remembered the ears. I think I captured his sense of superiority!

        Like

  10. February 9, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Awesome! You make my entry look lame.

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 at 8:48 pm

      No way – I love your posts which show us how to draw your ultra-cute little animals. Not that it helps people like me who have no drawing talent (see my unicorn)! I still don’t understand how I can have such a clear picture of something in my head and it comes out so differently on the page 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed my entry!

      Like

  11. February 10, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Brilliant, I’ll have to look at the other entries but this really sounds like a winner…. So will you be posting a pic of you in your squirrel thong lol 🙂

    Like

    • February 10, 2014 at 9:12 am

      I have a feeling a picture like that would “breach WP’s terms of service”!

      Like

      • February 10, 2014 at 10:45 am

        Ha Ha, seriously though, good luck with the competition 🙂

        Like

      • February 10, 2014 at 12:32 pm

        Thanks 🙂

        Like

  12. February 10, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Hehe 🙂 Funny

    Like

  13. February 10, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Very funny–and the doodles are inspired lunacy 🙂

    Like

    • February 10, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      I thought they added a certain extra something 🙂

      Like

  14. February 11, 2014 at 2:16 am

    That’s pretty dang twisted, my friend. I’d say I’m the possum but I don’t want to bleed out via my eyes.

    Like

    • February 11, 2014 at 7:18 am

      It’s not a nice way to go 😦

      Like

  15. February 23, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Oh my goodness. Sounds like a bunch of middle school boys! Thanks for the fun story (I’ll be giggling for a while.)

    Like

    • February 24, 2014 at 5:58 am

      Possums are terribly immature, aren’t they?
      I’m glad you enjoyed the story 🙂

      Like

  16. February 24, 2014 at 10:20 am

    I’ve read almost all of the entries until now (3 more to read). You are always my favorite (yes, with a little influence,:-))
    It is an honor to be among with so many creative entries!!! Thanks to you 🙂
    Love and hugs
    Servant Z & Yelloz

    Like

    • February 25, 2014 at 6:44 pm

      Thanks Servant Z and Yelloz! There were some amazing entries (yours included) for this competition 🙂

      Like

  1. February 23, 2014 at 4:44 pm
  2. February 26, 2015 at 8:38 pm

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