FF – Newly Elected

December 2, 2021 6 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Lisa Fox.

There’s some allusion to recent “sleaze-related” issues in the UK government, but I’ve written “MP” and “PM” longhand to help my non-UK readers (thus going slightly over the word limit in the process).

Copyright Lisa Fox

“Mr Fortingham-Smythe, new Member of Parliament for Little Umptingham – what are your plans?”

“I’m going to shit all over the electorate.”

“What? Um, please, watch your language, sir. This is the BBC, after all!”

“Humph.”

“Not the answer I was expecting…?”

“Now that I’m safely elected, I’m planning on indolence, debauchery and a bit of general non-specific corruption. Fill my pockets, so to speak.”

“But… but…”

“And the best bit is, if I’m caught the Prime Minister will simply change the rules!”

“Um, yes, but…”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit upstairs and wait for a scruffy voter to arrive.”

Sharing My World 22-11-2021

November 28, 2021 14 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What are some red flags to watch out for in daily life?
Clowns. If you see a clown, run away. Nothing good ever came from clowns. Creepy bastards.

What obstacles would you include in the ‘world’s most amazing obstacle course”?
I would include a “clown gauntlet”. Rope bridges, tyre runs, netting, even barbed wire crawling – all fine. But asked to run a gauntlet of clowns? 99.2% of all elite soldiers across the world* screamed like little babies and ran the other way.

(*) made up statistic

Who is the best most believable movie or book villain in your opinion? Or the one that stands out for you? (‘book’ is included because some folks don’t watch movies)
“Ming the Merciless” out of Flash Gordon. I see a lot of his type around the world.

What, in your opinion, is the most beautiful/handsome part of your face? (no dissing yourself please, we’re all beautiful/handsome!)
No dissing myself? Humph. My eyes, then. Awesome they are, and whatnot.

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FF – Not a Story

November 25, 2021 41 comments

Here is my (not a) story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Inspiration did not strike this week 😦

Copyright Roger Bultot

A street. A perfectly ordinary street. Somewhere foreign – those numberplates are far too small to be UK.

Pretty much nothing is happening. A story about nothing happening? Tricky, that.

There’s an air con unit top left. Could be an alien spider robot. But to what end? Haven’t we done that before?

Maybe that skyscraper in the distance. Maybe it has a viewing platform. And every so often that big spike shoots up and impales a tourist. That could work.

“Hey Mike, take a selfie…”
WHOOMP! Aaaargh!
“Oh, hell. Mike.”

I don’t think it has legs.

I’ll try again next week.

Sharing My World 15-11-2021

November 21, 2021 16 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. Some pretty serious questions this week…

In your opinion, what should be humanity’s goal?
Like a medical doctor, “do no harm”. But it’s a bit late for that. When the squirrels take over, things will be different.

Are you hesitant to speak your opinions?
I’d, um, prefer not to proffer my opinion on that questions. Um. Everyone will be forced to speak their opinions when the squirrels take over, of course.

In what ways has society changed during your lifetime? What do you think caused these changes?
The way we live has changed through technology and more progressive thinking but I don’t think underneath society has changed all that much. There’s more oversight on governments so they find ways to operate “under the radar”. The new squirrel government will be more accountable.

If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
Half the time they’re bigging me up, the other half they’re dragging me down. Not a chance. Way too moody. Unless it was one of our new squirrel overlords, they can talk to me however they’d like.

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FF – Neat and Tidy

November 17, 2021 44 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

“There we go. Ta-da!”

“Hmm, very neat and tidy. Not very safe-looking, though. Propped up like that.”

“Rubbish, it’s fine.”

“Look, your mum’s at the window.”

Creeeeak

“Boys, you’ve been working very hard! Do you fancy a snack? I can whip up…”

CRAAAAASH! Aaaargh!

“Oh, God, nooooooo! Why, God, whyyyyyy? Now we’re gonna have to make our own snacks.”

“Well, shit.”

“Bollocks to that. Pub?”

“Yep. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

Grooooan…

Sharing My World 08-11-2021

November 14, 2021 11 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

How many pillows do you sleep with? If over one or two, is it because you sleep better ‘propped up’ a little?
Ha, I had to pop upstairs and check! One pillow. Quite a flat pillow at that. I’m of the opinion that sleeping with my head at a 45 degree angle to the body is probably not the best for your neck.

What would be the worst thing you could put in a piñata?
Poo 😮

Body parts 😮

Those chocolates with the nuts that are always left behind in the variety box at Christmas 😮

What noise annoys you the most?
I hate constantly-barking dogs. How do they find the energy to bark for hours on end? What’s wrong with them? Why don’t the owners get them to shut up? It’s 3 in the morning! These are just some of the barking-dog questions which will never be answered.

If cartoon physics suddenly replaced real physics, what are some things you would want to try?
I’d like to be able to go wherever I like simply by drawing a big hole.

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FF – A Beautiful View

November 10, 2021 48 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Ted Strutz.

Copyright Ted Strutz

Dave and little Maggie walked up on deck and looked out over the impressive vista before them.

“Oh, Daddy, isn’t it beautiful?”

“It is, Maggie.”

“I wish Mummy was here to see it.”

“Me too.”

Mummy had been held up. She’d missed the boat. Dave and Maggie’s home, since the waters rose. Maggie had been only six months then.

“Those are trees, aren’t they, Daddy?”

“That’s right, Maggie.”

“Daddy?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I heard some of the others talking. Why are they calling this place the ‘Sahara Desert’?”

“That’s a story for another time. Come on, let’s go back below.”

Sharing My World 01-11-2021

November 7, 2021 21 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. This week is another squirrel one, courtesy of Evil Squirrel’s critters.

ScratchyWhat was the very first popular song you ever remember taking a liking to? I’m not talking about children’s songs or old traditional songs… but the kind of songs you’d hear on the radio.
I can’t remember, but the first album I bought with my very own pocket money was Super Trouper by Abba.

ZeebaAre you one of those people who get queasy at sight of blood, or could you watch an open heart surgery?
I’m fine with blood, and I can watch anything as long as it’s on TV. Just last night I was watching “Dredd” and happily munched away at my egg and bacon roll while viewing a drug dealer who’d been skinned and thrown off a 200 storey building, brains all over the ground.

However, if I were to see anything like that in real life, I’d probably pass out before I even had time to throw up.

Big ScratWho or what do you feel is lurking right behind you, just waiting to ambush you and make your life a living hell (or “heck” for those with delicate sensibilities)?
I don’t feel like anything is lurking right behind me. That’s no way to live 😮 Even Snuggle Bear doesn’t see it coming until it “happens”…

SparkleponyWhat is the gaudiest thing you have ever worn?
I once went to a 70s themed disco. I had a big wig, tight purple trousers, the whole 70s thing. Aside from that, I’m pretty much dark blue, black and grey clothes-wise.

The Squirrel ChildrenFess up! What was something you did as a child that got you into BIG trouble?
Me? BIG trouble? As if… 😉

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FF – Back Down to Earth

November 4, 2021 46 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jennifer Pendergast.

“Look, dear, Billy’s done some artwork! I’m in it! I am at the centre of everything. The intersection of the Venn Diagram. I am his beginning and his end. I am the centre of his universe. I AM HIS GOD!”

“That’s all very nice, darling, but Billy’s only four years old. I’m not entirely sure that’s what he’s trying to say.”

“Hey, Billy, come and explain your artwork to me!”

“Well, Daddy, the yewow dinasouwus is gonna eat you, and you is vewy scared and you has done a little poo poo.”

“Humph.”

“Don’t worry, darling, you’re still the centre of my universe.”

Sharing My World 25-10-2021

October 31, 2021 27 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Name something you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark forest or in an abandoned building?
Dreeplang G’Kar, lesser demon of the Circles of Hell (Junior Grade). He’s okay usually, but stick him in an abandoned building and he goes all hard core, all “eat your soul” this and “destroy the world” that. There’s just no talking to him.

Do you believe in multiple dimensions or worlds?
Yeah. I bet that’s what deja vu is. A glimpse across realms dum dum DUM…

Would you ever go to a graveyard at night?
Yes, I don’t see any reason not to. Even Dreeplang G’Kar is pretty chill in graveyards.

What is the most frightening book you’ve ever read?
“Wuthering Heights”. That was frighteningly boring. I thought it would be all heaving bosoms and whatnot. You’re better off watching the film adaptation for stuff like this. Shame, because the song spinoff by Kate Bush was awesome.

If you could have a spooky Halloween pet (black cat, owl, bat, rat, wolf), which would you pick out of the five choices?
I’d have a black cat. Black cats aren’t spooky, black cats are cool.

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