FF – Safety First!

September 18, 2019 20 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J Hardy Carroll.

Copyright J Hardy Carroll

 

“Ha ha you have tied my utensils to the ceiling what a jape.”

“Yes ha ha now you cannot cook.”

“But… (line!)

(But I must cook…)

“But I must cook I shall retrieve my utensils.”

“No you must not you may be hurt.”

“Oh nonsense I will just use this ladder help I am falling.”

“Oh no he is dead how tragic what have I done what have I done.”

(Cut!)

 

We hope you enjoyed our safety video. Don’t muck about in the kitchen! It’s a dangerous place!

 

(Actors sought for our next video, “Danger in the Bedroom!” Preferably with talent this time.)

 

Sharing My World 09-09-2019

September 15, 2019 19 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery or came into a huge fortune?
I’d buy myself a nice island as a retreat, for the pursuit of self-awareness and introspection. It would just be me, my mansion, my private security army and my lethal response security system. We can’t have local yokels turning up in their crappy little boats and walking on my private beach, now, can we?

Which decade do you think had the best sense of style?
None of them. They’ve all been rubbish. In no decade has it been acceptable to walk around in your pyjamas. Except possibly in 70s discos.

Would you rather be half your height or double your weight?
Neither would be much fun. I suppose half my height, as double my weight would lead to imminent death. Although… weight can be lost but you can’t add height. So on the other hand, double my weight would be temporary.

If you wanted to get away from everyone totally, where would you hide?
My aforementioned private island, as any interlopers would be quickly dispatched by the aforementioned private security army or aforementioned lethal response security system.

Categories: About draliman Tags:

FF – Code Breaker

September 11, 2019 62 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.

I had a bit of trouble coming up with a story this week. Click on the froggy for all the other stories!

Copyright C.E. Ayr

 

The special lenses easily picked out the relevant letters encoded into the text. Writing them down, Jerry smiled. Karl Marx’s tomb in Highgate Cemetery. Too easy. Jerry was one of the best.

He arrived at Highgate after dark. Placing the package on the gravestone, he watched from the bushes as it was… stolen by a drunken hobo! Chasing down the thief, snapping his neck and replacing the package cost ten vital minutes, but finally it was collected, and payment left.

Job done.

Some days he really regretted taking a job at DeliverMyFoodInSecretBecauseTheWifePutMeOnADietAndShellKillMe.com.

 

Sharing My World 02-09-2019

September 8, 2019 27 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

When you’re 90 years old, what do you suppose will matter most to you?
Watching “Homes Under the Hammer” at the retirement village while keeping my bodily functions under control. I hope there’s raspberry jelly for pudding today! I can’t handle anything that requires chewing.

What’s the best way to spend a rainy afternoon?
Napping, reading, watching TV and playing PS4. It doesn’t have to be rainy!

What is one thing you don’t understand about yourself?
I understand myself perfectly. I know myself like the back of my hand… aargh, what the hell’s that on the back of my hand? How long’s that been there?

When was the last time you tried something to look ‘cool’ (hip), but it ended in utter embarrassment? Details?
I don’t have to try to look cool, it’s just something that comes naturally 🙂

There was this one time when I was walking along the top of a wall and decided to jump dynamically off the end. I leaned too far forward during the jump and went head over heels. I did, however, manage to twist in the air so I didn’t land on any of my expensive electronics. I landed on my face instead so that was a lucky escape.

Categories: About draliman Tags:

FF – Little House of Horrors

September 4, 2019 78 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Penny Gadd.

For the other stories, click on the froggy.

Copyright Penny Gadd

 

Knock knock

“Hi, welcome, come in!”

“Oh, okay, thanks.”

“Here, let me show you around. Here’s the sofa.”

“Oh, yes. Nice.”

“And the bookcase.”

“Lovely. I see you have all fifteen volumes of ‘Yapia’.”

“Yes.”

“What’s that, then?”

“Dunno. It’s all in foreign.”

“Oh. And that plant. Very interesting. What is it?”

“A man-eating death plant. It’s hungry.”

“Oh, man!”

“Sorry.”

“I only came round to borrow a cup of sugar.”

“Yeah. But what can you do?”

“I know. Nice knowing you. Wow. Bummer.”

“Right? Plant, eat!”

Slobber! Chomp! Burrrrrp! More! Feed me!

“Bon appetite, plant.”

Knock knock

“Ooh, dessert!”

 

Sharing My World 26-08-2019

September 1, 2019 27 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. Which logo to use today? Ah, the agony of choice…

If you had to sum up the whole human species in 3 words, what would those words be?
Here are some choices, from worst to best.

All screwed up.

Getting there slowly.

Flawed but precious.

Where is the strangest place you’ve relieved yourself? Obviously in an emergency situation.
This is a bit gross. But I was a student so that makes it not gross. Though I was a PhD student so I was a bit older.

At home… in a beer glass. Apparently the girls in the house had a “female situation” and had been in the bathroom for over an hour. And the boys were drinking and filling their bladders. Of course, I had to drink all the beer in the glass first so it was only delaying the problem…

What is the worst smelling place you’ve ever been?
Hey, it’s a university story again! And it’s a bit gross again. I blame the questions.

This would be the toilets in the Students’ Union during a big event. We’re talking vomit everywhere. And a lot of it was black. Before it was banned, a lot of people (including me) were drinking “snakebite and black” – half lager, half cider and blackcurrent juice (to make it a bit drinkable).

How drunk is drunk enough?
As I don’t drink, anything at all for me. For other people, mellow but not aggressive.

Categories: About draliman Tags:

FF – Granny’s Stuck!

August 28, 2019 69 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Linda Kreger.

For this week’s other stories, click on the froggy.

Copyright Linda Kreger

 

“Broken leg at my time of life, that table left where anyone could trip over it…”

Your table, Gran.”

“That house is a tip…”

Your house, Gran.”

“Now I’m stuck on this hill, no strength, you youngsters…”

“Maybe if you’d been more careful…”

“The cheek!”

“Pull yourself along a bit?”

“At my time of life?”

“Drop your shopping, we’ll carry it.”

“You will not!”

“Please, Gran, we need you to help out here…”

“Be more careful, pull myself along, drop my shopping, help out… didn’t happen in my day… no respect, youngsters today… be telling me to release the brakes next…”

“GAAAHHHH!”