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Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

FF – Magic Stoner Donkeyland

May 22, 2019 28 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo was contributed by J. Hardy Carroll.

It’s all a bit mad and has a beginning, a middle and an end (purely because I put “The End” at the end). It sort of starts with the photo, takes a bit of a left turn in the middle and then shoots off at a tangent at the end 🙂 .

Warning – may contain drug references!

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Copyright J. Hardy Carroll

 

“Look! Puff the Magic Donkey.”

“Surely it’s ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’?”

“I can’t draw dragons. But he’s still magic. Look!”

The donkey leapt from the page and appeared on the pavement! His eyes were wide and unfocussed and he appeared a trifle unsteady on his hooves.

“Hi, Puff.”

Puff coughed a cloud of sweet-smelling smoke. “Dude,” he hee-hawed, wandering dazedly out into traffic.

Meanwhile, in Magic Donkeyland HQ, Stoner-General Donkey awaited news from his invasion scout, Stoner-Corporal Puff – a report fated never to arrive, after stoned-out-of-his-brain Puff’s close encounter with the Number 19 bus from Islington.

Invasion aborted!

The End.

 

FF – Skool Daze

May 16, 2019 64 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. She also provided this week’s photo.

 

The starting pistol fires! He dives into the water – Geoff Bullet, defending Olympic champion. But… something’s wrong! Bright light, waves… not a pool, a huge lake! A random inter-dimensional portal…? Geoff kicks hard for shore… so far, so very far, muscles like lead, must… keep… going…

“Geoffrey! Stop thrashing around, get out of the pool and get changed! The rest of the class is already on the bus.”

“Yes, Sir, sorry, Sir…”

Caught by a vicious deadly monster, Geoff Bullet is hauled from the water and forced into a lifetime of slavery in the notorious Algebra Mines of the planet Arithmeticita…

 

FF – Snowflake Patrol

May 8, 2019 69 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jean L. Hays.

I’m thinking this bunch of whingy whiners are never going to be elite troops…

Copyright Jean L. Hays

 

“Target ahead. Silent protocol.”

“Right-oh, Sarge!”

“Shhh!”

“Jeez.”

“Barbed wire. Snips, now.”

“Snips? Anyone?”

“Oh, for… slip underneath.”

“…ow! I caught my finger…”

“Shhh!”

“…aw, man, I got cow poo on my uniform.…”

“…I know a good dry cleaner….”

“…what about my finger? I’m bleeding out….”

“…Sarge, I knelt in a puddle, my Mum’s gonna kill me…”

“WILL THE LOT OF YOU SHUT UP?! THEY’RE GONNA HEAR…”

 

BANG!

 

“Aw, man. Poor Sarge.”

“…now I’ve got blood on my uniform… blood and poo…”

“This is too stressful. Let’s evac home.”

“…and don’t think you’re coming in the chopper covered in poo…”

 

 

FF – Most Wanted!

May 1, 2019 66 comments

Here is my even sillier-than-last-week’s story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roget Bultot.

Work is mad, I’m doing 11+ hour days, so here’s something I knocked out in my lunch break.

Copyright Roger Bultot

 

“Newtown’s Most Wanted”, by reporter Tim Pointless

Police are today searching for a band of merciless criminals. Sgt Doughnut from Newtown Constabulary explains:

“They’re roving the streets, cold-bloodedly washing cars without permission, left, right and centre. Left, right and centre!”

I asked Sgt Doughnut why this was such a problem.

“Look at all the suds! You could slip and break a hip! Little bastards. Pardon my French.”

Newtown Constabulary responded with “no comment”, but muttered that “Sgt Doughnut should never have been allowed out near the public, the daft bugger.”

Next week – “Flower Arranging exposé – the dark side of Ikebana”

 

FF – The Crabs of Crab Bay

April 24, 2019 71 comments

Here is my silly story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sandra Crook.

Copyright Sandra Crook

 

The Crabs of Crab Bay saw, at last, their target. Holidaymakers, setting up for a day’s sunbathing.

“Attack, my comrades! Today we taste blood!”

Pouring onto the sand, they charged, pincers snapping.

“Look, Dad, crabs!”

“Mmm, crab meat. Grab the cricket bat!”

The Crabs of Crab Bay milled in terror as the two-legs approached. Field Marshal Crab took charge and, wheeling sharply, with full military discipline, the Crabs of Crab Bay fled the scene strategically withdrew.

 

Seven Crabs lost their lives that day.

Avenge your fellows! Join up today! Pincer sharpeners provided!

 

The Crab Bay Defence Force – because Crabs matter

 

FF – Every Cloud

April 17, 2019 73 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

The (completely anonymous) character “Dail” makes a guest appearance!

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Copyright Dale Rogerson

 

Dail shivered and tucked herself deeper into her winter coat. A winter coat, in mid-summer!

The dust cloud, born of an unfortunate nuclear-related mishap, had seen the Earth freeze. At least Canadians are used to the cold, she thought. Many survivors were not so lucky.

Millions in Britain had frozen to death within minutes thanks to their “stiff upper lip, keep on keeping on” attitude, resulting in the general consensus that “it’s mid-summer so I’m wearing a t-shirt”.

Children, ever-resilient, built snowmen.

With survival a priority, the world forgot about Brexit. And golf-playing presidents.

So, every cloud, and all that…

 

FF – The Hungry Dead

April 10, 2019 66 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

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Copyright Roger Bultot

 

“Huh, it doesn’t look as scary as the photo in the advert.”

“That photo was digitally altered. This place looks rather pleasant. Dammit!”

“‘Haunted house’, indeed. Let’s go.”

Cecil Montague, dead these 300 years, watched from the tower, hunger blazing from his rotting eyes. After all these centuries, dinner approached… anticipation becoming despair as they left. So close – he could almost taste their flesh! He’d spent years learning how use a ‘computer’ to ‘Photoshop’ a ‘photograph’ to snare tasty ghosthunters. What a waste.

Time to change tack… now, where were those instructions on how to list a property on Airbnb…?