Home > Fiction > FF – Simple Food for Complicated People

FF – Simple Food for Complicated People

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo is from Roger Bultot.

When I saw this cafe scene I couldn’t get the last one out of my head (from Christmas) – “A Pie They Died For” – in which I murdered a whole bunch of people and ate them. That picture was by Roger as well. I wonder if this is the inside of the same cafe?

Well, I couldn’t do that again so I did something different. To read this week’s other stories, click on the blue froggy.

Copyright Roger Bultot

 

“Welcome to Just Burgers, how may I help you?”

“Hmm, I’d like cucumber with soft cheese on black bread with a side of avocado, please.”

“What is it about ‘Just Burgers’ you don’t understand?”

“Well, really!

“You know how in films there’s a bloke in the kitchen with a meat cleaver for difficult customers?”

“Yeees…”

“Well, we don’t have one of those. Or cucumbers. Only dead cows in buns. Get out. Next!”

“Hi, phew, some people, eh?”

“For sure. What can I get you?”

“I’d like goat’s cheese on rye with iceberg lettuce and a side of sashimi, please.”

“Aaargh!”

 

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  1. May 17, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    Hahaha! This reminds me of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld for some reason. Have you seen that episode? I know Seinfeld was never big in the UK.

    Liked by 2 people

    • May 18, 2017 at 7:15 am

      I’m aware of Seinfeld but never watched any, I’m afraid.

      Liked by 1 person

      • May 18, 2017 at 3:42 pm

        You’re missing out! 😉 In that episode, there’s a character called the Soup Nazi who runs a restaurant with the best soup in town. He has a very particular way of taking orders, and any customer who fails to follow the protocol (e.g. talks too much, makes special requests, puts his hand on the counter, etc.) is refused service. “No soup for you!”

        Like

      • May 19, 2017 at 6:47 am

        Sounds fun! Maybe I’ll seek out an episode or two 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • May 19, 2017 at 1:21 pm

        Yep, that’s one of the more well known episodes.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. May 17, 2017 at 8:16 pm

    “Yes, I’d like some tofu on a sesame seed bun. Hold the cow.” 🙂

    Like

  3. May 17, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    At my most crazed, I never heard of a side of sashimi with ANY sandwich. Oik.

    Like

    • May 18, 2017 at 7:16 am

      I don’t know anything about posh food. I was just pulling “posh food” words out of the air!

      Like

  4. May 17, 2017 at 9:45 pm

    I have a terrible feeling that the next customer will be on the menu with a side of chips! 😀

    Like

    • May 18, 2017 at 7:16 am

      It’s starting to look that way. He’s gonna crack soon 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • May 18, 2017 at 2:58 pm

        A meat cleaver was on the supply order this morning 😀

        Like

      • May 18, 2017 at 3:39 pm

        🙂

        Like

  5. May 17, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    Fun characterization! Nicely drawn.

    Like

    • May 18, 2017 at 7:16 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it 🙂

      Like

  6. May 17, 2017 at 10:24 pm

    A simple burger for me every time. My kind of place.

    Like

  7. Lyn
    May 17, 2017 at 11:22 pm

    Typical D-Man – never disappoints and never fails to give us a laugh…or scare us to death 😀
    I’ll have extra grilled onion on my burger please, with BBQ sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickles and a serve of fries. Oh, and can I have some sweet chilli sauce and sour cream on my fries – thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. May 17, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    Obviously “whatever it takes” isn’t the customer service policy here. 🙂 Good storytelling. Hope your MC doesn’t crack. 🙂

    Like

    • May 18, 2017 at 7:18 am

      The customer is always right. As long as they order a burger. Otherwise, the customer is always wrong 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • May 18, 2017 at 1:11 pm

        Some people have that as their life motto. You’re always right — as long as you agree with me. Otherwise… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • May 18, 2017 at 1:15 pm

        Heh, true 🙂

        Like

  9. May 18, 2017 at 2:04 am

    Thank you for the laugh!

    Like

  10. May 18, 2017 at 2:59 am

    Well.. can I get a burger, with all those toppings, hold the meat patty? 😉 Just kidding. I’ll have a burger, please.

    Like

  11. May 18, 2017 at 7:00 am

    Huge fun!

    Like

  12. May 18, 2017 at 7:10 am

    Clear characterization. And funny too.

    Like

  13. May 18, 2017 at 8:45 am

    Hah! Careful with that meat cleaver.

    Like

  14. May 18, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    They need to put up a sign “No Vegetarians Allowed!” Good writing, Ali. 🙂 — Suzanne

    Like

    • May 18, 2017 at 3:40 pm

      That should alleviate his problems a bit, anyway! I’m glad you liked it 🙂

      Like

  15. May 18, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    Just how JUST are your burgers? I mean, would they stand up to a bully for me?

    Like

  16. May 18, 2017 at 8:12 pm

    I’m convinced that there will be customer burger soon… get a meatcleaver.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. May 19, 2017 at 1:49 am

    Ha!!!! I have a feeling the server is gonna’ get a meat cleaver – very soon. “Only dead cows in buns.” is an incredibly funny line.

    Like

    • May 19, 2017 at 6:50 am

      Sooner or later he’s gonna flip (and I’m not talking flipping burgers). I’m glad you enjoyed my story, I liked that line too 🙂

      Like

  18. May 19, 2017 at 7:03 am

    MOL…just burgers, huh…MOL 😀 Pawkisses for a Happy Weekend 🙂 ❤

    Like

    • May 19, 2017 at 7:14 am

      I’m sure they do catnip and tuna too for special furry guests 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. May 19, 2017 at 11:00 am

    I’m reminded of the old Saturday Night Live skit with John Belushi. Their little cafe only served Chee-burgers, chips, and Pepsi. Great take on the prompt, Ali.

    Like

    • May 19, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      Sounds like my kinda place 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  20. May 19, 2017 at 12:08 pm

    Haha! Nice one, I had the reverse scenario in mind for mine, but went with my second thought.

    Like

  21. May 19, 2017 at 12:13 pm

    Dear Ali,

    Some people just don’t listen. Hilarious. I’m reminded of a Sesame Street sketch with Cookie Monster in the library where he asks the librarian for milk and cookies. Finally, after much back and forth, he asks her for a book about cookies…and a glass of milk.
    Love your take on the prompt. I can’t say if it’s the same diner or not. I’ll have to ask

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • May 19, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      Dear Rochelle,
      I’m glad you liked it! It seems my story has brought up memories for quite a few people of sketches and programmes where they’ve seen something similar. That Sesame Street sketch sounds funny 🙂
      Ali

      Like

  22. May 19, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    Should have gone to McD’s. Although on second thoughts…!

    Click to read my Friday Fiction

    Like

    • May 19, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      Heh, your second thoughts are well-founded 🙂

      Like

  23. May 19, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    Seems to me the proprietor could save himself a lot of grief by just skipping the ordering process altogether. You sit down at the counter, you get a dead cow in a bun.

    Like

    • May 21, 2017 at 5:46 am

      True. I guess he’s just there to weed out those who have entered his establishment in the hopes of eating something else.

      Like

  24. May 19, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Haha! So Seinfeld Soup Nazi! No soup for you!! :o)

    Like

    • May 21, 2017 at 5:48 am

      You’re the second person to mention Seinfeld and the Soup Nazi – I’ll really have to find that episode 🙂 (we had Seinfeld over here years ago but it was never big and I never saw it)

      Like

  25. May 19, 2017 at 7:26 pm

    LOL. Great dialogue. Love the line, ‘Only dead cows in buns.’ That poor server having to deal with such difficult customers.

    Like

    • May 21, 2017 at 5:49 am

      Yes, fancy ordering “off menu” like that. It’s such a simple menu too.
      Option 1) Dead cow in bun
      Option 2) Get out

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Life Lessons of a Dog Lover
    May 19, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    This was very creative and nicely written. Loved the dialogue.

    Like

  27. May 20, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Fun one! The annoying customer may get eaten yet. Love the dialogue!

    Like

    • May 21, 2017 at 5:51 am

      Yeah, the server’s getting into a state. I don’t fancy being customer number three that day o order something “posh” 🙂
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  28. May 20, 2017 at 3:15 pm

    Made me laugh right out loud 🙂

    Like

  29. May 21, 2017 at 5:38 am

    Dead cows in buns. Accurate, but I’d rather have cucumber.

    Like

  30. May 21, 2017 at 10:25 am

    Exactly what percentage of dead cow is in the bun? Unless it’s 100% beef, I’m going elsewhere!

    Like

    • May 21, 2017 at 4:38 pm

      This is the sort of establishment which prides itself on 100% beef. Or 100% cow product, anyway 🙂

      Like

  31. May 21, 2017 at 11:34 am

    Very funny, poor exasperated guy. Some people, indeed.

    Like

  32. May 22, 2017 at 10:29 am

    I hope he doesn’t get any more awkward customers – I think he’s about to crack! A very amusing story, Ali. 🙂

    Like

    • May 22, 2017 at 11:40 am

      I reckon one more and all sorts of mayhem will ensue 🙂

      Like

  33. May 22, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    What was that person doing going into ‘Just Burgers’ in the first place? Crackers! And I bet they don’t sell those either 🙂
    Nicely written, that serving guy in the edge

    Like

    • May 22, 2017 at 3:33 pm

      Oh, they definitely server burgers. The best in the world as they don’t have to concentrate on any other foods 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  34. May 22, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    Great dialogue! I’m kind of feeling sympathetic towards the man serving, except I don’t like the sound of his meat cleaver. He does seem to have a bit of a temper so I wouldn’t push my luck.😀

    Like

    • May 23, 2017 at 8:17 am

      I fear it’s approaching a “Falling Down”-type situation. He could crack at any second 🙂

      Like

  35. May 23, 2017 at 11:59 pm

    I agree with the Seinfeld comparison–hilarious! Gotta love the soup Nazi, or in this case, the hamburger Nazi 😆

    Like

  36. May 24, 2017 at 6:31 pm

    Haha! Great!

    Like

  37. May 29, 2017 at 3:43 am

    Can I get a hot dog and some fries tho

    Like

    • May 29, 2017 at 7:02 am

      No, though a hot dog’s much more in the “burger” direction 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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