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Evil Squirrel’s Competition – Grandpaw’s Story

February 26, 2017 53 comments

Here is my entry for Evil Squirrel’s Fourth Annual Competition of Whatever.

He has been running a series called “Shelf Critter Theatre” and has invited us to have a go! We just need to anthropomorphise at least two objects and make sure that at least one isn’t using a personality ascribed to it by the media (for example a “Mickey Mouse” toy would have a different personality to that usually ascribed to “him”).

I think that’s correct, rule-wise. So here goes. Warning – it’s a bit rude and gory 🙂

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Grandpup 1: Grandpaw, Grandpaw, tell us a story!

Grandpup 2: Yes, Grandpaw! Tell us about the time you got injured.

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Grandpaw: I guess you’re old enough now, kids. Gather round and listen up. It was back in the Furry wars and I was a soldier.

Grandpup 1: A soldier? Wow!

Grandpaw: Yes! I’d just received a transfer to a new unit and I was very proud, yes, proud to be F.U.C.T.

Grandpup 1: Um, what did he just say?

Grandpup 2: I think he said…

Grandpaw: Yes, the Furry Unified Combat Troop. Tell you what, kids, I was previously a member of the Allied Research, Science and Exploration division. Boy, was I glad to put that acronym behind me!

Grandpup 1: Um…

Grandpaw (lost in his memories): Yes, everyone else was very jealous of me. I was the youngest soldier ever to be F.U.C.T… will you two stop giggling? Do you want to hear this story or not?

Grandpup 1: Sorry, Grandpaw.

Grandpup 2: Sorry.

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Grandpaw: There were five of us chosen for the mission – myself, Sarge, Pengy, Tatty and Andy. We set out full of hope, single file to hide our numbers.

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Grandpaw: Soon we reached our first hurdle – a vast mountain to climb down.

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Grandpaw: This is where we lost a couple of team mates. Pengy was first, oh poor deluded Pengy…

(Pengy: I can fly down, I’m a bird!)

(Sarge: Pengy, no! Penguins can’t fly…)

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Pengy: Wheeeeeeeee! SPLAT

Grandpaw: The rest of us took our time. Sarge was a great help.

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Grandpaw: But Tatty took a tumble, landed on his head.

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Grandpaw: At last we reached the bottom, but then we saw them coming…

Grandpup 1: Who, Grandpaw, who?

Grandpup 2: Yes, tell us Grandpaw, tell us!

Grandpaw: The Empire, that’s who. Shock troops, distant at first but coming closer, ever closer…

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Grandpaw: … until soon we could see the whites of their bricks.

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Grandpaw: That’s when we lost Sarge… he sacrificed himself… threw himself on top of them…

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Grandpaw: (forgetting there were children present) …guts everywhere… blood… brains…

Grandpup 2: Urgh, I think I’m gonna… bleurghhhhhhh!

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Grandpaw: Er, um, don’t tell your Mum about this… there were just two of us left, myself and Andy, when in a totally freak occurrence The Doctor showed up and decided to show off his sonic screwdriver. A wave of intense sound slammed into Andy. Everything ruptured…

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Grandpaw: Realising his mistake, The Doctor swiftly left, leaving me alone.

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Grandpaw: I tried to stop him, to make him pay but I tripped over and scuffed myself. And that’s the story of my injury, this scar on my paw.

Grandpup 1: That was a great story, Grandpaw, but…

Grandpup 2: … we were actually wondering about your eye.

Grandpaw: Oh, that! I got that years earlier, in ‘Nam.

Grandpup 1: You were in Vietnam? You really are old! How did it happen? The Vietcong? The NVA?

Grandpaw: No, kids. I was there ten years ago on holiday, got really drunk, slipped in the shower and poked it out on the tap.

Grandpup 1: Oh.

Grandpup 2: I liked your first story better.

Grandpaw: Me too kids. Me too. Now, give your old Grandpaw a kiss and off to bed with you!

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The End

Categories: Fiction, Just Silly, Photos

5 Day Challenge – First Draft

July 4, 2015 18 comments

This is the final post of the Five Day Challenge, which Gill over at In Touch with Emma nominated me for. The rules are:

“Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph (and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge – I’m not doing that bit).”

This is very exciting – an early draft of the “rose by any other name” speech from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet has been discovered. As you can see, it’s very rough, and shows that even the great bard didn’t always get it right the first time.

Not Roses

No roses here (my front garden last week)

That which we call a rose
By any other name may not be a rose
As with ‘nother name
‘Tis reasonable to assume
May not be a rose at all
But some pretender flower
And may or may not smell as sweet
Depending ‘pon its genus. Forsooth.

A note in the margin shows the bard’s disgust at what he has just written:

Gadzooks! ‘Tis a paltry verse I hath writ. Needs work methinks, lest mine agent leteth me go, yea verily!

 

That’s it for the challenge! Normal service will now be resumed. And I don’t think you can libel someone who’s dead but just in case, this is all made up!

Categories: Just Silly Tags:

5 Day Challenge – DraliTips for Your Bathroom

July 1, 2015 22 comments

Here I am with Day 2 of the Five Day challenge. Gill at In Touch With Emma nominated me, and the rules are:

“Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph (and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge – I’m not doing that bit).”

I’m also posting this in response to Marilyn’s challenge over at Serendipity, which is weekly and is also to post a story, or some words, accompanying a photo.

Today, DraliTips is proud to present some help on cleaning your bathroom. I have managed to take a fairly neutral picture of my bathroom, and it has just been cleaned after all!

bathroom

 

 

  1. First, and most important, don’t leave it for months between cleans. It’s amazing how long it takes if you do that! Clean that sucker even when you don’t have your parents visiting.
  2. Once your shower curtain has achieved more than 50% mould cover, replace it. See my lovely new shower curtain? Nice.
  3. That hard-to-reach black mould above the shower? Leave it alone. You’ll only hurt yourself trying to reach it, and it’s perfectly harmless(a)!
  4. Before you start, be sure to don the appropriate protective gear. Gloves, goggles and an apron are a must. Some form of breathing apparatus is also recommended.
  5. Though it is tempting, do not use your toothbrush to clean the grouting between the tiles. It will make it taste funny! Use someone else’s instead.
  6. Above all, have fun! Remember, look after your bathroom and it will look after you.

(a) May not be perfectly harmless.

 

Categories: Just Silly Tags: ,

Merby’s Beatles Competition!

March 26, 2015 38 comments

Merbear over at Knocked Over by a Feather is having a competition! Thanks for the timely reminder about that today, Mer!

Merbear is a huge Beatles fan, and her challenge is to do a post based on one of several snippets of Beatles lyrics she has supplied. I have chosen this one, from “Across the Universe”. This song has now been stuck in my head all day!

Words are flowing out like
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

I thought I’d take you back in time, back to 1960s Liverpool to watch two of the Fab Four at work as they come up with these lyrics. Imagine Flower Power. Imagine free love, the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament and whacked out hippies. Let’s drop in on John and (not yet Sir) Paul and see what’s going on, shall we?

(Cue spooky music and swirly effect so we all know we’re going back in time…)

“I can’t think of a new song. The words keep slipping away from me, like all the way across the universe, man.”

“Hey, that’ll do for a title. ‘Across the Universe’. Profound. Take a toke on this and see if it helps.”

(Puff puff)

“So what do you see?”

“Wow. Colours. Lights. Rain falling into a paper cup.”

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“Cool!”

“Yeah! And there’s words too. Slithering around the place.”

“We can work with that. What else?”

“There’s sorrow and joy in pools and waves, man.”

“Good, good…”

“My mind’s all, like, open, and it’s caressing me and all sorts…”

“Yes, yes, very sensual, I like it.”

“And then it’s all like ‘goo goo g’joob’.”

“Always with the walrus. What’s the matter with you?”

“Sorry, man.”

(Cue swirly effect again…)

And thus, “Across the Universe” was born. Thank you for your time.

 

Woodland Games

February 26, 2015 46 comments

I bet you thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you, ES? Nope! Here is my entry to Evil Squirrel’s “Second Annual Contest of Whatever“. After losing last year, I have high hopes this year!

We need to include at least two different types of animal, and there must be some form of game involved – and what better than the Annual Worldwide Woodland Games?

I have been sure to label my creations, as the DraliDoodles team is not very good and it’s impossible to tell one type of creature from another!

Without further ado, let’s meet the teams.

Meet the Teams

Read more…

Categories: Just Silly Tags: ,

It’s Unicorn Appreciation Day!

January 11, 2015 34 comments

It’s January 11th, and we all know what that means, don’t we?

Yes, it’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (UAD)! We will be celebrating here with pictures, poems and fun facts. So, let’s begin with a picture of the magnificent beast.

Unicorn

The unicorn, in all its magnificence

Hmm, I don’t think the DraliDoodle team has quite captured its full majesty. Apparently they “don’t do horsies”. Never mind, let’s have the first of our poems. This one’s from the DraliDoodle team.

Tablet ready
Stylus in hand, sketching, colouring
pointy horn.

Well, that was an epic fail, both words and picture.

FUN FACT! After being hunted almost to extinction, unicorns numbers are increasing as they are a protected species. They are only hunted by the residents of a certain populous island, and only for “research purposes”.

JOKE! What do you call a unicorn without a horn? A horse! Ha ha ha.

Blogs are expensive to run and “draliman on life” is no exception, so please bear with us while we hear from our sponsor.

UniBurgersInc

 

Oh no. That wasn’t very appropriate, was it? I do apologise. But we need the money. Let’s move quickly on to the second of our poems, this time contributed by the DraliRomance team.

I dream
of your glossy coat, your liquid eyes, your huge
pointy horn.

The DraliRomance team has only ever had one outing on this blog and now we know why. Back in your box, DraliRomance team! Let’s try one from the DraliHorror team.

Rearing high in dark shadows
Hooves smashing, vicious ripping
pointy horn.

Yeah, that’s more like it!

FUN FACT! Did you know that a baby unicorn is correctly called a “babycorn”?

I wonder how people celebrate UAD? Here’s a picture of UAD celebrations in a typical English town. I bet everyone is having a fun time!

Unicorn Celebrations

It doesn’t really look like family fun. At least they are all wearing the traditional unicorn headpiece, even if one enterprising chap is using it as a weapon. Let’s hear from the DraliKids team.

Glossy, cuddly
Friend to kids and bunny wabbits, catching rainbows with
pointy horn.

See, that’s more like it. At least they’re getting in the mood.

FUN FACT! Unicorns can be safely approached in the wild, but beware if they have their babycorns with them. Don’t approach during the mating season, as no-one likes to be disturbed while they’re having the rumpy pumpy.

We’ll end our unicorn fun with a poem from the DraliOffice fire marshals.

Burning, hot tongues blazing
Flesh melting, all that’s left
pointy horn.

Yoinks! It appears that all the fire marshals are members of the DraliHorror team.

I hope you all enjoyed our look at that most magical of holidays, Unicorn Appreciation Day!

On the First Day of Christmas…

December 23, 2014 18 comments

On the first day of Crizz-muzz, my true love sent to meeeeeeee,

A bill for a pretty pe-nneeeeeee.

WaterBill

 

Well Merry f*cking Christmas to you too, Water Company.

😦

Have any of you got home all excited to see mail on your doorstep right before Christmas, only to have reality come crashing back in?

 

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