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Backwards Day! – COW 2023
Here is my entry for Evil Squirrel’s Contest Of Whatever 2023! The theme this year is (drum roll) “November 31st”!
I couldn’t bring any of my initial duff ideas to fruition so I fell back on writing a poem. Yes, a poem!
I know, right?
A warning to anyone who doesn’t read Evil Squirrel’s Nest (and if not, why not?) – this is very specific to the critters who infest the Nest. But you can always critique me on my dodgy rhyming and shitty scanning.
A poem for COW 2023
A quite tricky day, that none can remember,
Today is quite odd, 31st of November!
Here come the critters, but everything’s changed,
They’re all topsy-turvey, psyches rearranged.
First up is Mitzi, they say quite a bimbo,
But here she comes trotting, her hooves NOT akimbo!
Next up is Zeeba, but wait – is this real?
No blood can I see, she’s become quite gentile!
And here is the Pres, he’s arrogant, the Boss,
But look here today, he’s quite at a loss!
It’s just past 4:20 and now here comes Fuzzy,
He’s not stoned at all, his head clear, not muzzy!
And Snuggle and Big Scrat, they do love to hate,
But just for today they’ve become best of mates!
And finally Buster, a tear in his eye,
He’s made it right through, and hasn’t yet died!
I’ll leave you now reader, doubtless wanting more,
Because very soon all will be as before,
The critters will be back, but just as they were,
That is, until next we see 31 November.
Contest of Whatever 2021
Every year, Evil Squirrel hosts a contest, and this year, the theme is the letter “X”. So here goes…
Okay, that was a bit weak. For the avoidance of doubt, that’s a dog in the picture above. Marvel at my art skills!
Let’s have a story full of magic and horrible accidents! Accidents? Or something else…
“Wozzup?”
“I have cursed my nemesis, PG, with an X!”
“Don’t you mean a ‘hex’?”
“‘Hex’? Don’t be ridiculous! It’s X! Terrible things will befall him!”
“Well, it’s ‘hex’ so they won’t.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s ‘hex’, I tell you, PG will be perfectly safe.”
“Who’s the witch around here? I know what I’m talking about, dammit!”
“You know nothing. PG and I will laugh about this later down the pub.”
“There will be no ‘later down the pub’, I tell you. PG is X’ed and will not survive the afternoon!”
“Moron. I’m off. To meet PG.”
“We shall see, oh yes, we shall see bwahahahahaha!”
The Seventh Annual Content of Whatever
Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again. Time for Evil Squirrel’s Annual Contest of Whatever!
This year the talented folks at DraliDoodlesTM have got a little pen to draw on their Surface Pro, and unfortunately they’re not afraid to use it. So they’ve used it exclusively.
No complicated rules like “it has to include two possums, a priest, a dinosaur and the Titanic” this year. The theme is simply “Murphy’s Law” (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong).
Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019
It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…
I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…
Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦
The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.
There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.
I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.
I love big nuts.
This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.
That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.
She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.
I expose my organ.
She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard. I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.
I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.
She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.
She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.
She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.
Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.
Told you I was a big dick.
Flower of the Day
I thought I’d contribute to the very popular Flower of the Day. I do hope I haven’t misunderstood…
Isn’t it beautiful? Next week – self-raising!
Tolerance Wood – a COW story
Another year, another February and it’s time for the Contest of Whatever hosted by Evil Squirrel over at the Nest.
Ah, February. Not the best month, with audits and long work days. Nevertheless, I have popped something together! It’s not the best but I’m sure you will applaud my mastery of Photoshop.
This year we had to incorporate elements from three different pictures chosen by ES. Here is my entry, “Tolerance Wood”. In the true spirit of the Nest, it’s not family friendly 🙂
It was a quiet and peaceful day in Tolerance Wood, when suddenly…
“Dada, Dada!”
“What is it, dog I found wandering lost I’ve asked not to call me ‘dad’ but won’t listen?”
“I saw the most awful thing in the woods. A man and a… a pig in a bath tub. Knowing each other. In a carnal fashion.”
“Are you sure, dog?”
“Yes, Dada, yes! Well, if the expression on the man’s face was any judge. It is etched into my memory.”
“Well, dog. We live lives of understanding and acceptance here in Tolerance Wood and I’m sure that all is well. Let’s go and see if the brothers Nintendo know what is happening.”
And so, teddy bear and dog went to visit the brothers Nintendo. They soon found them bouncing up and down on mushrooms catching coins and power-ups and whatever else they do. I’ve not played the game myself.
“Brothers Nintendo! Dog has seen a most wondrous thing in the woods! A liaison twixt man and beast, and our tolerance and acceptance demands that we greet those involved and welcome them to our forest.”
And so off they all went, and soon found the pair together in their little house.
“Hello and welcome to Tolerance Wood! I am Teddy, this is dog and these are the brothers Nintendo. And a strange green thing.”
“Thank you! We are new here, and much in love, but have been hounded from place to place on account of our unconventional love. We thought that a wood called ‘Tolerance’ would be just perfect.”
“Here in Tolerance Wood, all are welcome. We are accepting of all, and love between man and pig is no exception… wait, what am I saying? This is an affront to nature! String them up!”
“String them up! Lynch mob! Lynch mob!”
And so, with the bodies of man and beast swinging merrily in the trees, everyone went home and had a nice cup of tea. Because evidently ‘Tolerance’ will only go so far.
Evil Squirrel’s Competition – Grandpaw’s Story
Here is my entry for Evil Squirrel’s Fourth Annual Competition of Whatever.
He has been running a series called “Shelf Critter Theatre” and has invited us to have a go! We just need to anthropomorphise at least two objects and make sure that at least one isn’t using a personality ascribed to it by the media (for example a “Mickey Mouse” toy would have a different personality to that usually ascribed to “him”).
I think that’s correct, rule-wise. So here goes. Warning – it’s a bit rude and gory 🙂
Grandpup 1: Grandpaw, Grandpaw, tell us a story!
Grandpup 2: Yes, Grandpaw! Tell us about the time you got injured.
Grandpaw: I guess you’re old enough now, kids. Gather round and listen up. It was back in the Furry wars and I was a soldier.
Grandpup 1: A soldier? Wow!
Grandpaw: Yes! I’d just received a transfer to a new unit and I was very proud, yes, proud to be F.U.C.T.
Grandpup 1: Um, what did he just say?
Grandpup 2: I think he said…
Grandpaw: Yes, the Furry Unified Combat Troop. Tell you what, kids, I was previously a member of the Allied Research, Science and Exploration division. Boy, was I glad to put that acronym behind me!
Grandpup 1: Um…
Grandpaw (lost in his memories): Yes, everyone else was very jealous of me. I was the youngest soldier ever to be F.U.C.T… will you two stop giggling? Do you want to hear this story or not?
Grandpup 1: Sorry, Grandpaw.
Grandpup 2: Sorry.
Grandpaw: There were five of us chosen for the mission – myself, Sarge, Pengy, Tatty and Andy. We set out full of hope, single file to hide our numbers.
Grandpaw: Soon we reached our first hurdle – a vast mountain to climb down.
Grandpaw: This is where we lost a couple of team mates. Pengy was first, oh poor deluded Pengy…
(Pengy: I can fly down, I’m a bird!)
(Sarge: Pengy, no! Penguins can’t fly…)
Pengy: Wheeeeeeeee! SPLAT
Grandpaw: The rest of us took our time. Sarge was a great help.
Grandpaw: But Tatty took a tumble, landed on his head.
Grandpaw: At last we reached the bottom, but then we saw them coming…
Grandpup 1: Who, Grandpaw, who?
Grandpup 2: Yes, tell us Grandpaw, tell us!
Grandpaw: The Empire, that’s who. Shock troops, distant at first but coming closer, ever closer…
Grandpaw: … until soon we could see the whites of their bricks.
Grandpaw: That’s when we lost Sarge… he sacrificed himself… threw himself on top of them…
Grandpaw: (forgetting there were children present) …guts everywhere… blood… brains…
Grandpup 2: Urgh, I think I’m gonna… bleurghhhhhhh!
Grandpaw: Er, um, don’t tell your Mum about this… there were just two of us left, myself and Andy, when in a totally freak occurrence The Doctor showed up and decided to show off his sonic screwdriver. A wave of intense sound slammed into Andy. Everything ruptured…
Grandpaw: Realising his mistake, The Doctor swiftly left, leaving me alone.
Grandpaw: I tried to stop him, to make him pay but I tripped over and scuffed myself. And that’s the story of my injury, this scar on my paw.
Grandpup 1: That was a great story, Grandpaw, but…
Grandpup 2: … we were actually wondering about your eye.
Grandpaw: Oh, that! I got that years earlier, in ‘Nam.
Grandpup 1: You were in Vietnam? You really are old! How did it happen? The Vietcong? The NVA?
Grandpaw: No, kids. I was there ten years ago on holiday, got really drunk, slipped in the shower and poked it out on the tap.
Grandpup 1: Oh.
Grandpup 2: I liked your first story better.
Grandpaw: Me too kids. Me too. Now, give your old Grandpaw a kiss and off to bed with you!
The End
5 Day Challenge – First Draft
This is the final post of the Five Day Challenge, which Gill over at In Touch with Emma nominated me for. The rules are:
“Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph (and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge – I’m not doing that bit).”
This is very exciting – an early draft of the “rose by any other name” speech from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet has been discovered. As you can see, it’s very rough, and shows that even the great bard didn’t always get it right the first time.
No roses here (my front garden last week)
That which we call a rose
By any other name may not be a rose
As with ‘nother name
‘Tis reasonable to assume
May not be a rose at all
But some pretender flower
And may or may not smell as sweet
Depending ‘pon its genus. Forsooth.
A note in the margin shows the bard’s disgust at what he has just written:
Gadzooks! ‘Tis a paltry verse I hath writ. Needs work methinks, lest mine agent leteth me go, yea verily!
That’s it for the challenge! Normal service will now be resumed. And I don’t think you can libel someone who’s dead but just in case, this is all made up!
5 Day Challenge – DraliTips for Your Bathroom
Here I am with Day 2 of the Five Day challenge. Gill at In Touch With Emma nominated me, and the rules are:
“Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph (and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge – I’m not doing that bit).”
I’m also posting this in response to Marilyn’s challenge over at Serendipity, which is weekly and is also to post a story, or some words, accompanying a photo.
Today, DraliTips is proud to present some help on cleaning your bathroom. I have managed to take a fairly neutral picture of my bathroom, and it has just been cleaned after all!
- First, and most important, don’t leave it for months between cleans. It’s amazing how long it takes if you do that! Clean that sucker even when you don’t have your parents visiting.
- Once your shower curtain has achieved more than 50% mould cover, replace it. See my lovely new shower curtain? Nice.
- That hard-to-reach black mould above the shower? Leave it alone. You’ll only hurt yourself trying to reach it, and it’s perfectly harmless(a)!
- Before you start, be sure to don the appropriate protective gear. Gloves, goggles and an apron are a must. Some form of breathing apparatus is also recommended.
- Though it is tempting, do not use your toothbrush to clean the grouting between the tiles. It will make it taste funny! Use someone else’s instead.
- Above all, have fun! Remember, look after your bathroom and it will look after you.
(a) May not be perfectly harmless.
Merby’s Beatles Competition!
Merbear over at Knocked Over by a Feather is having a competition! Thanks for the timely reminder about that today, Mer!
Merbear is a huge Beatles fan, and her challenge is to do a post based on one of several snippets of Beatles lyrics she has supplied. I have chosen this one, from “Across the Universe”. This song has now been stuck in my head all day!
Words are flowing out like
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
I thought I’d take you back in time, back to 1960s Liverpool to watch two of the Fab Four at work as they come up with these lyrics. Imagine Flower Power. Imagine free love, the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament and whacked out hippies. Let’s drop in on John and (not yet Sir) Paul and see what’s going on, shall we?
(Cue spooky music and swirly effect so we all know we’re going back in time…)
“I can’t think of a new song. The words keep slipping away from me, like all the way across the universe, man.”
“Hey, that’ll do for a title. ‘Across the Universe’. Profound. Take a toke on this and see if it helps.”
(Puff puff)
“So what do you see?”
“Wow. Colours. Lights. Rain falling into a paper cup.”
“Cool!”
“Yeah! And there’s words too. Slithering around the place.”
“We can work with that. What else?”
“There’s sorrow and joy in pools and waves, man.”
“Good, good…”
“My mind’s all, like, open, and it’s caressing me and all sorts…”
“Yes, yes, very sensual, I like it.”
“And then it’s all like ‘goo goo g’joob’.”
“Always with the walrus. What’s the matter with you?”
“Sorry, man.”
(Cue swirly effect again…)
And thus, “Across the Universe” was born. Thank you for your time.
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