draliman on life

There are many things I’d like to know.

Is there life out there in the big wide universe? Where did the energy come from to create the Big Bang? What ever happened to Cuddly Bear, my constant childhood companion?

Here are some more – maybe someone out there in Interweb Land can help me.

• Why is it that, no matter the size of the bag you’re carrying and how much is in it, the thing you want is the last thing you drag out of it? A small and potentially embarrassing pile of personal items forms as you delve into the entrance of what appears to be a gateway to another, infinitely large dimension, in which somewhere is the item you seek.

• At what stage in the process to produce instant coffee do they remove all the flavour, and how do they achieve this? And more to the point, why? You pay a huge amount of money and all you get is hot brown water.

• What’s the point of Thursdays? Thursday is a nothing day. Let’s break it down.
  • Monday: the weekend is over, we’re recharged, let’s get some work done!
  • Tuesday: doesn’t have a lot going for it, but at least it’s not Monday. The week has properly started.
  • Wednesday: we’re halfway through the week!
  • Thursday: we’re pretty worn out now. The weekend seems miles away. Tomorrow is still not the weekend, nor is it nearly the weekend. The promise of “halfway through the week” Wednesday seems so long ago.
  • Friday: it’s the weekend tomorrow! One last push and we’re there!
  • Saturday: party time!
  • Sunday: and… relax.

  Nope, Thursdays are no good to anyone, neither man nor beast.

• Why do I get really tired when I shouldn’t (at work, driving) but when I get home and try to sleep, I lie there for hours and nothing happens.

• How do they get away with these lying deodorant adverts where the bloke sprays it on and women come running for miles to throw themselves at him? I’ve been using the same brand for years. Nothing.

• What’s with these cosmetics adverts with all the mad science? Is the brand new anti-aging cream really so good because it contains the breakthrough “nourishplumpigeninox^TM” formula, or did someone make that up?

There’s no prize on offer, but if anyone can help me with these questions, you will have earned my heart-felt thanks. More precious than gold.