Author Archive

Sharing My World 27-01-2019

January 27, 2019 15 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What’s the closest thing you’ve experienced to real magic?
Ooh, ooh, that thing with the cups and there’s a ball under one of the cups and the sorcerer moves the cups around and you have to guess where the ball is and you do and you’re absolutely sure but you’re wrong it’s under one of the other cups and no matter how many times you try you’re always wrong.

Absolutely mind-blowing, that. Don’t even get me started on bending spoons.

Who is the messiest person you know? And why?
Far be it for me to mention the state some people leave the kitchen in at work, so I won’t. So possibly me. I’m quite messy until I get fed up with it and then I have a big clear up. Here my current coffee table state. It’s between clear-ups currently.

If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
Is there a point to this, you know, whole “life” thing? Am I accruing karma points to use in the hereafter? Like, if I get enough will I be able to buy a big mansion to live in?

That’s three questions. Pushing my luck a bit, there.

What benefits does art provide society? Does art hurt society in any way?
Well, it gives thieves something to steal. That’s of huge benefit to all the little old ladies they would otherwise be mugging.

What’s something positive you’d like to share? Can be a smile, a joke, or music… anything that gave you a lift this week!
It was my godson’s fifth birthday! I won’t share any photos as he’s not my child but he had a lovely time playing with his new toys.

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FF – Metaphor For Life

January 23, 2019 65 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Ted Strutz.

Copyright Ted Strutz


The car nestled against a tree, headlights smashed, bonnet standing agape, paint peeling, bodywork rusted. Abandoned. Forgotten.

Randall allowed himself a wry smile. A fitting metaphor for my life, he thought. Once hurtling carefree along roads of fortune, city job, gold-digger trophy wife… then cast out to rot and die.

He sat next to the shell, cursing his old alcohol-soaked bones. A curious deer wandered close, bolting as it sensed his eyes on it.

This isn’t so bad, I guess. Nature. Even “dearest” Sophia is here. Say hello to the car, Sophia.

Sophia’s skull grinned at him.

Randall grinned back.


Sharing My World 20-01-2019

January 20, 2019 24 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

You’re walking in a forest and you find a black suitcase. Inside it is one millions dollars and a piece of paper, stained in blood and bearing the single word “Don’t!” Would you take the suitcase home or leave it?
Ooh, this sounds nice and safe and in no way a bunch of money belonging to nefarious characters. I’ll definitely take it, and when I turn up at the bank and ask to change a million dollars into pounds they’ll be in no way suspicious. What could go wrong? 🙂

Imagine you lapsed and cheated on your partner. You feel horrible and you know you’ll never do it again, because the feeling is so awful. Would you confess?
I think this is one of those where I’d have to actually do it and then make the decision. It’s a tough one to answer without being in that situation. And no, I haven’t got a partner I’m about to practise this on to find out!

Would you live your life differently if nobody ever judged you for anything you did?
Probably not. I’d still be judging me and that’s the most important thing. I might try some new things I’ve been worried about looking silly doing, though!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? No? What would you call it?
Yes. No. I don’t know. What would I call it? Totally screwed.

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FF – Inner Voice

January 16, 2019 67 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Warning: there are a couple of slightly rude words in my story for comic effect.

Copyright Dale Rogerson


“Great, isn’t it?”

“Beautiful.” No.

“We’ll be the talk of the neighbourhood!”

“We certainly will be.” … a laughing stock.

“Just wait till everyone comes round later!”

“It’ll be simply marvellous!” I feel a headache coming on.

“So, are you happy?”

“Deliriously, my love.” Shoot me now.

“What do you think, Benny?”

“It’s crap, Dad. Why can’t we have a proper Christmas tree instead of bits of sticky tape… shit, did I say that out loud? I meant, it’s amazing, father!”

“Thank you, Benny. A little more practice on your inner voice, please.”

“Of course, Father.” Piss off.

“Much better.”


Sharing My World 13-01-2019

January 13, 2019 24 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Did you have to help out with chores when you were growing up? If so, what were you assigned to do?
You know what, I can’t actually remember. So if I did have chores I’m guessing it wasn’t anything particularly strenuous. Whatever it was or wasn’t, it has successfully prepped me for an adulthood of utter laziness.

Have you ever researched your family tree? What do you know about your family’s roots? 
I’ve not done any research but I know that Dad’s family’s from Cornwall going back forever and Mum’s family is from Scotland, though many generations back I think they originally came from Cornwall too.

What’s your cure for hiccups?
This question has made me realise that I haven’t actually had hiccups for a good long while. When I do, I try the standard “holding my breath”, and also a swig of vinegar. Though I may have made the vinegar thing up as I really like drinking vinegar, but it’s bad for your stomach so I need an excuse. Ooh, is that hiccups coming on…

What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Either figuratively or literally?
Mainly it’s the standard gripe – grammar and punctuation. Grrr. I don’t mind the occasional typo but sometimes you see the same mistake over and over again.

Oh yeah. And “Brexit”, obviously. Just get on with it, will you?

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FF – The Great Mafesto

January 9, 2019 67 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Priya Bajpal.

Copyright Priya Bajpal


The Great Mafesto growled. The sink was full of shells again and his favourite cocktail had transformed into an ornament. Those damn pixies, always causing trouble!

The Great Mafesto looked high and low and found the pixie hiding in a corner giggling. He clicked his fingers and the pixie shrieked, bursting into flames. No-one makes fun of the Great…

TOMMY! The toilet’s blocked! If you’ve been shoving shells down the sink again, young man, so help me I’ll…

The Great Mafesto made a hasty exit through the French windows, cleverly escaping the wrath of the Monumentous Magnificent Mother…


Sharing My World 06-01-2019

January 6, 2019 29 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

For the parents in the crowd: What would be the absolute worst name you might give your child? If you’re not a parent (I’m not), then what’s the worst name you could give your pet?
There are all sorts of awful names one could choose, so I’m going to pick the name Phoebe from Friends changed her name to in one episode – “Princess Consuela Banana Hammock”.

What mildly annoying curse might you wish you could curse annoying people with?
I think I’d pick a hilarious word and make them say that instead of quite a common word.

“Barman, I’d like a pint of your best picklespanks, please. No, I mean picklespanks. Picklespanks. Picklespanks. Dammit. Lime and lemonade.”

What’s the weirdest thing you did as a child?
I don’t remember doing anything “weird”, as such. I once had a little accident where I was swinging a golf club in the front garden. I let it go and it flew majestically through the air and smashed through the neighbour’s upstairs window. Heh heh.

Do you believe things happen for a reason or are random?
I believe things just happen. But believing “things happen for a reason” can help when something awful happens.

And finally, in the spirit of New Year’s: What’s a resolution (if you make them, I don’t) you’re making for the New Year? How confident are you in keeping it a reasonable amount of time?
I don’t make resolutions. I’m (a) too lazy to have to actually do whatever it is and (b) I don’t want to feel guilty about not doing it.

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