draliman on life

L’appel du vide is French and translates to “Call of the Void”.  It is the unexplainable urge to jump when standing on the edge of a cliff, or tall height.  It can be considered a form of self-destructive ideation, or a protective instinct to let the brain play out what the body should not.  It’s definition has been expanded to describe responding mentally to the call of the siren song– whether that means the desire to reach into a fire, drive into a wall, or walk into the eye of the storm.

He struggles to remember the early days, the good times. The times when drinking was fun, sociable, relaxing. The days when he and his friends met at the bar after work for a few drinks, to laugh and joke and relieve the stress of the day.

He can’t quite remember those days.

All he has now are memories of darkness. Hazy, muddled memories of fights with his friends. Vague recollections of arguments with his wife. The knowledge that he’d swapped his beautiful house and family for a tiny, grotty bedsit. A dank, dark little room to match his mood.

He remembers two days when he hadn’t drunk, when he’d tried to stay off the booze so he could see his kids. Two horrific days of misery until the siren’s song of alcohol drew him inexorably back.

His memory vaguely recalls a time when he had friends, friends he could rely on, but now his friends could no longer rely on him and they’d done their best but now they were gone. He’d pushed them away because they didn’t understand, couldn’t understand what he was going through. Those days feel like a dream, a different life.

Darkness, emptiness, helplessness, shame. Home, wife, kids, friends, job, self respect all gone.

And now his mind drags itself back to the present, as he stands on the cliff. He can’t go on like this, it has to end. He stands on the edge of the cliff, his mind remarkably clear, and stares out into the void.