Archive
Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019
It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…
I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…
Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦
The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.
There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.
I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.
I love big nuts.
This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.
That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.
She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.
I expose my organ.
She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard. I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.
I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.
She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.
She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.
She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.
Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.
Told you I was a big dick.
Buster Must Die!
This is my contribution for Evil Squirrel’s Third Annual Contest of Whatever.
Despite the fact that I can’t draw, I’ve entered a story in pictures! The only rule this year is that we must include Buster, and Buster Must Die! You can’t tell from my pictures, but Buster is a possum, who dies on a regular basis so this is nothing new for the poor chap. In fact, having to keep him alive would have been a bigger challenge.
If you’d like to see what Buster really looks like by someone who can draw, click here.
Sharing My World 2015 Week 46
Here is my post for Cee’s Share Your World. Week 46! Christmas is coming. Bah humbug :-).
This week with added DraliDoodlesTM!
What type of popular candy you do not like to get?
I don’t know exactly what the word “candy” encompasses, my Americanese not being what it could be, but I’m going to assume it covers chocolate bars. Therefore I don’t like to get Marathon bars. Which changed their name to “Snickers” in 1990. Who knew? 🙂 Basically because I don’t like peanuts.
What do you feel is the most enjoyable way to spend $500?
One second while I convert that… beep… beep… beep… just over £330. That sounds about the right amount for an Xbox One, so I can also play all the games which are exclusive to that console.
I know people who have both a PS4 and an Xbox One for that very reason. It’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t do it, but if someone’s just bunging the money at me, then why not?
Where do you eat breakfast?
Nowhere. Real men don’t eat breakfast. Real men starve until lunchtime and occasionally faint from lack of food around mid-morning.
To be fair, for one reason or another I didn’t eat a thing for 24 hours on Thursday/Friday and felt no ill effects (and very little hunger). So breakfast can stuff it.
Would you rather ride one of the world’s longest zip lines or bungee jump one of the highest in the world?
This will come with a 5-day all expense vacation.
Ooh, a 5 day holiday (yes, while I don’t know the exact meaning of “candy”, I can translate “vacation”). I have explored both possibilities.
It doesn’t look like this will end well. I’ll go for zip line. I think there’s less chance of someone stuffing that up.
3 Quotes Day 1
I have been challenged by The Storyteller’s Abode, A Smith’s World and Story Teller to post three quotes in three days! I’m also supposed to nominate three people each day, but I think everybody has already done it, and I’m never comfortable nominating people for things, so I won’t 🙂
Here is my first quote. It’s an old classic, spoken by one of the greatest philosophers of “a long time ago”, Master Yoda.
Merby’s Beatles Competition!
Merbear over at Knocked Over by a Feather is having a competition! Thanks for the timely reminder about that today, Mer!
Merbear is a huge Beatles fan, and her challenge is to do a post based on one of several snippets of Beatles lyrics she has supplied. I have chosen this one, from “Across the Universe”. This song has now been stuck in my head all day!
Words are flowing out like
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
I thought I’d take you back in time, back to 1960s Liverpool to watch two of the Fab Four at work as they come up with these lyrics. Imagine Flower Power. Imagine free love, the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament and whacked out hippies. Let’s drop in on John and (not yet Sir) Paul and see what’s going on, shall we?
(Cue spooky music and swirly effect so we all know we’re going back in time…)
“I can’t think of a new song. The words keep slipping away from me, like all the way across the universe, man.”
“Hey, that’ll do for a title. ‘Across the Universe’. Profound. Take a toke on this and see if it helps.”
(Puff puff)
“So what do you see?”
“Wow. Colours. Lights. Rain falling into a paper cup.”
“Cool!”
“Yeah! And there’s words too. Slithering around the place.”
“We can work with that. What else?”
“There’s sorrow and joy in pools and waves, man.”
“Good, good…”
“My mind’s all, like, open, and it’s caressing me and all sorts…”
“Yes, yes, very sensual, I like it.”
“And then it’s all like ‘goo goo g’joob’.”
“Always with the walrus. What’s the matter with you?”
“Sorry, man.”
(Cue swirly effect again…)
And thus, “Across the Universe” was born. Thank you for your time.
Woodland Games
I bet you thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you, ES? Nope! Here is my entry to Evil Squirrel’s “Second Annual Contest of Whatever“. After losing last year, I have high hopes this year!
We need to include at least two different types of animal, and there must be some form of game involved – and what better than the Annual Worldwide Woodland Games?
I have been sure to label my creations, as the DraliDoodles team is not very good and it’s impossible to tell one type of creature from another!
Without further ado, let’s meet the teams.
It’s Unicorn Appreciation Day!
It’s January 11th, and we all know what that means, don’t we?
Yes, it’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (UAD)! We will be celebrating here with pictures, poems and fun facts. So, let’s begin with a picture of the magnificent beast.
The unicorn, in all its magnificence
Hmm, I don’t think the DraliDoodle team has quite captured its full majesty. Apparently they “don’t do horsies”. Never mind, let’s have the first of our poems. This one’s from the DraliDoodle team.
Tablet ready
Stylus in hand, sketching, colouring
pointy horn.
Well, that was an epic fail, both words and picture.
FUN FACT! After being hunted almost to extinction, unicorns numbers are increasing as they are a protected species. They are only hunted by the residents of a certain populous island, and only for “research purposes”.
JOKE! What do you call a unicorn without a horn? A horse! Ha ha ha.
Blogs are expensive to run and “draliman on life” is no exception, so please bear with us while we hear from our sponsor.
Oh no. That wasn’t very appropriate, was it? I do apologise. But we need the money. Let’s move quickly on to the second of our poems, this time contributed by the DraliRomance team.
I dream
of your glossy coat, your liquid eyes, your huge
pointy horn.
The DraliRomance team has only ever had one outing on this blog and now we know why. Back in your box, DraliRomance team! Let’s try one from the DraliHorror team.
Rearing high in dark shadows
Hooves smashing, vicious ripping
pointy horn.
Yeah, that’s more like it!
FUN FACT! Did you know that a baby unicorn is correctly called a “babycorn”?
I wonder how people celebrate UAD? Here’s a picture of UAD celebrations in a typical English town. I bet everyone is having a fun time!
It doesn’t really look like family fun. At least they are all wearing the traditional unicorn headpiece, even if one enterprising chap is using it as a weapon. Let’s hear from the DraliKids team.
Glossy, cuddly
Friend to kids and bunny wabbits, catching rainbows with
pointy horn.
See, that’s more like it. At least they’re getting in the mood.
FUN FACT! Unicorns can be safely approached in the wild, but beware if they have their babycorns with them. Don’t approach during the mating season, as no-one likes to be disturbed while they’re having the rumpy pumpy.
We’ll end our unicorn fun with a poem from the DraliOffice fire marshals.
Burning, hot tongues blazing
Flesh melting, all that’s left
pointy horn.
Yoinks! It appears that all the fire marshals are members of the DraliHorror team.
I hope you all enjoyed our look at that most magical of holidays, Unicorn Appreciation Day!
Drimericks – Swordplay
I bet you thought I’d forgotten all about “Drimericks” (Drali Limericks), didn’t you?
You were right!
But then I remembered, so here’s another one, along with an accompanying DraliDoodleTM, lovingly crafted by our talented and professional team :-).
There once was a fencer named Gary
Who was quick with the thrust and the parry
But one day on the street
He fell over his feet
And skewered a postman named Barry.
If you missed them, don’t forget to check out my previous Drimericks, “Angels” and “Man in a Tank“.
Drimericks – Man in a Tank
It’s time for another Drali Limerick (Drimerick)! Here’s one about a rather foolish tank owner. As always, it is accompanied by a DraliDoodleTM, professionally drawn by the DraliDoodleTM team.
There once was a soldier named Frank
Who wished to sail off in his tank
The beach was quite sandy
Which turned out quite handy
But on reaching the water he sank.
Drimericks – Angels
Welcome to my new series – Drali Limericks, or Drimericks! I know it will be a series because I’ve written more than one so far. I’ve rather optimistically categorised this as “Poems” 🙂 . Each one will be accompanied by a beautifully crafted and professionally drawn DraliDoodleTM.
There once was a fellow named Derby
Who went on the rob on his Harley
But he never envisioned
He’d be caught and imprisoned
By Angels and some dude named Charlie.
Click for a random post!
Woohoo!
I totally didn't win!
Share Your World
Friday Fictioneers
draliman on life 