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All Screwed Up

It’s time for Adam Ickes’ Storybook Corner! Impressively, I’m not waiting until the counter says “Submissions close in 5 minutes” to submit my entry this month. Here’s the cool badge.

ogre-castle

The aim is to write 300-500 words. I’ve gone a bit over 😦 . It’s also a bit of a nutty story as I was feeling in a whimsical mood.

To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.

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The two boys ambled up the street. Davey, at thirteen, was the older of the pair, so he got to carry the air rifle. Bobby, at twelve, could only watch jealously while his friend aimed it here and there, pretending to shoot invisible enemies.

“When we gonna shoot something, Davey?” he asked.

“When we see something worth shooting,” answered his friend. “How about that stop sign?”

“That thing’s never gonna make a dent in that,” muttered Bobby. He turned away to walk back down the street.

“You’re probably right,” said Davey, taking aim at his friend’s retreating behind. “I bet I can bounce a few off your butt, though!”

Davey squeezed the trigger, eliciting a surprised yelp from Bobby, which soon changed to a groan of pain.

“You shot me in the ass! You shot me in the ass!”

Davey stared, horrified, at the growing stain on his friend’s behind.

“I… I… I thought it would just bounce off!” he quavered.

“I can’t believe you shot me in the ass!” moaned Bobby, bouncing around and holding his bum. “Call an ambulance!”

“Let’s not be hasty,” said Davey. “I’m sure it’s not serious.” Davey could see a nasty scolding in his future. He probably wouldn’t be allowed out of his room until he went to university. He explained this to Bobby.

“Your room? YOUR ROOM! I’m gonna tell, and you’re going to jail! You’re gonna be somebody’s bitch!”

As it happened a hiker had seen the whole incident, and seconds later a police van screeched to a stop, disgorging a host of rather scary-looking officers waving automatic weapons.

“Armed police! Drop the gun! On the ground, now!”

Davey dropped the gun and fell to the ground, shaking. Bobby continued to bounce around, holding his wound.

“He shot me in the ass! He shot me in the ass!”

“Calm down, son,” said the officer in charge. “It doesn’t look too bad.” He looked up. “Wait a second. Have you boys been shooting at the stop sign? Look at those dents!”

“No sir, it wasn’t us,” moaned Davey miserably.

“Armed police, shut up, stay on the ground!” came the reply.

“This is very serious, lads. Those signs are expensive. They belong to The Council. Your parents pay for those signs. We pay for those signs. Taxes.”

Several of the officers, thinking of their wallets, nodded in agreement and gripped their guns more tightly.

“But he shot me in the ass!” screamed Bobby.

“Shut up about your ass, son!” yelled the officer in charge. “Your ass will heal! That sign will need to be replaced. That’ll cost!”

They handcuffed Davey and bundled him into the back of the van, citing “one road sign, public property, destruction of”. The van roared off.

“But what about my ass?” mumbled Bobby, tears trickling down his cheeks, blood trickling down his other cheeks.

All alone, and feeling pretty sorry for himself, he made his painful way home.


 

“Officer-in-charge” was commended for his valour and is currently serving as head of the prestigious “Street-Sign Crime” unit out of Scotland Yard.

Bobby developed an ass infection and had to have one ass cheek amputated. He’s currently living in Droitwich with his old mum.

Davey was sent down for twenty to life. He became somebody’s bitch.

Categories: Fiction Tags: ,
  1. NotAPunkRocker
    May 11, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    I would say I LMAO, but that doesn’t seem right, given the story.

    Thanks for the laugh today 😀

    Like

    • May 11, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      Ha ha, no, not right at all 🙂
      You’re very welcome, I’m glad I made you smile.

      Like

  2. May 11, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Bahahaha!!! thanx for the laugh friend!

    Like

    • May 11, 2014 at 6:56 pm

      You’re welcome! A little comedy for Sunday.

      Like

  3. May 11, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    Haha! 😉

    Like

    • May 11, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      🙂 A little change from the usual “dark”.

      Like

  4. May 11, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Haha, poor little gits. Sounds unfortunately typical of British justice lol 🙂

    Like

    • May 11, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      Yep. Years for trivialities. Slap on the wrist for terrorising people.

      Like

  5. May 11, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    you are hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh today 🙂 You are very wicked!!

    Like

    • May 11, 2014 at 6:59 pm

      I’m glad it made you laugh 🙂
      I thought I’d do some comedy for a change.

      Like

      • May 11, 2014 at 7:07 pm

        You are always funny. Did I say that right?

        Like

      • May 11, 2014 at 7:11 pm

        Sometimes funny in a dark way, though 🙂

        Like

  6. May 12, 2014 at 12:01 am

    I see it as a series. You could follow each character separately. Instead of “Law and Order,” it could be “Law and Punishment.” Hilarious 🙂

    Like

    • May 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

      That sounds like a good idea. Maybe it will be picked up by the networks 🙂

      Like

  7. May 12, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Al, Hilarious story. XD I couldn’t have seen where that was going if I’d had binoculars. Are you afraid that the British criminal justice system will arrest you for extreme humor at their expense? XD Well written. 🙂

    Susan

    Like

    • May 12, 2014 at 11:39 am

      Ooh, I hope not 🙂 Maybe they’re bugging me right now.
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  8. May 12, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Haha! That was great. What a perfect line to end on.

    Like

  9. May 12, 2014 at 11:30 am

    HaHa!! There are two messages here.
    1. Don’t play with guns.
    2. Don’t point guns.

    Like

    • May 12, 2014 at 11:40 am

      I’m definitely with you on those messages.

      Like

  10. May 12, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    This is totally brilliant! You have outdone yourself! Road signs are always more important than an assectomy…

    Like

    • May 13, 2014 at 6:47 am

      Ha ha, “assectomy”, love it 🙂
      It’s surprising how much road signs cost.

      Like

  11. May 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Poor darlings. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.
    Great job.

    Like

  12. May 21, 2014 at 10:41 am

    “Blood trickling down his other cheeks” – that is both ridiculous AND creepy. Very black humour!

    Like

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