Home > Fiction > FF – A Bit of a Cock-Up

FF – A Bit of a Cock-Up

Here is my little story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was also contributed by Rochelle.

I hope you enjoy it, it has sound effects πŸ™‚

To read this week’s other story, click on the blue froggy.

 

Broom broom screeeeeeeeech!

β€œPlanned to perfection. The ultimate heist. Entry codes obtained. Guards neutralised. Doors opened. Vaults cracked. A fortune in our hands. A fortune! And then you drive the getaway car along a road it won’t fit down! I can’t even open the doors. We’re stuck. I can hear the police closing in!”

Wee-wah wee-wah.

β€œRelax, dude. I’ve tricked this car out. Ejector seats. Hang on to your hat!”

Click.

β€œFive…”

β€œIs this a good time…”

β€œFour…”

β€œβ€¦ to mention…”

β€œThree…”

β€œβ€¦ that this car…”

β€œTwo…”

β€œβ€¦ still has…”

β€œOne…”

β€œβ€¦ its roof on?”

Whoomp! Splatter.

 

  1. June 28, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Nice ending.

    Like

    • June 28, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      Thanks! Not for them, though πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. June 28, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Hehehe…the ultimate heist with the ultimate glitch!

    Like

  3. June 28, 2017 at 4:00 pm

    ha-ha-ha! Another entry for the stupid criminals file! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

  4. June 28, 2017 at 4:14 pm

    Uh, oh. Those were great sound effects, Ali. We can always count on something different in your stories. Good writing and sounds. πŸ™‚ — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:19 pm

      Pretty cool effects, huh? I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  5. June 28, 2017 at 5:32 pm

    Absolutely brilliant! Loved every word. I even had one of those lol moments.

    Please click to read my FriFic

    Liked by 1 person

  6. June 28, 2017 at 5:42 pm

    Well, well done! An apt illustration of how crime doesn’t pay. πŸ™‚

    By the way, these guys have a cousin who climbed in through a ventilator shaft to steal drugs from a pharmacy one Friday night — and got stuck in a narrow part of the shaft all weekend. Police officers helped set him free. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:10 pm

      I love reading stories about stuff like that, especially when there are pictures. There was another where a bank robber put his hands on the counter and the teller hit the button for the security screen and it shot down and chopped his fingers off. Hilarious πŸ™‚

      Like

      • June 29, 2017 at 3:23 pm

        Since you like these “Oops” moments:
        It happened in Regina that some teens were snitching vehicles and going for joyrides. One night they hot-wired a van, got in and took off — soon to learn this van was part of a stake-out and there were two police officers hiding in the back.

        Like

      • June 29, 2017 at 6:04 pm

        Ha, I bet everybody got a surprise!

        Like

  7. Adam Ickes
    June 28, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    Ouch! That’s got to hurt. Love the dark humor in this one.

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:11 pm

      I’m imagining an American sports commentator – “that’s gotta hurt, Bob!”
      I’m glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. June 28, 2017 at 5:50 pm

    OOOOF! πŸ˜€

    Like

  9. June 28, 2017 at 6:19 pm

    Oh that was great!! I laughed out loud!! Well done!!!!! πŸ˜€

    Like

  10. June 28, 2017 at 6:33 pm

    Well you definitely got a guffaw out of me!!

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:13 pm

      All these people, laughing at the horrible death of these two muppets πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  11. June 28, 2017 at 8:18 pm

    A classic comedy scene. Thanks for the good laugh πŸ™‚

    Like

  12. June 28, 2017 at 10:11 pm

    I started laughing at “I can’t even open the doors” This was a hoot, Ali. Thanks for the laugh.

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      And it went down hill from there πŸ™‚ I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  13. June 28, 2017 at 11:52 pm

    What a riot! made me laugh out loud πŸ™‚

    Like

  14. Lyn
    June 29, 2017 at 12:10 am

    Absolutely loved this πŸ˜€ Brilliant sound effects!

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:16 pm

      Thanks! I’m particularly glad you enjoyed the sound effects πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  15. June 29, 2017 at 12:14 am

    Uh oh! Bam! Ouch!

    Like

  16. June 29, 2017 at 12:18 am

    I once got stuck in a road like that in Jerusalem. My transmission cable snapped and I couldn’t back the car out … and I couldn’t turn either. Took a few people to get it moved. But, of course, I didn’t have ejector seats. And I too had a roof.

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:16 pm

      Ejector seats are more trouble than they’re worth.

      Like

  17. June 29, 2017 at 2:34 am

    crime doesn’t pay, does it? πŸ™‚

    Like

  18. June 29, 2017 at 2:57 am

    Excellent lesson about the dangers of engaging in risky activity with an idiot!

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      Sadly not a lesson our protagonist can learn from πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 29, 2017 at 12:49 pm

        My guess is that he’s had opportunities before to learn what a poor planner his friend is, and failed to learn from those, leading to this, the inevitable conclusion. But the rest of us can take it as a cautionary tale, like all of those “Darwin award” stories that start with some idiot saying, “Hey, watch me do this!”

        Like

      • June 29, 2017 at 1:04 pm

        He probably thought his friend had “calmed down a bit” since the last calamity…

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 29, 2017 at 5:00 pm

        Famous last assumption…

        Liked by 1 person

  19. June 29, 2017 at 5:18 am

    I was expecting them to be thrown into the underside of that nice, soft archway above them… which they may still have been given the crappy materials they make cars out of these days. This one will make the highlight film at the next policeman’s holiday party….

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 12:18 pm

      That would have been even funnier πŸ™‚
      I’d love to see the police party gag reel…

      Like

  20. June 29, 2017 at 6:41 am

    Superb fun read.
    Loved it

    Click Here to see what Mrs. Dash Says

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 1:07 pm

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚

      Like

  21. June 29, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA! Ali, you gave me the first and probably best laugh of the day here in the good ol’ USA. Brilliantly written. πŸ˜€

    Five out of five Aston Martin convertibles.

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed it!
      If they’d actually been driving a convertible, this whole sorry mess could have been avoided πŸ™‚

      Like

      • June 29, 2017 at 3:42 pm

        They probably would have been road pizza a mile away.

        Like

      • June 29, 2017 at 6:05 pm

        Ha, “road pizza” πŸ™‚

        Like

  22. June 29, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    Dear Ali,

    A bit of a cock-up indeed. Hilarious. I laughed out loud. Now all you need are Hugh and Laurie to play the parts. Tim Conway and Don Knotts would’ve been great in the roles, too.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      Dear Rochelle,
      I bet there are lots of double acts who could pull this one off πŸ™‚ I’m glad you enjoyed it!
      Ali

      Like

  23. June 29, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    LOL! They should have taken up purse snatchings! That was a lot of fun. :o)

    Like

    • June 29, 2017 at 6:05 pm

      I bet they’d still have found a way to screw it up. Maybe not so permanently, though πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 29, 2017 at 6:30 pm

        It might be a lot of fun if your guys met my guys. Imagine the colossal cock-ups. :o)

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Life Lessons of a Dog Lover
    June 29, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    This was so much fun to read. You built up some nice tension – then splat.

    Like

    • June 30, 2017 at 6:11 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it πŸ™‚

      Like

  25. June 29, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    Hilarious. some people just don’t know who to plan a head.

    Like

  26. June 30, 2017 at 1:50 am

    “Stupid Criminal” was a segment on the old Jay Leno Tonight Show. Your story is the BEST !!

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 30, 2017 at 6:17 am

      I’ve never seen that programme (wrong country!) but it sounds like a fun segment. I’m glad you enjoyed my story!

      Like

  27. June 30, 2017 at 4:26 am

    Drailman – I’m still laughing at your ingenious story! ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! You’re really funny! Nan

    Like

    • June 30, 2017 at 6:21 am

      I’m glad you enjoyed it! It’s nice to know I make people laugh πŸ™‚

      Like

  28. June 30, 2017 at 12:44 pm

    Insane cackling laughter here! Loved that, as the Shadow used to say “Crime does not pay… hahahahahaaaaaaaa!”

    Like

    • June 30, 2017 at 5:10 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed it! Crime most certainly does not pay πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  29. June 30, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    “Splat!” Yuk,

    Like

  30. June 30, 2017 at 11:49 pm

    Very funny. Loved it!

    Like

  31. July 1, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    Oh dear another one who just didn’t know how to plan. Very funny

    Like

    • July 1, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      It’s not just the job, it’s the getaway that also needs to be planned out. I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  32. July 1, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    Very funny take on the prompt.

    Like

  33. July 1, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Can I just say, ‘Ouch’? Clever take on the prompt. The narrow streets being the hero.

    Cheers, Varad.

    http://www.BlackKatsDesign.blogspot.comhttps://looseendoftheredthread.wordpress.com/2017/06/30/friday-fictioneers-cravings/

    Like

    • July 2, 2017 at 6:09 am

      Ha, I hadn’t thought of the streets being the hero in this case but they certainly stopped their crime! I’m glad you liked it.

      Like

  34. July 2, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    Oops! πŸ˜€

    Like

  35. July 4, 2017 at 9:16 am

    I almost thought they were gonna pull it off! lol

    Like

  36. July 5, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    MOL…😹😹 Pawkisses😊❀

    Like

  37. July 5, 2017 at 7:38 pm

    Loved this! Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

  38. July 6, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    Not exactly the ultimate heist, then! Cleverly written dialogue and a pair of well-crafted, not-so-clever characters. A good splat should sort them out. πŸ˜€

    Like

    • July 7, 2017 at 6:54 am

      It’s easy to forget about the getaway when you’re having such fun planning the job itself. I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  39. July 8, 2017 at 7:32 pm

    Great sound effects! Hilarious ending. 😁

    Like

    • July 9, 2017 at 5:14 am

      I should have been a sound guy πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 9, 2017 at 4:07 pm

        Yeah! I visited Paramount studios recently, and heard about how they came up with sound effects before computer-generated ones. Crunching cellophane paper for fire – nice and simple!

        Like

      • July 9, 2017 at 4:15 pm

        I’ve seen something like that. It’s amazing what they did to get such cool effects!

        Liked by 1 person

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