Home > Fiction > FF – Miracle Face

FF – Miracle Face

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Kelvin M. Knight.

A sombre and thoughtful piece this week. Only joking! It’s craziness πŸ™‚

I have included a short glossary so you can understand what Mr Nutman is saying.

  • Oi = I
  • sarnie = sandwich
  • Mouf = mouth
  • peepholes = eyes
  • monkey = Β£500
  • fought = thought

Copyright Kelvin M. Knight

 

β€œMiracle” face appears in slice of bread!

 

Chiswick resident Bingo Nutman, 67, discovered the staggering phenomenon after opening his lunchbox. Nutman explains:

β€œOi came β€˜cross this β€˜ere mir’cle face in me sarnie. Mouf, peepholes, ev’ryfink. There’ll be a monkey in this fer me if oi sells it to the tabloids, oi fought.”

Unfortunately for Nutman, it later transpired that his wife Imelda, 71, had been cutting heart shapes in his lunchtime treats because she β€œthought it would be romantic”.

Nutman, denied his payout, is understood to be seeking divorce, citing β€œirreconcilable differences” and β€œtheft of bread with intent to starve”.

 

  1. September 13, 2017 at 7:19 pm

    A man must earn a crust somehow. I always thought there was plenty of dough in bread!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. September 13, 2017 at 7:31 pm

    When a romantic gesture goes wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. September 13, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    This is adorable…um, also twisted and funny!!!

    Like

  4. September 13, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    When love goes wrong, huh lol

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 6:57 am

      That should be a Channel 4 reality show πŸ™‚

      Like

  5. September 13, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    Another hilarious one by Ali! 😁
    The man’s poor wife has … or rather … makes a good heart. πŸ˜‰

    Like

  6. September 13, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    I do suspect a lot of these sort of ‘sightings’ to be the fake works of the Nutman!

    Like

  7. September 13, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    I’ve heard of some silly reasons for divorce but this one takes the…um…loaf. :0

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 14, 2017 at 6:59 am

      Ha! It’s amazing what you can give as grounds for divorce these days…

      Like

  8. September 13, 2017 at 9:38 pm

    Hilarious πŸ™‚ Thanks for the laugh.

    Like

  9. September 13, 2017 at 9:40 pm

    Ha-ha-ha! Imelda’s heart was in the right place.! πŸ™‚ Another really funny story! πŸ˜€

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 6:59 am

      It was. In the bread πŸ™‚ I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. September 13, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    I’m surprised Imelda stayed with Nutman unless, of course, theirs was a new relationship.
    Thanks for the laugh! πŸ™‚

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 7:01 am

      It must be, he doesn’t seem the type to be able to manage long relationships πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 14, 2017 at 6:14 pm

        Keep ’em coming. We can all use laughs! πŸ™‚

        Like

      • September 15, 2017 at 7:09 am

        πŸ™‚

        Like

  11. September 13, 2017 at 11:52 pm

    Poor Imelda! She meant so well.

    Like

  12. September 14, 2017 at 2:02 am

    he is nuts if he leaves that wonderful woman. πŸ™‚

    Like

  13. September 14, 2017 at 4:11 am

    Mr. Nutman is a LITTLE weird . πŸ˜€
    Great , fun story, Draliman .πŸ™‚πŸ™‚

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 7:02 am

      That’s putting it mildly πŸ™‚
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  14. September 14, 2017 at 4:25 am

    Stupid wife….. why didn’t she think to carve Jesus’ face in the bread instead of dumb hearts? That would have made them both a lot of monkeys! At least the former Mrs. Nutman shouldn’t have too much trouble back on the dating scene seducing men with her romantic toast….

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 7:04 am

      Jesus’ face has turned up in so many edible treats, trees, etc. It’s been done to death!
      I dread to think what she carves in the bread when the relationship is all new and exciting…

      Like

  15. September 14, 2017 at 10:04 am

    Ha! Poor Mrs Nutman, trying to be romantic and finding divorce instead! Funny and fun tale

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 11:23 am

      If that’s his attitude I think she’s better off without him πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. September 14, 2017 at 10:42 am

    Dear Ali,

    Oi fink Mr. Nutman, gots it all wrong. Funny man and storytelling.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • September 14, 2017 at 11:23 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      Hee, your comment made me smile πŸ™‚
      I’m glad you liked it!
      Ali

      Like

  17. September 14, 2017 at 2:09 pm

    “theft of bread with intent to starve” Hahah that was hilarious πŸ˜€

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:05 am

      It’s a serious allegation! I’m glad you liked it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  18. September 14, 2017 at 2:21 pm

    Chiswick certainly isn’t a romantic! Hahahaha! His wife was just trying to put some romance in their marriage.

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:06 am

      He’d rather have a whole sandwich and a pint of beer I think πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  19. September 14, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    Ooops! I guess she wasn’t thinking straight. Can’t blame her though, sometimes love makes us think and do crazy things.:) But whatever one does, one shouldn’t steal a piece of food or the plans of earning more money… that easily. πŸ˜€
    Great story Ali! I liked the short glossary to the story. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:07 am

      The poor romantic woman πŸ™‚ I thought a glossary was a good idea – I’m not even sure “sarnie” works outside of the UK. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. September 14, 2017 at 3:27 pm

    This is priceless. I love that you saw a face in the bread… and the accent… and the divorce… can’t stop laughing.

    Like

  21. September 14, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    It’s like an episode of Eastenders! Brilliant.

    Click to read my FriFic

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:09 am

      Ha, yes! I was thinking one of those stories the Daily Mail thinks is “top news” πŸ™‚

      Like

  22. September 14, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    Ha! Much fun on a Thursday afternoon. Thanks for the smile. Delightful accent, funny name (Bingo), and bad news for Mrs. Nutman. So much for romance.

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:10 am

      Hopefully she’ll find someone a bit more romantic πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it and had a smile!

      Like

  23. michael1148humphris
    September 14, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    I expect Imelda will be cutting very large heart shaped holes in any of there property now. Loved the voice you gave Mr Nutman

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:11 am

      I reckon his clothes are going to have a bunch of exciting hearts in them for sure! I’m glad you liked the voice.

      Like

  24. September 15, 2017 at 12:53 am

    Bloody Rochelle beat me to the same type of comment!
    Oi fink Nutman happens to have the right name!
    Good luck to the Missus… she’ll do much better elswheres…

    Like

    • September 15, 2017 at 7:12 am

      Ha!
      Yes, his name is particularly apt. I reckon Mrs Nutman will move on quite easily with her romantic ways πŸ™‚

      Like

  25. September 15, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    Fun story.
    instead of a heart or Nutman’s face, at times, I saw a rooster. But then again I raise chickens.
    To each man let him see his own image in his own bread, I say.

    Randy

    Like

    • September 16, 2017 at 8:09 am

      I only briefly saw a heart but then I saw the eye holes and it was forever after a flattened face. So I ended up using both πŸ™‚

      Like

  26. Life Lessons of a Dog Lover
    September 15, 2017 at 8:50 pm

    This was great fun, love the line β€œtheft of bread with intent to starve”. Nice dialogue.

    Like

    • September 16, 2017 at 8:11 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it! That line was a late addition, I had trouble getting a decent ending πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  27. September 16, 2017 at 7:42 am

    Typical bloody man. Didn’t get what he wanted so blames his wife. Maybe she can sue him for divorce for being unobservant of, and ungrateful for, her loving administrations?

    Like

    • September 16, 2017 at 8:13 am

      He does strike me very much as a “stay in the kitchen and serve me, woman” kind of a man. I reckon she’ll get the best of the divorce πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  28. September 16, 2017 at 8:14 am

    MOL..Mars and Venus have some differences…we though it was very romantic, Draliman…MOL πŸ˜€ Pawkisses for a Happy Weekend πŸ™‚ ❀

    Like

    • September 16, 2017 at 8:34 am

      She thought it was very romantic too! Shame her husband is such a silly man 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  29. September 17, 2017 at 7:12 am

    Sounds like a mercenary man. My heart bleeds for his wife. 😦

    Like

    • September 17, 2017 at 5:21 pm

      That’s him in a nutshell. A new start is the best thing for her I reckon.

      Like

  30. September 17, 2017 at 12:44 pm

    Crusty old man. Divorce? His retirement funds will be toast. Great voice though.

    Like

    • September 17, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Toast indeed πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  31. September 17, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    Ha, ha. I love your dialect stories, Ali. Poor Mrs. Nutman. All she wanted was a little romance in her life. Knowing Mr. Nutman she should have given up years ago. He should have to pack his own lunches. Hilarious. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

    Like

    • September 17, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      He’ll certainly be packing his own lunches from now on. If he can work out how to use the kitchen… πŸ™‚

      Like

  32. September 18, 2017 at 4:01 am

    Giggle
    Giggle
    Giggle!
    πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œ
    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Like

  33. September 18, 2017 at 5:42 pm

    Sheesh! Romance is wasted on this one! lol

    Like

    • September 18, 2017 at 6:06 pm

      For sure. He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his lonely and soon-to-be divorced body.

      Liked by 1 person

  34. September 18, 2017 at 7:47 pm

    Cor blimey, guv’nor, you oughtta be writin’ for the News of the World you ought…

    Like

    • September 19, 2017 at 6:26 am

      I was thinking Daily Mail but they’re all much of a muchness πŸ™‚

      Like

  35. September 19, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    Haha that was so funny πŸ™‚ Too much romance though πŸ˜‰

    Like

    • September 20, 2017 at 11:32 am

      That heart-sandwich was just a step too far! I’m glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  36. September 20, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    ‘E sounds a bit of a strange ‘un, that’s for sure. NIce one, made me smile. The comment’s late because oi’ve bin away to one o’ them there foreign places.

    Like

    • September 20, 2017 at 6:44 pm

      Glad you liked it! Off to foreign climes, huh? I went all the way north to Devon once. Scary times. They do their cream tea scones upside-down, you know πŸ™‚

      Like

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