Archive
Oh deer
“Oh deer” – no, not an embarrassing typo. We’re talking Bambi’s here (I understand that “Bambi” is a name and has no plural, and neither “Bambis” nor “Bambies” look right, so I hope you’ll excuse the use of the apostrophe in the plural).
From personal observation there has been a recent spate of attempted animal suicides in my area. Over the last couple of months every kind of furry mammal has flung itself at my car in an apparent attempt to end it all.
Here’s a list of the most recent attempts:
2 cats (Truro and Redruth)
1 fox (A30 dual carriageway)
1 squirrel (Falmouth)
1 deer (A30 dual carriageway)
1 drunken youth (Truro)
All of these incidents took place after 10pm except for the squirrel – he only required a quick braking manoeuvre. The others elicited a last minute swerve.
Now, the fox and the squirrel I can understand – they’ve never traditionally balked at running into the road.
I always thought cats had more sense.
I’ve included “drunken youth” in the list because he was behaving like an animal. He jumped out into he road and stuck his finger up at me. Maybe he was trying to thumb a lift but mistakenly used “the finger” instead. As I passed him I saw him in the rear view mirror move further out into the road, finger still held high as I drove away. I was quite annoyed at such a random incident and briefly considered slamming the car into reverse and backing over him. Of course that would have been “wrong”, although, to be honest, prison food could only improve my diet.
That brings me to the Bambi. A deer in Cornwall? What? I saw it in the headlights at the last second as it calmly made its way down the verge and straight out into the slow lane. I performed a rather impressive 70mph swerve and saw it in the rear view mirror stare at me for a second before, again very calmly, it made its way back up the verge.
My Dad later told me that apparently there’s a “deer farm” in the vicinity (deer don’t generally roam free in Cornwall which is why I was so surprised to see one at all, let alone on the main road).
I’m not sure why one would “farm deer”, but I guess it must have been “deer harvest” time and one of them made a break for freedom.
Apparently hitting a deer at 70mph does serious damage to a car (and it probably doesn’t do the deer much good either) so it’s lucky I had an empty lane to swerve into.
Are these incidents all part of the rich tapestry of nature, or is there a multi-species suicide pact going on? Hopefully the former, otherwise it’s all just a bit depressing.
I’ve won a prize!
Don’t you just love those “You’ve won a prize!” letters that come through the letterbox? You know the ones – they make it very clear you’ve won a massive stereo or a games console (until you read the very small print). One of these arrived on the doorstep the other day. I thought I’d analyse it for a bit of fun.
Wow, I’ve won a TV!
Hooray! Let’s ignore the words “if applicable” for now. They’re probably not important. I’ve won a TV!
I am such an idiot!
Surely I forgot to send back my prize claim – only a mad fool wouldn’t want to claim this fantastic prize. I’m so stupid – I only had to remember to do one thing, and I couldn’t even do that! This is worded so aggressively, they must be quite anxious to give me my prize.
Everyone’s human
Well, apparently this is just a reminder. It’s OK – it’s not too late! Everyone forgets to do things and I’ve still got time to claim my prize! But I can’t delay, I’d better post it off now.
It’s ready to ship!
It’s there in the warehouse ready for me – as soon as I respond they’ll send me my LCD screen parcel! Hang on though – is there a difference between “LCD Screen” and “LCD Screen parcel”? I think I’d better take a quick look at the terms and conditions. (I couldn’t take a decent picture of the small print. It was too, well, small.)
“Upon receipt of the documents, the addressees cannot make any conclusion about the exact nature of the prize they awarded.”
But didn’t it say I’d won a TV?
If I don’t reply, it gets serious
Yes, the General Manager himself is going to have to deal with me!
Another win!
I’ve also won thousands of pounds – this is indeed my lucky day!
Hang on, they’ve worded this as a statement of fact, but what’s that question mark doing at the end? And what does that asterisk refer to?
I haven’t actually won anything, have I?
Where’s that horn?
The car horn – it’s a strange beast. It might be found on one of the steering column stalks, in the centre of the steering wheel or between the centre of the steering wheel and the wheel itself. What’s it for? Its only legitimate purpose is to let other road users know you’re there. Is it ever used for such a purpose?
Nope.
Well, I’ve used it for that purpose once in my life. Someone began reversing towards me and I gave a little honk to let him know he ought to stop before he dinged me.
Its common usage is twofold:
“Oy! You cut me up, you little shit! Learn to drive!”
and
“Boy, I’ve been stuck in this queue for ever. I think I’ll vent my frustration by honking my horn.”
The first I can understand, the second would wind me up except that I’ve never been exposed to it. In fact I’ve only ever seen it happen on TV. I don’t know if it even happens in real life. I was stuck in traffic for 8 hours on the M25 London Orbital once and not a single person used their horn.
In TV and films, horns are used just before an accident to add a little something to the scene. What happens next depends on the plot, of course. Sometimes the accident is averted, sometimes the oncoming vehicle seems to have time to honk their horn but fails to slow down before plowing into the hapless pedestrian!
Finding the horn in real life is a bit more of a problem. I’m usually too busy braking and swerving to honk at the offending vehicle. In the past couple of years I’ve tried it twice. The first time nothing happened due to technical problems (the garage couldn’t find anything wrong, probably water got in). The second happened last week.
There I was on the roundabout, minding my own business. I saw lights to the left, but being on the roundabout it was my right of way. Suddenly there was a flash of silver in front of me, then it was gone. The car approaching was going so fast, not only did he have no chance of stopping but I barely even saw him cross in front of me. It wasn’t exactly a near miss, he was a good couple of metres away. There was a car parked just off the roundabout with someone in it (he’d just dropped someone off) – I saw the guy’s jaw drop and he was pointing incredulously at the speeding car. If I’d been going any faster probably both my car and the speeder’s would have been written off, the speed he was going.
So I decided, I’m going to give him a good beep. I’m going to give him both barrels, big time. OK, it’s after 10pm and it’s illegal to sound my horn in a built-up area, but I just don’t care. I rammed my hand at the steering column, and viciously changed the car computer readout from “trip” to “distance until empty”. Bollocks.
Where’s that horn?
A week of news
Hello, and welcome to the first part of “A week of news”, which aims to get me posting at least once a week! This is unlikely but let’s just wait and see. It also means I’ll have to keep up with World Events…
(This was supposed to be serious but after reading it through, it appears to be somewhat cynical and morbid. Apologies.)
Another Costa problem
No, not the coffee house, the shipping fleet. Hot on the heels of the Concordia tragedy, this time it’s the turn of the Allegra. Thankfully no-one was hurt this time, and the ship, adrift, was towed to safety. Though two ships from the same company having problems within such a short period of time is almost certainly coincidence, it’s bound to make people more wary, which is bad news for travel companies and the economy.
When they talked to the captain they were astonished to find that, in the face of recent Costa tradition, he had actually stayed on board. Good on you, Cap.
Tornadoes
Tornadoes have hit the mid-West and South of the USA, causing tragic loss of life. Last year was the same. Is it just me, or are natural disasters hitting with increasing regularity and ferocity (I’m also thinking of the recent earthquakes and tsunamis)? Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live in the UK. It gets “hot” but not that hot. It gets cold (and we’ve had a couple of nasty winters) but it doesn’t get really really cold. We’ve had floods, but not enough to wash away towns. We have earthquakes – sometimes so “bad” that people at the epicentre describe their teacups rattling in their saucers. Nothing ever actually collapses.
Is this planet falling apart? Is it something we did…?
Elections
Things are hotting up in the US, with Romney, Santorum and Gingrich rushing around the country trying to win votes. They are all Republicans but appear to be working against each other at something called “primaries”. I don’t understand any of this, though it will be interesting to see who is the “last wallet standing”.
Meanwhile, in the UK the country is gearing up enthusiastically for council elections in May, which will be a good indicator of public opinion on the government. These coincide with the election for the Mayor of London. I hope Boris Johnson is re-elected because I think he’s funny.
And in that bastion of democracy, Iran, they have also been holding elections. However, the opposition Green Movement are unlikely to win as apparently they’ve been under house arrest since 2009.
Cameron and the horse
And finally, after much speculation and flying about of rumours, it has transpired that UK PM David Cameron did in fact once ride a retired police horse which was on loan to former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks.
Is this really headline news? Well, is it? Really?
Ah, winter
Winter’s here at last. Cold mornings, icy winds, the threat of snow. I, like another poster, love the crisp clear days. There’s nothing quite like walking through the cold and frost and then getting home to the warm and snug.
We don’t get it much in Cornwall, apart from the last two winters. This last week is the first frost I’ve seen, and the first time this winter that the little snowflake on the dashboard of my car has turned red (indicating that the temperature has dropped below zero degrees).
I’m in two minds about snow, however. On the one hand, “oh, isn’t everything so beautiful!” Everything looks white and fresh. It’s so quiet, and your boots make that lovely crunching sound as you walk along.
On the other hand, I have responsibilities. I have to get to work. That’s not so easy in the snow. OK, driving through a few centimeters of snow isn’t so bad. There’s a fair amount of grip, once you realise that you can’t brake and turn at the same time. Everyone drives nice and slowly (apart from those few in the fast lane who seem to think that traction control makes them invincible). The last couple of years, it snowed, then it was really cold. So we were basically driving on ice, and that’s not so good. The main roads were clear, but getting up the hill to the main road wasn’t so much fun.
It would be great to be a kid again when it snows. You can either get to school or you can’t. That’s your parents’ problem. Someone needs to go and get food in the house, but that’s nothing to do with you. The heating is on full blast, but that bill’s nothing for you to worry about. The kid’s job is to play outside and have fun.
Last year they showed something on the news about Heathrow airport being closed. They showed some kids playing outside in the snow, looking really happy, and talked to them. “Where are you going?” they were asked. “Spain!” they replied. Um, no you’re not. Kids don’t really understand the words “cancelled” or “grounded”. That’s for the parents to worry about.
Well, no snow yet this winter. The current lot doesn’t seem to be coming any further south than Bristol, and that’s over a 100 miles up north. Our lovely crisp bright mornings have turned to mucky rain. And it’s still cold. Lovely.
When Routine Goes Bad
Ah, routine. My life is ruled by it. Many people’s are. Wake up, make up the lunch box, have a shave, have a shower, go to work.
Do work.
Come home, make tea, watch a DVD while eating tea. Watch some more telly. Go to bed.
Simple? Safe, certainly. But it’s a lot of work, in my own head. There are certain programmes to watch on certain days. The same food is eaten on each day each week. And I don’t like this to change.
For example, Saturday night is pizza night. Pizza and (currently) an episode of Dr Who. The Dr Who is important. I know the episodes really well. That means I can look down at my pizza to sprinkle on the Tabasco without missing anything.
I think of it as my weekly treat. If I “have” to do something else on Saturday night I get mildly irritated. My brain immediately screams “But, but, it’s pizza night!”. I need to designate another night to be pizza night. That mucks up my routine for the alternate night. The sky falls and the world comes to an end. I can’t help thinking this isn’t entirely “normal” (whatever that is).
Routine has its up side, of course. When I leave home, I check various plug-sockets, electrical equipment, the windows and so on in the same order every single time. That way nothing gets missed. I know nothing’s been left on. No worries, no “rushing back home to check”.
On the negative side, I’ve noticed that some things I do are so automatic, they cease to be “things to do” and become instead “the correct number of things to do”. I once had a pair of trousers with an extra button. More than once I left the house with the fly unzipped. My brain insisted I’d done the correct number of things in order to fasten those trousers – the extra button took the place of the fly.
Where do things deteriorate to the point of the ridiculous? When I lock a door I always give the handle a tug to check – normal enough. I then need to leave the immediate vicinity within 4-5 seconds, or I’ll check the door again. Just in case it has magically unlocked itself in the meantime. And I’ll keep checking it until I leave. The absolute knowledge that it’s locked doesn’t help.
Some people describe routine as “boring”. I prefer “predictable”. I’m sure there’s a line there somewhere, I’m just not sure I’m on the right side of it.
Tech-no or tech-yes
Ah, technology. New stuff. Electronical marvels.
Love it or hate it, it’s everywhere.
I’m constantly in two minds about the whole new technology deal. I tend to desperately want new gadgets but scoff at new innovations. Which is weird, considering I moved from laser research to computer programming – you’d think I’d be more than ultra keen for every new little thing.
Sometimes it’s down to my dislike of change. I get comfortable with an operating system on a computer. I know where everything is and I don’t want it to change. Eventually I get used to the new one of course, but I guess if you’ve spent 10 years with Windows XP, say, Windows 7 comes as a bit of a shock.
Sometimes it’s all about control. Take an automatic gearbox on a car (OK, that’s been around a while, but still). Doubtless it has its advantages, but no car’s going to tell me when to change gear, and if that means red-lining the revs then so be it. Maybe I’m not alone in this one – automatics are fairly rare. I’ve never seen one in a car showroom (of course I’ve never been looking for one) and only ever been in one once.
But I can be dead against new features and grow to love them. When I bought my new (well, pre-owned) car a couple of years ago it had a bunch of stuff I considered ridiculous. Automatic headlights? Automatic windscreen wipers? That’s my job – I was determined to switch it all to manual. A couple of days later I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. I got a loaner car a couple of weeks ago and when it began to rain I suddenly realised it was getting harder to see and nothing was happening. I have to twiddle a control to get the windscreen wipers to come on? How quaint!
Internet on your phone? Don’t be daft. I held out for years. Who needs that? Me, apparently.
Though as it turns out it’s far too easy to buy massive amounts of MP3s.
e-book readers. Love ’em, hate ’em or haven’t tried ’em? I would like to be a snob about books. Ah, the feel a of real book, the smell of the paper, the look of the beautiful hardbacks on the shelves. Well, my shelves are so full of beautiful hardbacks I decided I’d need to buy an e-book reader, and I’ve never looked back. I’ve decided that the thing I love best about books is the content, rather than the physical thing.
Though as it turns out it’s far too easy to buy massive amounts of books.
Hang on, is this new tech stuff just about getting us, Joe Public, to part with more money? No, that’s too cynical.
So, the upshot of this ramble? Drag me into new tech and I love it. Otherwise I’ll just complain about how unnecessary it is.
The Changing Language
Languages change and evolve – we all know that. What surprises me is the speed at which this can happen.
Take a look at this bit of Chaucer from the 14th century:
This frere bosteth that he knoweth helle,
And God it woot, that it is litel wonder;
Freres and feendes been but lyte asonder.
For, pardee, ye han ofte tyme herd telle
How that a frere ravyshed was to helle
In spirit ones by a visioun;
It’s vaguely understandable, but clearly not modern English – see here for a translation. To be honest, after 600 years I’m surprised it’s as close to today’s language as it is.
Then we have slang words. Some appear and stick around, some are less long-lived. Some are merely short-term fads. When I was at school, if we wanted to say something was great, we used the word “skill”.
“Did you see that football match last night? It was skill!”
That particular one has disappeared. We also completely reversed the word “help” – that lasted a few months. If someone asked you if they could “help” you, answering in the affirmative would lead to your school bag being unzipped, turned upside down and your belongings being turfed out all over the playground.
These are short-term slang words attached to a particular group or region, and generally never make it to a dictionary.
I see three sources of language change today which may accelerate the change of language as a whole.
- New slang words and abbreviations which stick around and become an official part of the language. These can originate from text-speak, for example. I wonder how long it will be before “LOL” becomes official? Take “Fail”, usually seen in texts. The first time I saw this I was most confused. “Fail” is a verb, and by itself in a sentence is most likely the imperative, or command form. Someone is commanding me to fail! I eventually realised it’s a new meaning, when someone has themselves failed at something, or something else has failed. I particularly like “Epic Fail”. I generally get on my high horse and refuse to use such terms, but I like this so much, I may start using it. I even love an American phrase, which many hate – “My bad.” This is a great way to accept responsibility for something without even a hint of an apology. It’s very flippant, so be careful when you use it. When explaining a mistake to your boss or trying to avoid a prison sentence, for example, a proper apology is probably a better way to go.
- Technology. Abbreviations which have become proper nouns, for instance “LASER”, or new words to describe new things, like “internet”. Of course, new things have always been invented which needed to be named, but there seems to be so much of this happening these days!
- New words, or existing words whose meanings have changed slightly due to the distribution of English across the world. For example, words such as “elevator” (lift), “sidewalk” (pavement) or “mall” (shopping centre). Although I believe this last word originated in England as a road with market stalls along it (such as Pall Mall in London). The inventive Americans popped a roof over the whole thing and the modern shopping centre was born!
These are my thoughts – a physicist turned computer programmer who really knows nothing about language. I’d love to hear different points of view, a rebuttal or counter argument of my off-the-top-of-the-head “theory”! I’m sure there’s tons of stuff on the internet about this, but research early Sunday morning? I don’t think so.
To apostrophe or not to apostrophe
I don’t usually write on the use of the English language. This is mainly because I’m worried that I’ll make exactly the same mistake in my post that I’m complaining about. Now, that would be ironic.
However, I walked into a major supermarket on Monday (October 31st – Halloween) and was confronted by the following sign:
“In the interests of security, please remove any Halloween mask’s.”
Note the apostrophe. Now, why is that there? How about:
“In the interests of the English language, please get someone who paid attention at school to write your signs.”
“Masks” is a normal plural noun. It doesn’t need an apostrophe, but this is one of the most common mistakes, probably second only to the “its/it’s” confusion, which is almost understandable since it doesn’t follow the rules.
I was tempted to point it out, but knowing my luck I’d be talking to the person who wrote the sign and they’d relieve me of my trolley, put my picture on the “banned from this store” wall and politely ask me to go away.
The “plural noun apostrophe” debacle even has a special name – it’s often called the “butcher’s apostrophe” or “greengrocer’s apostrophe”. This is due to the number of signs one might see on the high street offering “Three apple’s for a pound” and so on. I don’t necessarily blame the schools – we’re taught this stuff – but practice counts and I don’t think people read enough.
And while I’m on a rant, the Christmas decorations in the shop were up. In October! How can we view Christmas as a “special time” if it lasts for months? I can’t wait for the Boxing Day sales so I can get my Easter eggs in. Humph.
So, in the spirit of a very early Christmas and apostrophe hell,
“Merry Christma’s everyone! I hope you get lots’ of present’s!”
The Right Thing to Do
Last month riots and looting erupted in London and spread to some other major cities in England. Recent stories have reported that 75% of those arrested were “known to the police”. So what about the rest? Some stories reported arrests of ordinary people with ordinary jobs who thought they’d pop into some of the shops and help themselves.
So why did these people do it? Maybe they were caught up in the “excitement”. Maybe they also did it because they thought there were so many people involved they wouldn’t get caught. So, was fear of getting into trouble the only thing which previously held these people back?
We see this behaviour on a small scale every day. How many times does a car scream past you, slam on the brakes as it approaches a speed camera, then roar away again. They’re not interested in obeying the law, just in not getting caught.
It may be a naive hope, but maybe one day everyone will do the Right Thing simply because it’s the Right Thing To Do.


















