Sharing My World 14-12-2020

December 20, 2020 23 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What news event do you vividly remember hearing about as a child, and where were you?
The thing about being a kid is that I wasn’t very interested in news. I was more interested in cartoons. However, one event I remember was the first ever shuttle launch. It was delayed a few times, but we were called into one of the classrooms each time (the one with the TV!) to watch until it took off. That was April 1981, so I was in my final year of junior school.

What is a Christmas song that makes you cringe?
I was struggling to think of one and then another blogger reminded me – “Last Christmas”, By Wham!. Why does it make me cringe? Because it’s an absolute pile of steaming shit, that’s why.

What is one place you shop(ped prior to Covid) that might have surprised people?
Absolutely nowhere, I would say. My shopping is limited to a very few fairly mainstream outlets, mostly online. Even more online currently.

What is your least favourite holiday side dish?
I’ll eat anything and everything, me. Bring it on 🙂

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FF – Lost Religion

December 16, 2020 59 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sandra Crook.

I can’t help thinking that this might be the same crowd which was hoping to worship a shoe lace a couple of weeks back…

Copyright Sandra Crook

“All hail the Sacred Scarecrow! We, your humble servants worship you! As did our ancestors!”

All hail! Worship you! Ancestors!

“The All Powerful! The All Knowing! God of all!”

The All… wait a sec, Bert, there’s a crow on the Sacred Scarecrow!

“What? Arse. Um. Ahem… the Sacred Scarecrow has betrayed us!”

Betrayed us!

”Burn the Sacred Scarecrow!”

Burn it! Burn it! And sacrifice Bert for leading us astray!

“Burn it, bring forth the Sacred Matches and… wait, what? No, no…!”

WHOOMP!

“Aaargghhhh!”

Shame about Bert.
Yep.
Pub?
Yep.

Sharing My World 07-12-2020

December 13, 2020 21 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

Do you enjoy skiing or ice skating or if it’s warm where you are, hiking or enjoying outdoor sports?
I’ve never been skiing or ice skating. I’m sure I’d end up with a number of broken bones, and as a kid there was nowhere to do either without taking a holiday anyway. Nowadays, there’s a skating rink created over Christmas (not this year obviously), and I think there’s a dry ski slope within 100 miles or so.

It’s not too cold here – anywhere between 2 and 11 degrees. Walking rather than “hiking” is my thing, and there’s not much sports going on this year with The Covid.

Do you give to charities or homeless that you might encounter, during this time of year, more than you do otherwise?
I give via direct debit. I don’t go into town much (not at all since March) so I don’t encounter much by way of charities in the street. I don’t think that’s happening this year anyway.

What is the most enjoyable activity you engage in during December? Is it a tradition for you and your family?
There’s always my traditional Christmas Eve Die Hard and present wrapping marathon. And of course, Christmas Day with Mum and Dad, which will be different this year but still going ahead.

What changes will C-19 bring to your festive celebrations this year?
Slightly reduced I think. And I’ll likely be wearing a mask (except while eating) as I always do when visiting my parents, though my parents are getting their first vaccine jab this coming week so they’ll be somewhat protected.

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FF – All the Fun of the Fair

December 9, 2020 50 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

Drake looked across at the amusement park as he sipped his pint. People roaming, playing the coconuts, visiting the fortune teller… riding the roller coaster.

He would never ride one. Not his kind of thrill. Far too dangerous.

Anything could happen.

He listened to their screams, screams which could change from exhilarated excitement to terror in an instant. At the push of a button.

His finger hovered over the remote’s trigger… trembled… and relaxed.

Not today. He got his thrills holding people’s lives in his palm. Life… or death. Shame for it to end too soon. Later perhaps. Maybe tomorrow…

Sharing My World 30-11-2020

December 6, 2020 23 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What would you enjoy if you could do so without someone getting annoyed with you for enjoying it? It MUST be something you aren’t supposed to enjoy because it is “bad for you”.
Ha, there isn’t anyone to get annoyed with me for doing “bad for me” things so I do what I want heh heh 🙂

Is it okay for men to wear the colour pink?
Of course. I wore a (pale) pink shirt to a wedding a few years ago, and quite a few chaps there wore the same.

Can you curl your tongue?
I checked, and apparently I can! Hooray. I knew I had a superpower.

What, in your opinion, is the best room to put a fireplace?
Sorry to sound traditional, but the living room. It where most people spend most of their at home awake time.

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FF – Not a Holy Relic

December 2, 2020 66 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.

“Look, Brother!”

“Yes, the sign of Infinity!”

“There is no beginning. There is no end. All things are eternal.”

“We are one with the Universe, and the Universe is one with us.”

“It is a sign, Brother!”

“Yes, a sign! We are indeed blessed!”

“Blessed!”

There it is, Baz!

Yeah, I see it. Excuse me, gents…”

“Wait, touch not the Holy Relic, mortal!”

Um. It’s my shoelace.

“Your shoelace?

Yep.

“So… we couldn’t encase it in holy amber? The centrepiece of our religion, to worship for time unending?”

Not really. I need it to keep my shoe on.

“Arse.”

“Bugg’rit.”

Sharing My World 23-11-2020

November 29, 2020 17 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.

What is worse than a dentist with bad breath?
A proctologist with a power drill.

Have you ever been rejected by someone that you liked, or been told that you were not good enough for somebody else?
Ha!

“Um… fancy going out for a drink after work?
“Yeah, sounds good!”
woohoo!
“Great, place round the corner at 6?”
“Yep. Who else is coming?”
Nooooooo!

Did you ever want to have toast for breakfast, only to find that all your bread was covered in green mould?
Result. Extra penicillin, set you up for the day.

Did you ever sneeze so hard that your whole body hurt?
Not my whole body but my head. Makes me worry I’ve burst a blood vessel 😦

Did you ever buy clothing on the internet that did not fit, but you wore them anyway, since you didn’t want to pay the £5 shipping charge to send them back?
No. I only buy clothes on the internet if they’re a known brand and I understand their sizing system. Most places these days have a handy size chart, as obviously one company’s “XL” is another company’s “M”.

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FF – The Nam

November 25, 2020 48 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Susan Eames.

Copyright Susan Eames

And…. Action!

“Hello, Bruce, we heard from your grandson that you were injured in Vietnam and would love to talk to you for our documentary.”

“Sure thing, cobber. Hurt in The Nam, I was.”

“How did it feel?”

“Bloody painful, mate.”

“Shock, fear?”

“For sure!“

“Do you still suffer?”

“Aches on cold days. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, reliving it, like.”

“I bet.”

“Bad year, 2018.”

2018?”

“My holiday in Ho Chi Minh City. What we’re talking about! Slipped in the shower. Broke me leg in three places. Five star hotel, too!”

“Bloody hell. Cut!”

  

Sharing My World 16-11-2020

November 22, 2020 21 comments

Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. We have a new COVID-themed image this week!

Is cereal soup? Why or why not?
What? No. Surely not! Milk makes me throw up anyway so all that leaves is the dry Rice Crispies. Not very soup-like.

I suppose if you wait for the cereal to get soggy and mash it all up you’d get a soup-like substance. Like gruel. Yum.

What are some interesting ways to answer everyday questions like “how’s it going” or “what do you do”?
“What’s ‘it’? You’re talking nonsense, man. You need to define your terms. Moron.”

“What do I do when? At night? During the day? When I’m out and about? Be more precise! Moron.”

(Taken from my upcoming book “How to lose friends and piss everyone off”.)

What was your favourite toy growing up?
I remember two. There was my bike. I’d cycle all around town visiting friends. The other was a cool castle my Dad made for me and my brother out of wood. Battlements, a drawbridge, it had everything!

If you have a pet, and you could ask it three questions, what would you ask?
I don’t but I’ve had cats so let’s go with a cat.

“Why are you peeing on the carpet?”
“Are you taking the piss? If you are, please take it off the carpet and outside.”
“When you look at me are you thinking about how I’d make good eating?”

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FF – Portal to Nowhere

November 18, 2020 58 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sarah Potter.

Copyright Sarah Potter

“Hello, Control? I’m through the portal!”

crackle crackle

“I can’t hear you, can you hear me? It’s incredible, but… all black and white! My eyes! My eyes!”

“Greetings, stranger. Do not fear.”

“But… but… my eyes… black and white…”

“That is normal, my friend. You have entered the In-Between.”

“In between… where?”

“Between whence you came and your destination. A mirror world of your own, dark and without colour.”

“Where is the portal? It’s gone!”

“You can never return. But you are most welcome!”

“I am?”

“Of course! We so seldom get fresh meat… I mean a new face haha… here.”

“Ulp.”