Home > Fiction > FF – Sinking

FF – Sinking

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Erin Leary. To read this week’s other stories, click on the blue froggy.

I shot wildly over the word limit this week, I hope it still reads okay now that I’ve cut it all back to sub-100 :-).

Copyright Erin Leary

Copyright Erin Leary

 

Tears of grief stung his eyes as he traversed the swamp. Though a virtually featureless expanse of water and plant-life, he found the spot easily.

ThisΒ is where he dumped them, watched them sink slowly into the mire – his wife, always so critical, so exhausting; his daughter, always Mummy’s girl.

No longer able to bear the guilt, he stood in that spot, sinking, drowning, until darkness overcame him.

 

Almost immediately he opened his eyes, blinking. Is this Heaven, he thought? The extreme heat, strong smell of sulphur and the pitchfork poking him in the ribs said otherwise.

 

  1. February 3, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    Nice little story!

    Like

  2. February 3, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    I feel kind of bad for him but at the same time, he did kill his wife and daughter or didn’t he? Well told.

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 3, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Yes, he did. He got what was coming to him, if not in this world, then the next… πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      • February 3, 2016 at 8:55 pm

        Justice served.

        Like

  3. February 3, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Very morbid! πŸ™‚

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:02 am

      Yes, they all ended up dead in this one 😦

      Like

  4. February 3, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    Your story reads quite well at less than 100 words. The last line made me laugh.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:03 am

      Thanks! The last line did have quite a different feel to the rest.

      Like

  5. February 3, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    I love the pitch fork in the ribs, it made me smile. well done.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:03 am

      Thanks! I think there’s more pitchforking to come in his future πŸ™‚

      Like

  6. February 3, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    Haha…deservedly so!

    Like

  7. February 4, 2016 at 12:36 am

    I call that a happy ending πŸ™‚

    Like

  8. Adam Ickes
    February 4, 2016 at 1:29 am

    Serves him right! Though, speaking as the father of a little girl, I’m not sure the punishment is enough. I vote we make the punishment worse, at least ten fold.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:04 am

      I have a feeling that it’s about to get much, much worse for him. From now until, well, forever.

      Like

  9. February 4, 2016 at 4:39 am

    Great story! Guilt took over, and justice was served. If he thought he was joining them…he had a rude awakening!

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:06 am

      Getting overcome with guilt after his dark deed was never going to get him a pass “upstairs”. I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  10. February 4, 2016 at 5:21 am

    I think one of your best.

    Like

  11. February 4, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Eek! Definitely not heaven. He’s where he deserves to be, I’d say. Great work in turning our sympathies around – here I was ready to feel sorry for him at the start.

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:08 am

      Yes, he got what was coming to him. I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  12. February 4, 2016 at 7:38 am

    Wow, Ali. You bring your killers to justice in a hurry. He was just dropped right into hell. It seems, for some reason, he wasn’t expecting it. I doubt he’ll meet his wife and daughter there. It seems he got what was coming to him. Well done. Just one question. Did you write this while angry with someone who did you wrong? Writers sometimes kill off their enemies by writing of their death. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:08 am

      With only 100 words, justice is often swift! No, I’m not angry with anyone at the moment πŸ™‚
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  13. Lata Sunil
    February 4, 2016 at 9:13 am

    That was justice served. Not heaven, hell perhaps. Good story.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:52 pm

      He got his just desserts in the end! I’m glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. February 4, 2016 at 10:00 am

    😊 nope definitely not heaven.
    Wonder if his wife and daughter are there as well.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      Foe sure not Heaven πŸ™‚
      I think his wife and daughter are in Heaven, so they won’t have to deal with him again.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. February 4, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Whoops, he didn’t expect that, did he? Murderous story with a fun twist.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      As if he could wonder if he’s in Heaven after what he’s done…
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  16. February 4, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    Should of paid attention to the sermons when he was little πŸ˜‰

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      For sure. Then he would have known what happens to bad men who murder their family πŸ™‚

      Like

  17. February 4, 2016 at 1:53 pm

    Dear Ali,

    I’d say you boiled it down to a workable story. Divine justice prevails. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      Dear Rochelle,
      Thanks! It lost a bit of “flow” but worked out okay in the end.
      He has definitely been judged for his Earthly crimes!
      Ali

      Like

  18. February 4, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    It started so dark, but the end made me smile! Great story. πŸ˜€

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 1:57 pm

      I was aware of quite a change in mood, but it seemed to work so I went with it. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

  19. February 4, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Surely he wasn’t expecting heaven? Nice one.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:18 pm

      I think he was, the silly fool πŸ™‚

      Like

  20. February 4, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    I think the first impression of scorching heat can be that of comfort… but I guess the pitchfork is hard to live with… I wonder if he will be rejoined with his wife as well…

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      I’m hoping his wife went “upstairs”! I think he has a lot more pitchfork-poking in his future.

      Like

  21. February 4, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    I’d say he deserved the extreme heat, the smell of sulphur and the pitchfork poking him in the ribs – grief -tricken and remorseful or not. Loved the way you wrote that ending. Good story altogether.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:23 pm

      He definitely did deserve everything he’s going to get the rest of eternity πŸ™‚
      I’m glad you liked the ending – it was quite a change to the rest of the story.

      Like

      • February 4, 2016 at 7:51 pm

        Yes, the ending quite changed the tone. It was particularly funny for being different to the rest. πŸ™‚

        Like

      • February 4, 2016 at 8:25 pm

        I couldn’t hold back the brevity one paragraph longer πŸ™‚

        Like

  22. February 4, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    Did he expect heaven because living was hell with guilt and he thought he had already piad the price?

    Good story. Condensing to 100 words is not easy but you seem to have pulled it off without losing much.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      I don’t think he was thinking very clearly. No-one really expects to end up in Hell, I bet!
      I’m glad it still worked. I started over 40 words over!

      Like

  23. February 4, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    Enjoyed reading your story. Loved the twist. Thanks.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

      Like

  24. February 4, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    What did he expect, after all he killed his wife and daughter! Great story, Ali!

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      Exactly. There was only one place he was going πŸ™‚

      Like

  25. February 4, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    Gory story… But has cushion effect! Engrossing read through and through.

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      Yes, the ending was quite different to the rest! I’m glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  26. February 4, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    can he stand the heat? to be continued, i guess. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • February 4, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      I would quote the old saying “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”, but I don’t think this is a kitchen one can so easily escape πŸ™‚

      Like

  27. February 5, 2016 at 4:16 am

    ❀ Oh I do love a happy ending!!!! LOL! πŸ˜€

    Like

  28. February 5, 2016 at 5:09 am

    Hah! I am always amused by those who think their deeds will go unpunished for feeling guilt or over-going to church (I know some!)

    Like

    • February 5, 2016 at 8:31 am

      Yes, some people think all they have to do is confess and then “job’s a good ‘un”. Nope πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • February 5, 2016 at 2:31 pm

        Not even close.

        Like

  29. February 5, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Smoothly done, Ali. A blend of tragedy, demise, and karma rolled in one. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • February 5, 2016 at 8:32 am

      Thanks! With all that in there, no wonder it started off at 140 words πŸ™‚

      Like

  30. February 5, 2016 at 8:52 am

    So that’s what’s under the swamp…. hell! I’ll bet mummy and daughter are none to pleased to see him again…

    Like

    • February 5, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      I’m hoping mum and daughter got a lift “upstairs” – unless they’ve also done something they shouldn’t. If that’s the case, maybe they’ll get a go with the traditional red hot poker!

      Like

  31. February 5, 2016 at 11:54 pm

    So, he killed his family? Oh well, he got what he deserved then. I thought maybe he sunk into a new dimension. Well done, Ali.

    Like

    • February 6, 2016 at 5:42 am

      Yes, he got what he deserved, the nasty chap.
      I didn’t think of another dimension but that could have worked too. It doesn’t sound very inviting, though πŸ™‚

      Like

  32. February 6, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Ha. heaven it ain’t. Did he think feeling guilty would expunge the crime?

    Like

    • February 6, 2016 at 4:59 pm

      I think that was his hope. Sadly for him, not the case!

      Like

  33. February 7, 2016 at 3:45 pm

    OMC he is evil…hell-fire got him, right? Pawkisses πŸ™‚ ❀

    Like

    • February 7, 2016 at 4:33 pm

      Yep, he’s got an eternity to think about his mistakes in the fiery pit πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  34. February 7, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    Sounds like he got what he deserved! I wonder why he killed them in the first place.

    Like

    • February 7, 2016 at 8:21 pm

      I think he just got fed up with the nagging, the miserable old psycho πŸ™‚

      Like

  35. February 9, 2016 at 12:46 pm

    Ah, the fiery pits – a well deserved ending!

    Like

    • February 9, 2016 at 12:50 pm

      Actually re-reading it, I think the piece packs a stronger punch without that last paragraph. The hell scene shifts it from a dark & bleak story to one that’s kinda humourous.

      Just a thought- I liked anyway:)

      Like

      • February 9, 2016 at 4:02 pm

        I did wonder about that and I’m aware of the sudden change of pace, as it were. I don’t think at the time I was sure what sort of story I wanted to write πŸ™‚
        Thanks for your feedback!

        Liked by 1 person

    • February 9, 2016 at 4:01 pm

      I thought so!

      Like

  36. February 10, 2016 at 2:45 am

    Well, this is one of those ‘you reap what you sow’ moments….

    Like

    • February 10, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      For sure. And he’s going to be reaped for eternity…

      Like

  37. February 10, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Ah, the end brought a smile to my face, while the beginning made me feel distinctly and sad.
    You cannot resist a little turnaround at the end, right?
    Enjoyed your story!

    Like

  38. February 10, 2016 at 12:54 pm

    He got exactly what was coming to him! Wonderful story, Ali. πŸ™‚ Have you watched any ‘Lucifer’ on Amazon yet? It seems like the type of programme you might enjoy. πŸ˜€

    Like

    • February 10, 2016 at 3:53 pm

      Yeah, he got his!
      Lucifer is indeed exactly the sort of programme I enjoy. I’ve only seen the pilot so far as there are so few episodes so far and I don’t want to suddenly run out. I think it’s great πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  39. February 23, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    I’d love to see the ‘long [complicated] version’, too! Superb (revenge) flash fiction as it is, though. I suspect the husband would be more pitiable and/or maybe more despicable in long-form.

    Like

    • February 23, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      Unfortunately I hit “delete” a lot of times to reach the word limit πŸ™‚ I think he would be more pitiable in long form – he seems to feel grief for what he’s done so I think it was a moment of madness rather than a cold and deliberate act.

      Like

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