Home > Fiction > FF – Rustic Real Estate

FF – Rustic Real Estate

Here is my post for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Piya Singh and I believe it is from a few years ago.

To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.

Copyright Piya Singh

Copyright Piya Singh

 

“How are we gonna sell this?”

“I’ve offloaded worse.”

“It took us three hours to get here – on foot. There’s no heating, no plumbing and no electricity. Hell, it doesn’t even have interior walls.”

“Ah, but if you turn the wheel at the front the whole cottage rotates, so you always get the sun! Very forward-thinking, Victorian inventors.”

“Yeah, pretty awesome, but a wheel requiring twenty people to shift?”

“Details, details…”

Picturesque period property, privacy guaranteed. Open-plan, “olde worlde” feel, benefits from all-day sunshine via unique rotational architecture. Ideal for “back to nature” commune of twenty plus. £750,000 o.n.o.

 

  1. June 1, 2016 at 6:27 pm

    Haha… I would like to buy… Please give me the contact details of the seller😀

    Like

  2. June 1, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    Oh man, that advert, 😆

    Like

  3. Holly
    June 1, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    Location, location, location. 🙂

    Like

  4. June 1, 2016 at 7:31 pm

    Wow!
    That is an estate agent at his best.
    Selling crap for gold.
    🙂
    🙂

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:22 am

      That would be the best tag line for an estate agent ever. “Ripoff and Sons, Selling crap for gold since 1976” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 2, 2016 at 7:27 am

        🙂
        :-):-)
        I like that a lot, at least that would be honest.

        Like

      • June 2, 2016 at 7:35 am

        Their honesty might just be enough of a “unique selling point” to make them some real money!

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 2, 2016 at 7:37 am

        My thoughts exactly!

        Like

  5. June 1, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    This sounds better than any mansion… beside you can always add a conservatory (or?)

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:23 am

      There’s certainly room for expansion!

      Like

  6. June 1, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Hee-heee-heeeee! Well, gotta have some imagination, huh?
    Of course, I’m sure some American will turn it into an amusement park ride. Hey, why not?

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:24 am

      “Come visit the amazing spinning cottage!”
      There’s a theme park for practically everything else, so why not indeed?

      Like

  7. June 1, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    That sounds like a very interesting property! Love the advert – that sounds like typical estate agent ‘spin’. Great story, Ali. 🙂

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:26 am

      Ha, “spin” :-). The first thing you need to research when buying a house is what the estate agent is trying hard not to say.

      Like

  8. michael1148humphris
    June 1, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    Can you send me the contact details of this estate agent, for he has done great here.

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:26 am

      He has done a pretty good job. He can sell my house any day!

      Like

  9. June 1, 2016 at 11:43 pm

    Some overpaid corporate snob will buy it. And brag about the bargain they got.

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:28 am

      And never visit. It’s all about his “house in the country”.

      Like

  10. Lyn
    June 2, 2016 at 1:23 am

    You’re missing your calling, Ali. You need to apply for a senior estate agent position 😀

    Like

  11. June 2, 2016 at 1:38 am

    The price of real estate these days, amirite, boyo?

    Like

  12. June 2, 2016 at 2:23 am

    Rustic: the perfect word to describe this place! Great story!

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:30 am

      For sure – it’s a word to watch out for in a house listing. I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. June 2, 2016 at 2:39 am

    HaHa! In my experience “rustic” is real estate code for “if there is any plumbing at all, it is a long way from the main house!” 😀

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:30 am

      In this case I think you have to dig your own pit and carry water from the “nearby” stream 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. June 2, 2016 at 5:21 am

    So clever, so creative, so funny! You never fail us, Dr. Alistair!
    The idea of the wheel rotating the whole structure so that it can face the sun is brilliant.
    Great real estate gag!

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:32 am

      Well, if it’s a water wheel it doesn’t seem to be facing the right way so what else could it be? 🙂
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. June 2, 2016 at 5:34 am

    £750,000 is totally worth a house that spins… to heck with the scenery or lack of a proper toilet…

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:32 am

      That’s what I thought. There’s going to be a bidding war for sure.

      Like

  16. June 2, 2016 at 6:49 am

    Haha! The bidding has just gone UP! Okay, I’d love that “olde worlde” house too. Who should I talk to? 😄

    Clever take, Ali. As always.

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:33 am

      Everyone wants the little cottage! I could make some money here 🙂
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  17. June 2, 2016 at 7:29 am

    I think I may have come across several of those estate agents just recently… Made me smile.

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 7:35 am

      They’re everywhere. Like “cosy” actually means 10 square feet…
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  18. June 2, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Clever and funny, cool piece.

    Like

  19. June 2, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Hilarious, Ali. The man is a super salesman with a great vocabulary. “Back to nature” is putting it mildly. I love the price. 😀 — Suzanne

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      The estate agent reckon’s that’s just the starting price – it could go even higher!
      You can’t beat an estate agent for sales patter 🙂

      Like

  20. June 2, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Gosh darn, everyone must want that property. And the realtors could easily have asked for a million, not a measly 750K. Pounds. Not €. Not $. Hilarious.

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      From the interest in the property just from this blog post, I reckon the estate agent could ultimately be looking at seven figures 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  21. June 2, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    Hahaha! Although I like this old house it reminds me that realtors can make a trash heap sound like a castle. LOL!

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      You definitely don’t want to buy anything “sight unseen” 🙂 Even their photographs make rooms look twice the size. I think they have a special lens or something.

      Like

  22. June 2, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    “How are we gonna sell this?”

    “I’ve offloaded worse.”

    I’m inclined to believe that. A good salesman can find a buyer for anything. And honestly, the place doesn’t look so bad. It’s quaint, secluded, has a great view, running water (of sorts) and I’m betting no pesky neighbors. Also, I’d guess zoning laws probably don’t apply. What a bargain! Where can I put in an offer? 🙂

    Like

    • June 2, 2016 at 3:57 pm

      I agree, it looks like the ideal place for a nice quiet getaway (and I also agree that a good salesperson can sell anything!). If you want to put in an offer, you’ll have stiff competition from several other readers!

      Liked by 1 person

  23. June 2, 2016 at 5:40 pm

    Dear Ali,

    It’s what we folks here in the States refer to as “a real fixer-upper”. Clever real estate agent.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • June 3, 2016 at 6:40 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      It’s what we in the UK refer to as “a real dump” :-). No, we use “fixer-upper” as well! It’s all in the patter, sales-wise.
      Ali

      Like

  24. June 2, 2016 at 7:05 pm

    Where do I hand in the deposit?

    Like

  25. June 3, 2016 at 3:01 am

    obviously, they need a realtor who can sell a dream. 🙂

    Like

    • June 3, 2016 at 6:47 am

      That’s what estate agents do. Of course, sometimes it turns into a nightmare (once you’ve parted with your cash) 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  26. June 3, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Haha. Oh, I love this one, Ali! This reminds me of a elf game I played where anytime during the game the board can be turned. It also reminds of this story where this guy was set to buy this beautiful house and right before he handed over the checked he asked, “This faces south?” and then he didn’t buy it! Just thought I’d share…This is a very creative piece. I think one of your best!

    Like

    • June 3, 2016 at 7:50 am

      Turning the board would certainly add a bit of a “twist” (haha) to a game!
      A lot of people are dead set on a house facing the “right way” – I admit, I would quite like some sun in my living room at some point before 6pm, though it was not a deal-breaker for me.
      I’m glad you enjoyed my story 🙂

      Like

  27. mickwynn2013
    June 3, 2016 at 9:27 am

    Great little amusing story with jokes running throughout. Love the way it has to be sold for a commune of 20 otherwise they can’t turn the house.

    Like

    • June 3, 2016 at 10:42 am

      I thought it would be a shame if the facility was there but the manpower lacking!
      I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      Like

  28. June 3, 2016 at 10:58 am

    ha ha. “commune of 20+” is a great marketing twist.

    Like

    • June 3, 2016 at 11:58 am

      I bet they’d get plenty of takers too 🙂

      Like

  29. June 3, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Sold! – A super take on the prompt

    Like

  30. June 4, 2016 at 5:41 am

    You could get by…with a little help from your friends.

    Like

  31. June 5, 2016 at 8:35 am

    Very clever – I like your thinking 🙂

    Like

  32. June 5, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    Funny. Having just suffered through a few months of real estate hunting, your story really made me chuckle.

    Like

    • June 6, 2016 at 7:05 am

      “Suffered” is definitely the right word. I’m glad you liked my story!

      Liked by 1 person

  33. June 7, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    A real bargain at the price, I’d say. What more could anyone ask than a rotating house, especially at this time of year? And ‘ideal for back to nature commune’ is a great description – but, somehow, it might prove a little far-etched when the hovel…er house…is actually viewed. A really fun read! 🙂

    Like

    • June 8, 2016 at 7:33 am

      When has an estate agent’s description ever matched reality?!
      My next door neighbour is selling her house and the photo of her driveway (which is next to mine) makes it look like you could park two busses on it because they’ve used a weird angle and probably a special lens. Two (short) cars really close together, in reality.
      I’m glad you enjoyed my story!

      Like

  34. June 8, 2016 at 4:25 am

    That was fun… goes to show, you can’t always believe the sales pitch!

    Like

    • June 8, 2016 at 7:36 am

      When it comes to buying a house, you can’t ever trust the sales pitch!

      Liked by 1 person

  35. June 13, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    I like the way the cottage looks, but I wouldn’t want to live there all year round.

    Like

    • June 14, 2016 at 3:36 pm

      No, it’s more of a “week away” type of a place.

      Like

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Speak to me - I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: