Home > Fiction, Just Silly > Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019

Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019

It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…”ย That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…

I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…

Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage ๐Ÿ˜ฆ


The nameโ€™s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. Iโ€™m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.

There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.

I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.

I love big nuts.

This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.

Thatโ€™s quite a woman, eating my nuts.

She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her Iโ€™m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her thatโ€™s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.

I expose my organ.

She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard.ย  I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.

I ask if sheโ€™d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.

She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but canโ€™t remember who with. It was dark, she says.

She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesnโ€™t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.

She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.

Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.

Told you I was a big dick.

  1. February 24, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    Good one!

    Like

  2. February 24, 2019 at 7:17 pm

    Holy crap! And I thought Shelf Critter Theatre was lewd and inappropriate. I wanted a squirrel who walked into a bar, and you gave me a squirrel who’s a big dick getting his organ cleaned and his nuts eaten by some hussy! God, I laughed all the way through this! And thank you for bringing back the DraliDoodles! As someone who masters in it, I very much enjoy bad art…. especially when it is used for questionable reasons. Thanks for taking the time to enter and best of luck!

    BTW, Mitzi and Snuggle both asked if they can come to work for your blog. Such loyalty my critters have…

    Like

    • February 24, 2019 at 7:33 pm

      The less time I have, the ruder it gets… the doodles took bloody ages, though. Well, an hour. I thought COW was an appropriate forum to bring them back!
      I imagine evil producer Mr E. Squirrel has the entire SCT cast locked into life-time contracts – and in Buster’s case, multiple lifetimes…

      Like

  3. February 24, 2019 at 8:41 pm

    HAHAHAHA! I always enjoy a good dicktective story! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Like

  4. February 24, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    This was awesome. I hope you win! lol

    Like

    • February 25, 2019 at 12:34 pm

      Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  5. February 24, 2019 at 9:06 pm

    Wow. The sartorial elegance of your characters is amazing, and that organ is a joy to behold!

    Like

  6. February 24, 2019 at 9:21 pm

    yes, your adolescent brain was hard at work.

    Like

  7. February 25, 2019 at 11:28 am

    The artwork is outstanding, and the case was easy indeed ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

  8. February 26, 2019 at 2:50 am

    I like a big dick who like big nuts. it has a certain elegant symmetry.

    Like

  9. February 26, 2019 at 3:38 am

    Thanks for making me laugh in tear.

    Like

  10. February 26, 2019 at 6:31 am

    I don’t have any experience of this kind of art but came to know something from this article. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  11. February 26, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    Haha! Case closed, easy. Great stuff!

    Like

    • February 26, 2019 at 7:47 pm

      Not many cases are that open and closed!

      Like

  12. February 26, 2019 at 4:15 pm

    I was going to write mine today but I’m about to just bow down and say, “Hail Draliman.” This was F__ing brilliant. Love the drawings. Thank you for once again being a HUGE part of the Contest of Whatever, a friend to Squirrels (and to ES and me) and for sharing all of your wit and wonder. Cheers!

    Like

    • February 26, 2019 at 7:55 pm

      The COW is fun to do ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m looking forward to reading yours, there are a few pingbacks on ES’s original post now so the entries are rolling in. It was fun to do some doodles again, even though I’m no Banksy!
      I’m so glad you enjoyed my entry, and thank you for such a lovely comment ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  13. February 26, 2019 at 8:46 pm

    Very funny! I liked all the double meaning in your story, and the doodles were an added treat! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • February 27, 2019 at 7:26 pm

      I’m glad you liked it! And I reckon my complete lack of any artistic talent makes the doodles even funnier ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  14. Author Mandy White
    March 1, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    Hahahaha! That was fun! I’m a sucker for double meanings, innuendos, and in-your-endos. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ‘

    Like

    • March 1, 2019 at 2:50 pm

      Ha, “in-your-endos”, nicely done ๐Ÿ™‚
      Back when I was at Sixth Form we got hooked on an age-18-and-over comic called Viz, one of our favourite characters being “Finbarr Saunders and his Double Entendres”.
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  15. March 1, 2019 at 2:46 pm

    First things first – your artwork rocks….you even stayed in the lines (!)…..the story is so hilarious I got to the end of reading it and had to go back for seconds. Yeah, I did just say that. Good luck in the contest – I know ES will love this one – so will Mitzi!

    Hugs, Pam

    Like

    • March 1, 2019 at 2:55 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, and the pictures! I’ve got one of those little drawing tablets you plug into your computer because, you know, we genius artists need to have the professional equipment ๐Ÿ™‚
      I believe Mitzi was indeed a bit fan! Thanks for your lovely comment ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  16. March 1, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    Dude! Squirrellina has your nut. A big nut. Those nibbles round the edges (just playful y’all…no nuts were hurt in the scene, this is a non-toxic work environment) are from the bears. I told them to keep that big nut away, but do critters listen?? NO! Now as to you being a big dick. Well I know several … ah…. CUSTOMERS who might take you up on your offer. They have cash or stash…your choice. Just write any GPO (not to be confused with GTO..that’s another story – I’m talkin’ General Post Office) and put “Slutty Bear Inc” on the address line. They’ll know who she is. Oh? Big nuts are expensive to ship, so maybe trade-sies are in order? And Slutty? Is glad there’s at least one big dick she’s never experienced…

    Like

    • March 1, 2019 at 8:26 pm

      I like “Slutty Bear Inc”. Though it’s possible ES’s Snuggle Bear has already trademarked that one…

      Like

  1. March 1, 2019 at 12:40 pm

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