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Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019

February 24, 2019 38 comments

It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…

I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…

Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦


The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.

There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.

I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.

I love big nuts.

This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.

That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.

She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.

I expose my organ.

She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard.  I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.

I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.

She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.

She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.

She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.

Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.

Told you I was a big dick.

Tolerance Wood – a COW story

February 25, 2018 33 comments

Another year, another February and it’s time for the Contest of Whatever hosted by Evil Squirrel over at the Nest.

Ah, February. Not the best month, with audits and long work days. Nevertheless, I have popped something together! It’s not the best but I’m sure you will applaud my mastery of Photoshop.

This year we had to incorporate elements from three different pictures chosen by ES. Here is my entry, “Tolerance Wood”. In the true spirit of the Nest, it’s not family friendly 🙂


It was a quiet and peaceful day in Tolerance Wood, when suddenly…

“Dada, Dada!”

“What is it, dog I found wandering lost I’ve asked not to call me ‘dad’ but won’t listen?”

“I saw the most awful thing in the woods. A man and a… a pig in a bath tub. Knowing each other. In a carnal fashion.”

“Are you sure, dog?”

“Yes, Dada, yes! Well, if the expression on the man’s face was any judge. It is etched into my memory.”

“Well, dog. We live lives of understanding and acceptance here in Tolerance Wood and I’m sure that all is well. Let’s go and see if the brothers Nintendo know what is happening.”

And so, teddy bear and dog went to visit the brothers Nintendo. They soon found them bouncing up and down on mushrooms catching coins and power-ups and whatever else they do. I’ve not played the game myself.

“Brothers Nintendo! Dog has seen a most wondrous thing in the woods! A liaison twixt man and beast, and our tolerance and acceptance demands that we greet those involved and welcome them to our forest.”

And so off they all went, and soon found the pair together in their little house.

“Hello and welcome to Tolerance Wood! I am Teddy, this is dog and these are the brothers Nintendo. And a strange green thing.”

“Thank you! We are new here, and much in love, but have been hounded from place to place on account of our unconventional love. We thought that a wood called ‘Tolerance’ would be just perfect.”

“Here in Tolerance Wood, all are welcome. We are accepting of all, and love between man and pig is no exception… wait, what am I saying? This is an affront to nature! String them up!”

“String them up! Lynch mob! Lynch mob!”

And so, with the bodies of man and beast swinging merrily in the trees, everyone went home and had a nice cup of tea. Because evidently ‘Tolerance’ will only go so far.

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