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Backwards Day! – COW 2023
Here is my entry for Evil Squirrel’s Contest Of Whatever 2023! The theme this year is (drum roll) “November 31st”!
I couldn’t bring any of my initial duff ideas to fruition so I fell back on writing a poem. Yes, a poem!
I know, right?
A warning to anyone who doesn’t read Evil Squirrel’s Nest (and if not, why not?) – this is very specific to the critters who infest the Nest. But you can always critique me on my dodgy rhyming and shitty scanning.
A poem for COW 2023
A quite tricky day, that none can remember,
Today is quite odd, 31st of November!
Here come the critters, but everything’s changed,
They’re all topsy-turvey, psyches rearranged.
First up is Mitzi, they say quite a bimbo,
But here she comes trotting, her hooves NOT akimbo!
Next up is Zeeba, but wait – is this real?
No blood can I see, she’s become quite gentile!
And here is the Pres, he’s arrogant, the Boss,
But look here today, he’s quite at a loss!
It’s just past 4:20 and now here comes Fuzzy,
He’s not stoned at all, his head clear, not muzzy!
And Snuggle and Big Scrat, they do love to hate,
But just for today they’ve become best of mates!
And finally Buster, a tear in his eye,
He’s made it right through, and hasn’t yet died!
I’ll leave you now reader, doubtless wanting more,
Because very soon all will be as before,
The critters will be back, but just as they were,
That is, until next we see 31 November.
The Ninth CoW – Critter!
It’s that time of the year again! It’s Evil Squirrel’s Ninth Annual Contest of Whatever! Woohoo!
This year we’ve been given a picture of a critter. Who is he/she? What is he/she? That’s our job. It’s backstory time!
I have decided to write a little poem. Since I can’t write poetry, I am using a poetic structure I have made up called “random pentameter”. This means that it doesn’t have to scan or rhyme and things change from verse to verse. I can see it becoming quite popular.
The fact is clear, for all to see
From rhino to tiniest bumblebee
Our poor little friend is obviously
Butt ugly.
His favourite story, the ugly duck
Became a swan
He hoped this for himself
But no such luck.
Wandering the world alone
No luggage, anything, not e’en a phone
He chanced upon a place, it was the best
He’d found the Evil Squirrel’s Nest!
In Shelf Critter Theatre(R)(TM)(c) he became a God
Always watching out for the underdog
Exalted above all the rest
In every episode at the Nest.
He was so happy
So carefree
It really was a sight to see
On a natural high
He carelessly
Walked into the road with little fuss
And was run over by the Number 19 bus.
Wait, wait wait, some of you probably wanted a happy ending? Here you go.
There was no strife
Within his life
Our critter even found a wife!
Isn’t that nice.
Contest of Whatever 2021
Every year, Evil Squirrel hosts a contest, and this year, the theme is the letter “X”. So here goes…
Okay, that was a bit weak. For the avoidance of doubt, that’s a dog in the picture above. Marvel at my art skills!
Let’s have a story full of magic and horrible accidents! Accidents? Or something else…
“Wozzup?”
“I have cursed my nemesis, PG, with an X!”
“Don’t you mean a ‘hex’?”
“‘Hex’? Don’t be ridiculous! It’s X! Terrible things will befall him!”
“Well, it’s ‘hex’ so they won’t.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s ‘hex’, I tell you, PG will be perfectly safe.”
“Who’s the witch around here? I know what I’m talking about, dammit!”
“You know nothing. PG and I will laugh about this later down the pub.”
“There will be no ‘later down the pub’, I tell you. PG is X’ed and will not survive the afternoon!”
“Moron. I’m off. To meet PG.”
“We shall see, oh yes, we shall see bwahahahahaha!”
The Seventh Annual Content of Whatever
Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again. Time for Evil Squirrel’s Annual Contest of Whatever!
This year the talented folks at DraliDoodlesTM have got a little pen to draw on their Surface Pro, and unfortunately they’re not afraid to use it. So they’ve used it exclusively.
No complicated rules like “it has to include two possums, a priest, a dinosaur and the Titanic” this year. The theme is simply “Murphy’s Law” (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong).
Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019
It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…
I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…
Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦
The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.
There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.
I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.
I love big nuts.
This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.
That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.
She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.
I expose my organ.
She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard. I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.
I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.
She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.
She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.
She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.
Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.
Told you I was a big dick.
Tolerance Wood – a COW story
Another year, another February and it’s time for the Contest of Whatever hosted by Evil Squirrel over at the Nest.
Ah, February. Not the best month, with audits and long work days. Nevertheless, I have popped something together! It’s not the best but I’m sure you will applaud my mastery of Photoshop.
This year we had to incorporate elements from three different pictures chosen by ES. Here is my entry, “Tolerance Wood”. In the true spirit of the Nest, it’s not family friendly 🙂
It was a quiet and peaceful day in Tolerance Wood, when suddenly…
“Dada, Dada!”
“What is it, dog I found wandering lost I’ve asked not to call me ‘dad’ but won’t listen?”
“I saw the most awful thing in the woods. A man and a… a pig in a bath tub. Knowing each other. In a carnal fashion.”
“Are you sure, dog?”
“Yes, Dada, yes! Well, if the expression on the man’s face was any judge. It is etched into my memory.”
“Well, dog. We live lives of understanding and acceptance here in Tolerance Wood and I’m sure that all is well. Let’s go and see if the brothers Nintendo know what is happening.”
And so, teddy bear and dog went to visit the brothers Nintendo. They soon found them bouncing up and down on mushrooms catching coins and power-ups and whatever else they do. I’ve not played the game myself.
“Brothers Nintendo! Dog has seen a most wondrous thing in the woods! A liaison twixt man and beast, and our tolerance and acceptance demands that we greet those involved and welcome them to our forest.”
And so off they all went, and soon found the pair together in their little house.
“Hello and welcome to Tolerance Wood! I am Teddy, this is dog and these are the brothers Nintendo. And a strange green thing.”
“Thank you! We are new here, and much in love, but have been hounded from place to place on account of our unconventional love. We thought that a wood called ‘Tolerance’ would be just perfect.”
“Here in Tolerance Wood, all are welcome. We are accepting of all, and love between man and pig is no exception… wait, what am I saying? This is an affront to nature! String them up!”
“String them up! Lynch mob! Lynch mob!”
And so, with the bodies of man and beast swinging merrily in the trees, everyone went home and had a nice cup of tea. Because evidently ‘Tolerance’ will only go so far.
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Woohoo!
I totally didn't win!
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