Home > Fiction > FF – Bottled, Not Free

FF – Bottled, Not Free

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Marie Gail Stratford.

One water. Sir is most welcome. Three pounds and fifty pence, please.

Why, Sir? It’s water. Bottled. Of course it’s not free. You jest, Sir.

There’s no need to take that tone, Sir. It is superior in every way to tap water, Sir.

How? Might I read Sir the label? Bubbling up from a natural spring in the highest mountains, this water has been naturally filtered through ancient rocks, Sir.

If Sir wishes to be like that about it, might I suggest Sir gulps from a tap?

And I’m sure Sir’s mother also resembles a baboon’s hindquarters. Good day to you, Sir.

  1. January 27, 2021 at 8:20 pm

    In general, the tap water is probably safer

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 28, 2021 at 5:43 am

      Yes, I want my water properly chemically filtered, thanks.


  2. January 27, 2021 at 8:37 pm

    Would Sir like a bottle of Swiss Mountain air while he is waiting?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. January 27, 2021 at 10:03 pm

    I’m sure at this point, all water’s as dangerous to drink as the air is to breathe, clean as a baboon’s hindquarters.


    • January 28, 2021 at 5:47 am

      It’s a deliberate scheme so that those not used to it (ie alien invaders) instantly drop dead upon arrival.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. January 27, 2021 at 10:50 pm

    I was laughing so much I spilled my bottled water! 😀


    • January 28, 2021 at 5:53 am

      You’ve gotta be more careful, that stuff is expensive 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. January 27, 2021 at 10:59 pm

    It is probably one of the biggest scams going to be fair!


    • January 28, 2021 at 5:54 am

      Flavoured and/or sparkling water I can understand, but a Britta filter jug does clean fresh-tasting water just as well as bottled still water.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. January 28, 2021 at 11:49 am

    YAY! I’d recognize Mr. Fox’s dialogue anywhere! And of course he’s smart enough not to waste money on that bottled sewage! Hooray for tap water!


    • January 29, 2021 at 5:33 am

      The trademark Mr Fox dots! He’s cunning as a (Mr) fox…


  7. January 28, 2021 at 12:58 pm

    Dear Ali,

    One finds herself enjoying the tone of the conversation between two sirs who, for all their manners, might come to blows at any given moment. Bottoms up.




    • January 29, 2021 at 5:38 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      One of the things I enjoyed most about Downton Abbey was the way they were so very polite and civilised, yet managed to rip into each other with such cutting and passive-aggressive barbs 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. January 28, 2021 at 2:35 pm

    Beer is 95% water, I’d pay an extra quid and have a pint of that – sir!


  9. January 28, 2021 at 3:59 pm

    Sir would do better to order some soda, and at least have something to put on airs about … 😉


    • January 29, 2021 at 5:48 am

      Gimme a Coke, I say 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • January 29, 2021 at 3:36 pm

        Hmm … just as long as it is not root beer … which is like, um, mouth wash … 😉


        • January 30, 2021 at 4:43 am

          I’ll take your word for it – of all the things that have wandered across the Pond, root beer isn’t (as far as I’m aware) one of them 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  10. January 28, 2021 at 5:39 pm

    Sir just doesn’t know how to appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit, does he? 😀


    • January 29, 2021 at 5:50 am

      He doesn’t! It takes real inspiration to fill up bottles with water and charge for it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. January 28, 2021 at 7:42 pm

    bottled water is expensive because of the convenience it provides especially for tourists. 🙂


  12. January 28, 2021 at 9:20 pm



  13. January 29, 2021 at 8:50 am

    No need to bring his mother into it. I am sure if they could bottle air people would buy it.


  14. January 29, 2021 at 9:52 am

    A disdainful monologue, nicely done.


    • January 30, 2021 at 4:42 am

      Thanks, I like polite yet cutting conversation. “Downton Abbey dinner table talk” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. January 29, 2021 at 6:24 pm

    haha, the price of bottled water was one of my ideas too – I’m glad someone else ran with that!


    • January 30, 2021 at 4:48 am

      I’m not a fan of tap water, but I found you can get that “bottled water experience” with a Britta filter jug for a fraction of the price 🙂


  16. January 29, 2021 at 7:04 pm

    I was laughing even before that last line 🙂


  17. January 30, 2021 at 5:19 am

    I love the tone of this, Ali. All so upper crust and full of politeness… I remember laughing at the French for buying bottled water years before it was in vogue over on this side… Who would have thought it would become a ridiculous industry…


    • January 30, 2021 at 5:35 am

      I like flavoured sparkling water but can’t be bothered with the still stuff. A water filtering jug does the same job.
      Upper crust polite insults is one of my favourite things about Downton Abbey 🙂


      • January 30, 2021 at 5:52 am

        I do front the still stuff but you won’t see me buying those disposable bottles unless I’ve no other option!
        Downton Abbey was sooooo good

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Lyn
    January 30, 2021 at 9:12 am

    You certainly have a way with words, my friend. So funny. 😀


  19. January 30, 2021 at 11:28 am

    Hahaha 😀 What can I say? IMHO, both are sham – the upper crust and bottled water. Thanks for the laugh 😀


    • January 31, 2021 at 5:19 am

      I’m glad it made you laugh 🙂


  20. January 30, 2021 at 1:45 pm

    Love your story Ali, especially using the voice of the ascerbic waiter! Very cleverly done and funny, especially the last line !


    • January 31, 2021 at 5:19 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  21. January 31, 2021 at 4:44 am

    Well sir, I must admit bottled water tastes better in many places.


    • January 31, 2021 at 5:20 am

      Better than tap water, certainly, but my Britta filter jug does much the same job for less money 🙂


  22. January 31, 2021 at 10:13 pm

    This was a very funny exchange and polite too–at least on the waiter’s part.


    • February 1, 2021 at 5:49 am

      He is a consummate professional 🙂


  23. February 1, 2021 at 8:41 am

    I loved the British stiff upper lip sarcasm here. Just my type of comedy!


  24. February 3, 2021 at 3:04 am

    I have a feeling someone is going to be sirry.


  25. February 5, 2021 at 4:18 pm

    I can’t believe that ‘root beer’ is not a thing! A root beer poured over vanilla ice cream for a root beer float…. AWESOME!


    • February 6, 2021 at 4:24 am

      No, I’ve never seen any over here. Just references in American TV.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. February 7, 2021 at 9:33 pm

    CocaCola has a big factory and distribution in the place I’m from in Norway. They fill water from the tap, the same tap water that my mother has in her house. It’s sold at 7Eleven for forty Crowns, I guess more or less four pounds. And the tap water in Norway is free. Quite a business.


    • February 8, 2021 at 5:49 am

      Well, they’ve got quite a good thing going on there! Reminds me of an old episode from a British sitcom, “Only Fools and Horses”, where the main character did something similar.


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