Home > Fiction > FF – Dumping Your Missus

FF – Dumping Your Missus

Here is my post for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

How to Dump Your Missus Chapter 1 – Property Disappointment

“We’re here, love of my life, open your eyes!”

“Waaaa! What a shit hole! You bought this without telling me?”

“Come on up, my love. The lift is sadly broken.”

“Urgh. Is that guy dead?”

“Just ignore him, my sweet. He looks perfectly happy there with his syringe.”

“…”

“Hello, little boy, do you live here, and my, what a big knife you have!”

“Eeek!”

“Here we are my sugar-topped cupcake, floor 97 and our new flat!”

“Forget it! The wedding’s off! Goodbye forever, loser!”

Yes, result! Thanks, ‘How to Dump Your Missus’! Now I just have to offload this appalling property…

  1. March 3, 2021 at 8:29 pm

    A cunning scoundrel

    Like

  2. March 3, 2021 at 8:32 pm

    HAHAHA! Too funny! 😀

    Like

  3. March 3, 2021 at 9:04 pm

    Worth every penny! 😉

    Like

  4. March 3, 2021 at 10:21 pm

    You can’t fore me, I quit! Very clever!

    Like

  5. March 3, 2021 at 10:33 pm

    A cool story! ❤

    Like

    • March 4, 2021 at 7:44 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂

      Like

  6. March 3, 2021 at 11:35 pm

    Really! The lengths some people will go to avoid saying “We’re through.” I wonder how he goes about it when he wants to quit his job? Another writing challenge for you, Ali. 😉

    Like

    • March 4, 2021 at 7:47 am

      He sounds like the sort of person who very much goes to extremes 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Lyn
    March 4, 2021 at 3:28 am

    Diabolical mind!! 😀

    Like

    • March 4, 2021 at 7:50 am

      He’s a cunning one and no mistake 🙂

      Like

  8. March 4, 2021 at 2:51 pm

    Brilliant Ali, every line a winner!

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:13 am

      It certainly worked for him, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  9. March 4, 2021 at 3:27 pm

    When I saw the title of this post along with the photo of the stairs… and knowing your sense of humor, I thought it was going to be a different kind of “dumping” of the missus! I guess there were too many witnesses, though, what with the gentleman with the syringe and the cute little boy with the knife…

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:20 am

      Ha, yes, it could have gone a little more violently. But as you say there is a number of reputable witnesses around…

      Like

  10. March 4, 2021 at 4:03 pm

    Seems like quite an extreme just to dump your girlfriend. Costly. I wonder if he’ll recoup his money.

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:21 am

      He thinks it’s worth it! He’ll probably never get all his money back, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. March 4, 2021 at 5:32 pm

    If it was investment property, that might be okay. I then realized that some people would be happy to have even this, which most of us think is uninhabitable. Then I felt sad.

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:26 am

      Yes, it’s better than nowhere at all.

      Like

  12. Mer O'Leary
    March 4, 2021 at 6:31 pm

    I agree with ES. No shoddily dug grave? A bit of arsenic in her tea?
    Good one, though. No carnage is sometimes nice for a change.

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:28 am

      Yeah, I missed a trick there. She could have been pushed down the stairs, got stabbed with a needle on the way down and ended up at the bottom impaled on the little kid’s knife 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. March 4, 2021 at 7:39 pm

    She tried to give him a chance, but no – it just got worse and worse. did he have to buy the place? He could have just pretended, maybe she has had a lucky escape from such a dummy.

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:28 am

      Yes, it does seem as if he’ll go to ridiculous extremes to accomplish the simplest of tasks!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. March 4, 2021 at 7:42 pm

    That is cold, man. Plus, think of the property taxes and liability issues. Too funny.

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:32 am

      He hasn’t really thought it through, I don’t think!

      Like

  15. March 4, 2021 at 9:13 pm

    Clever idea, but wait until it happens to him. Karma has her way. haha. Funny tale, Ali!

    Like

  16. March 4, 2021 at 9:25 pm

    place’s not fit for a queen. i don’t blame her at all. 🙂

    Like

  17. March 5, 2021 at 1:21 am

    ha ha, well it worked! 😉

    Like

  18. March 5, 2021 at 7:11 am

    Only thing missing – the vermin. Mission accomplished!

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 8:41 am

      I expect they’re there somewhere. Lying in wait in the flat in case she made it that far 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. March 5, 2021 at 10:04 am

    Efficient as hell, and no hurt feelings, no broken hearts. He’s a good man.

    Like

  20. March 5, 2021 at 1:26 pm

    Dear Ali,

    It seems to me he went to an awful lot of trouble. At least she leaves feeling she broke it off. At any rate, I’d say she’s better off without him.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Like

    • March 5, 2021 at 2:31 pm

      Dear Rochelle,

      Yes, everyone’s a winner! Except for his bank balance.

      Ali

      Like

  21. March 5, 2021 at 11:26 pm

    Wonderful description of the soon-to-be bridal suite. Irresistible, but only to cockroaches. He could always turn it into a rental property like so many others do.

    Like

  22. March 6, 2021 at 10:16 pm

    Sugar-topped cupcake? With a chat-up line like that I’m amazed he even got to first base with her. Uproarious, Ali – great read!

    Like

  23. March 7, 2021 at 12:24 pm

    Very funny story Ali – just love the contrast between the seedy joint and his terms of endearment – like sugar-topped cupcake ! Most inventive.

    Like

    • March 7, 2021 at 5:06 pm

      He’s a cunning one, knows just what he’s doing to achieve his goal 🙂

      Like

  24. March 8, 2021 at 6:18 am

    He must have been desperate to go through such lengths!

    Like

    • March 9, 2021 at 5:42 am

      Yes, you’d think that the standard “it’s not you, it’s me” speech would have been a lot cheaper and less hassle!

      Liked by 1 person

  25. March 9, 2021 at 1:15 pm

    If this is only Chapter 1, does it mean that the missus will have a miraculous change of heart and agree that it would be a great place to live after all (she’d always wanted to live dangerously), and that they should get married after all? 😁

    Like

  26. March 25, 2021 at 9:57 pm

    Genius!

    Like

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