Home > Fiction > FF – The Full Countryside

FF – The Full Countryside

Here is my post for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sandra Crook.

I did go looking for my post for this photo from 2014 and eventually found it. But I decided to write a new one as it was a bit of a downer.

Copyright Sandra Crook

Thank you for booking your Staycation with Cowpat Farms Ltd.

Get a little extra with the Full Countryside Experience™!

For only £500 extra per person, we will:

  • Wake you up at 5am every day with a strategically-placed cockerel
  • Smear animal poo on your windows for that amazing country smell
  • Arrange to have you randomly assaulted by authentic-looking xenophobic locals
  • Ensure every direction you ask for starts with the phrase “you don’t want to go there from here”
  • Pay a tractor driver to hold you up on every day trip
  • Fill the road with sheep

Book now to avoid disappointment!

  1. September 8, 2021 at 3:16 pm

    Lol! Great story! ❤


    • September 9, 2021 at 9:54 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  2. September 8, 2021 at 3:25 pm

    Hehehe, they’ll get insanely rich with this scheme.


    • September 9, 2021 at 9:56 am

      There are bound to be people wanting to try it, even though most of it will probably happen anyway 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. September 8, 2021 at 3:53 pm

    Sounds like my life up to age 16!


  4. September 8, 2021 at 4:15 pm

    hehehe! I’m having reservations about my reservation.

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 10, 2021 at 4:51 am

      Hee 🙂 Give it a go, I hear it’s a “unique” experience 😮

      Liked by 1 person

  5. September 8, 2021 at 4:58 pm

    The great thing about the outdoors, in that memorable phrase, is it’s just one big toilet


    • September 10, 2021 at 4:52 am

      Yes, you get it! Would you like to be Cowpat Farms’ spokesperson?


  6. September 8, 2021 at 5:10 pm

    Just the experience I was looking for.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 10, 2021 at 5:04 am

      I’m glad that we at Cowpat Farms could oblige!


  7. Wild Child47
    September 8, 2021 at 7:14 pm

    Oh, Brilliant fun take on this prompt! Had me doubled over laughing. 🙂


  8. September 8, 2021 at 9:28 pm

    They might find some takers! Well done.


    • September 10, 2021 at 5:06 am

      There’s bound to be someone… 🙂


  9. September 9, 2021 at 3:23 am

    Chuckling as I read. Sounds about right. People will pay big $$ for an authentic experience, no matter how unpleasant it is.


    • September 13, 2021 at 5:53 am

      For sure they will! Then they can boast about it to their friends back in the wine bar at home 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. September 9, 2021 at 12:59 pm

    Sounds perfectly charming! I do hope there will be possum pie served for supper…


    • September 10, 2021 at 5:12 am

      Every tractor has a “roadkill runner” alongside to collect supper…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. September 9, 2021 at 1:00 pm

    Dear Ali,

    Sounds like the idyllic holiday. Afraid I’ll have to pass this year. 😉




    • September 10, 2021 at 5:12 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      Maybe next year. They have more big ideas for 2022 🙂


  12. September 9, 2021 at 2:01 pm

    £400 and you’ve got yourself a deal! It’ll be like going back to my childhood.

    Here’s mine!


  13. Michael Humphris
    September 9, 2021 at 4:10 pm

    I think not, but you made me laugh, thank you


    • September 10, 2021 at 5:18 am

      Aw, give it a go! I’m glad you liked it.


  14. September 9, 2021 at 11:24 pm

    Hilarious and original take on the prompt!


    • September 10, 2021 at 5:20 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it!


  15. September 10, 2021 at 1:49 am

    it looks like a vacation from hell. good luck to the takers who they might be. 🙂


  16. September 10, 2021 at 9:35 am

    Sounds idyllic. 😦


    • September 10, 2021 at 12:53 pm

      It’s strictly for the countryside connoisseur!


  17. Mer O'Leary
    September 10, 2021 at 2:19 pm

    I do so love that fresh animal poo smell. 🙂


  18. Lyn
    September 11, 2021 at 6:45 am

    LOL having grown up on a farm with masses of animal poo, long hours, very few playing hours, I don’t think I’ll even take a rain check on that farm stay 🐔🐾🐍🚜


  19. Bear
    September 11, 2021 at 3:02 pm

    Oh,,, I LOVE IT! Sounds like September in my home town… when both the farmers and the college students come back to town. LOL! I love the extra touch of manure on the windows… Ah, but you forgot the fly tape that whips out to restyle your hair! LOL! Oh, and the mice that run up your pant leg just for that little extra touch of fright! ROFLMAO! this one was just too too much fun. I can’t seem to stop myself…. chortles and snorts.


    • September 12, 2021 at 4:29 am

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it 🙂 You just can’t beat living in the country, can you? City dwellers down for a bit of a holiday don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bear
        September 12, 2021 at 3:26 pm

        I LOVE… I mean, really LOVE… tormenting “city people” …especially at the campground that has it’s own wandering albino skunk. It’s as tame as can be, but the citydwellers don’t know that all it wants is a little bit of fruit and it will go away. Instead they scream which scares the little lass… and you know what follows. It really is quite hilarious to watch from a spray safe distance…


  20. September 11, 2021 at 3:44 pm

    Heehee! It would be even better as part of a camping holiday! I have happy childhood memories of hearing cattle munching grass, so close to the tent you could hear every fart…
    Great take on the prompt, Ali!


    • September 12, 2021 at 4:29 am

      Getting back to nature, big time 🙂


  21. September 12, 2021 at 5:18 pm

    An idyllic vacation in fact, lol. One man’s hell is another’s paradise. It’s all in the advertising. :>)


    • September 13, 2021 at 5:54 am

      And I reckon that Cowpat Farms has definitely nailed that 🙂


  22. September 13, 2021 at 8:34 am

    And, as a token of our appreciation, and a rememberance of your stay: a bottle of eau de cow no. 5.
    After COVID lockdowns and travel restrictions, there will be a waiting list to stay at Cowpat Farms.
    Book me in for atleast two weeks. (smile.)


    • September 16, 2021 at 5:36 am

      Yay, the bookings are rolling in! A little smell of the country to take home is a great idea 🙂


      • September 16, 2021 at 12:08 pm

        Glad you like the idea. With all the bookings, better get bottling, : )

        Liked by 1 person

  23. September 13, 2021 at 10:39 am

    Your story made me smile – love the upbeat tone of the advert and the truly comprehensive list of rural no no’s !


    • September 16, 2021 at 5:37 am

      Cowpat Farms pulled out all the stops on their advert 🙂


  24. September 26, 2021 at 10:11 pm

    I read an article short ago about rural tourism in Spain. The village had to put up a sign basically saying Deal With It after lots of complaints to the authorities about roosters sounding in the morning (but you have to do something! This can’t go on like this, I can’t sleep!), Tractor notice and such. And in Norway there’s been a resent conflict between cabin owners and cows (pretty much the cabin owners doesn’t want cows around).

    I guess the city isn’t such a bad place after all


    • September 27, 2021 at 5:43 am

      I’ve heard similar stories about people complaining about normal rural stuff in France. The countryside is noisy and smelly, people!


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