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Yo Dude, Milord
Weekly Writing Challenge: Mind the Gap – Emails – Where do you stand on the grand salutation question?
Dear Sir/Madam. Hey man! Hi Frank!
Which to use and when? A knotty question. In the age of email, does it even matter? This isn’t a letter, after all.
However, emails are used as a faster form of letter. Standard post has been dubbed “snail mail” as it’s slower, but faster delivery should not necessarily mean one may be lax during composition.
Here is my handy guide. I find it’s often easiest to learn by example, so let’s look at some scenarios.
An email of complaint
In this scenario, we have bought defective goods. Maybe we should write a letter, but who has the time? Such an email needs to be fairly formal – “Hi Mr Managing Director” will not do. Take a look at a model example below.
Notice the formal wording and the polite salutation. However, this email contains an error. The sign-off should read “Yours sincerely”, as you have used the recipient’s name! Shocking. This one’s going straight into the digital trash. Be more careful!
An email to a friend
Of course, not all emails need to be quite so formal. You could be composing an invitation to a good friend, inviting them round to your abode for tea and biscuits, or some other healthy pursuit. For example:
As you can see, the content of this email is much less formal than in our previous example. As it is written to a close acquaintance it is still perfectly acceptable, of course!
An email to your boss
Often-times you may find yourself needing to write an email to your boss. Some formality is required here, of course – your career may be at stake. However, the chances are you know your boss quite well, so it need not be as formal as our “complaint” example. It also couldn’t hurt to pay said boss some compliments – maybe it could help win you that promotion!
Note that the author is not afraid to blow his own trumpet, and has signed off in such a way as to show all due respect – that promotion is in the bag!
Conclusion
I hope you have seen, through the examples presented here, the different and various ways one may compose one’s email depending on the situation. Please feel free to use any of these examples as a template for your own use.
Happy emailing!
A Brand to be Proud Of
This week’s Prompts for the Promptless asked us about brands – not the type they use on cattle, the type we use to identify oneself or one’s product.
DraliDoodles.
We’ve all seen them. It’s a brand synonymous with integrity, quality and value for money.
That is how I see DraliDoodles in the coming years. In order to promote this, I have fashioned a logo.
As you can see, I’ve pulled out all the stops on this one, as it has to be as professional as possible! I suppose it could have been in colour, but I have no coloured pens. Once DraliDoodles takes off, I’ll get a small business loan and invest in some. Or maybe I’ll tap my investors.
Can anyone see what’s missing from my logo?
“A graphic designer with actual talent?”
Who said that? No, I need a strapline (that’s “tagline” if you’re in the US).
To that end, I’ve thought up a few to try:
- Quality. Integrity. Professionalism. Cheap.
- You know it makes sense! (Possibly that one’s taken.)
- When there’s no-one else, call us!
- Because one day we’ll be famous
- We doodle because we care
Which do you think I should use? I think you’ll agree, they’re all pretty awesome.
And don’t worry, when I’m rich and famous and living on my own island, I’ll continue to post DraliDoodles here on my blog!
I’ll encrust them with real gold, though. Because I can.
The Beast of Drali Moor
Prompts for the Promptless – Cryptozoology is the search for legendary animals, usually in an attempt to evaluate or confirm the possibility of existence. This includes looking for living examples of animals that are considered extinct, such as dinosaurs; animals whose existence lacks physical evidence but which appear in myths, legends, or are reported, such as Bigfoot and Chupacabra; and wild animals dramatically outside their normal geographic ranges, such as phantom cats. The animals cryptozoologists study are often referred to as cryptids, a term coined by John Wall in 1983.
Drali Moor. A wide expanse of moorland, marshes and woodland stretching from the centre of the land across to the small coastal village of Drali-On-Sea. An area of outstanding natural beauty (if you like that sort of thing), it is home to a scattering of farmers, sheep and, some say, the “Beast of Drali Moor”.
Few have caught a glimpse of the beast; no pictures exist. However, those who claim to have seen it swear it is real.
Artist’s impression of the Beast.
It looked way scarier in my head.
Raaaaaar!
Daily Prompt: The Interview – Interview your favorite fictional character.
draliman: And welcome to “dralichat in the afternoon” here on Radio Drali!
(“Tune on in to dralichat, dralichat, DRALICHAT!“)
draliman: And this afternoon we have a very special guest, Mr The Incredible Hulk! Welcome to the show Mr Hulk, or can I call you Incredible?
Mr Hulk: Raaaaaaaar!
draliman: So, Mr Hulk it is. So, Mr Hulk, what made you want to get into the rampaging business?
Mr Hulk: Raaaaaaaar!
draliman: Okaaay, could you describe your typical day?
Mr Hulk: Raaaaaaaar!
draliman: Riiiight, and what do you see in your future? Another remake of a remake?
Mr Hulk: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!
draliman: Uh, no, don’t eat the furniture. Ha ha, sorry about this listeners! Please Mr Hulk, put the chair down!
Mr Hulk: Raaaar (munch munch munch) raaaaaaar!
draliman: No, please, my arm, oh God he’s got my arm, please tell me they can sew it back on, hey come back with my arm, uh (passes out)
Producer: Cut to commercials, cut to commercials!
“Mayhem in the Studio” by DraliDoodles(TM).
A Fluffy House
Daily Prompt: Mad Libs – Turn to your co-workers, kids, Facebook friends, family — anyone who’s accessible — and ask them to suggest an article, an adjective, and a noun. There’s your post title! Now write.
I wasn’t at work yesterday so I sent my friend three separate texts and he sent back “fluffy”, “a” and “house”. Hmm.
The Parable of A Fluffy House
Samuel took one last look in the mirror. Hair – check. Tie – correctly fastened. Shirt – immaculately pressed. Everything in order.
Samuel was a vain man. Arrogant and conceited, he was always perfectly dressed, spending upwards of an hour checking his appearance before leaving the house. A man of indeterminate age, opinions ranged from mid-thirties to early fifties.
An architect by trade, he had created a house designed to set him apart from the rest. Boasting twelve bedrooms, three bathrooms and a kitchen a chef would be proud of, it nestled against a hillside two miles outside of town.
All of this was nothing compared to the house’s crowning glory. Samuel smiled as he stroked the outside of the house. Soft, fluffy.
He had looked at other houses. The houses belonging to lesser people – people who were not him. They looked so bland. Concrete, brick, wood. This would not do. Samuel had covered the outside of his house, his masterpiece, with the softest and most luxuriant of fabrics.
People came from miles around to see his house. His house! They would take pictures (for a reasonable price, of course). They would spend time touching the fabric, running their fingers through the soft, deep fibres covering the walls (discounts available for parties over five persons).
Samuel was the envy of all. He basked in the adoration of the admiring crowds. He had reached his pinnacle!
Then the rains came. At first only a few solitary drops, then a heavy deluge. It rained day after day. The fabric covering Samuel’s house grew wetter and wetter, heavier and heavier.
The walls creaked. The timbers shook.
Three days after the rains began, Samuel’s house, his creation, the ultimate extension of his towering ego, slowly, almost gently, collapsed in upon itself under its own weight, until it was nothing more than a mound of wood and extremely expensive, extremely wet fabric.
People still came from miles around, not to admire but to laugh at Samuel’s house. At his foolishness.
And the moral of this story?
“Practicality before pride”
or
“The carpets go on the inside, dumb ass!”
Hello Spammers!
I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately. I get all these comments which fall into my spam box and I haven’t replied to any of them!
After all, these “people” have taken all the trouble to write/buy/steal a spamming engine. The least I can do is reply to them. At the end of the day, they did manage to cleverly bypass the Akismet spam filter, and judging on the number which get caught and removed, that couldn’t have been easy.
So, inspired by fellow blogger Goldfish’s amazingly funny “Dear Goldfish” series, here’s my replies to my spammers.
Fuck off.
Hang on, that’s not it. I was going to reply personally. Here goes.
“Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any trouble with hackers?”
Yes. You. Bugger off.
“Thanks for any other excellent article. The place else could anybody get that type of info in such a perfect method of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I am at the search for such info.”
“Any other excellent article”? What’s wrong with this article? Good luck with your presentation, by the way. I do hope it doesn’t have to be given in English.
“Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group?”
Yes. Yes, I would mind.
“It contrary to popular belief was obviously a amusement site it. Look advanced to far added acceptable in your favor! In addition, how could we speak?”
I’m very much afraid that if we did speak, I wouldn’t understand a word you were saying, as your words seem to spray out in a fairly random order.
“You definitely have amazing article content. Thanks a lot for revealing your webpage.”
This was in response to my Daily Prompt post “Ode to an Xbox“. This was not an “article”, nor did it contain any “amazing content”. I wrote it for a laugh in less than 15 minutes while simultaneously watching Eastenders on the telly. But thanks for your kind words anyway.
I think that’s all for now. I look forward to reading and replying to more of your automated drivel in the future!
Draliman’s Crazy Facts
Welcome, surfers of the Interweb! This is the first of a new series in which we investigate some of the world’s crazier events and attempt to answer some tricky questions.
1) Fastest 400m sprint
Mr Littlehands - no TARDIS required
The fastest time for a 400m sprint is claimed by Nigel Minihands of the sleepy rustic village of Little Chigglewood, in the year 1972. According to parish records, while the other runners raced off as the starting pistol fired, Mr Minihands merely jogged off, smiling and waving his hands. He claims that he ran so fast he travelled back in time and finished before anyone else had started.
Obviously, the other runners disputed this, but the judging panel was in two minds, being unable to prove things either way. While Mr Minihands attempted to blind the judges with science, the other runners shouted insults from the back of the room and pelted him with fairy cakes and miniature pasties. Sensing that the situation was beginning to turn nasty, and realising that the only remaining ammunition was Mrs Wilbur’s prize-winning trifle (a favourite among the judging panel), the judges came down on the side of the other runners and Sam Diggle was awarded gold.
Nigel Minihands, now in his 60s, disputes the judgment to this day.
2) The Leaning Tower of Pisa – but is it?
Everyone has heard of the famous Leaning Tower of Pisa. However, a little-known scientific study, conducted by Alberto Pizzeria in 1981, casts doubt on the common perception that it is the tower which is leaning. He postulated that the tower is actually standing straight and proud, and it is the rest of Italy which is actually leaning. In the course of his travels around Italy, he noticed that the sea on one side of Italy appeared to be “higher” than on the other, proving his point. Everyone, from the greatest scientists to a small child he met in Naples, told him that the tide was probably out when he visited the east coast and named him “the biggest idiot in the history of idiots”, but Signore Pizzeria would not listen and continues to gate-crash scientific symposia to this day armed only with his notebook and an unwavering belief that one day everyone will see the truth.
3) A caber toss of champions
Rare archive footage of Steve McAustin's run-up
The caber toss – the ancient Scottish sport of throwing a 68kg tree trunk as far as possible. Contrary to popular belief, the caber toss event is judged for style rather than distance thrown. The caber should remain upright as the athlete runs, spin when thrown and end up pointing straight away from the thrower. It is this that has cast the results of the 1975 Highland Games into question. In fact, the winner has yet be confirmed. The crowd roared in appreciation as various contestants threw the caber 20, 30 feet. Then a late entrant, Mr Steve McAustin visiting his ancestral home from the USA, threw the caber – and it failed to come down. The UK authorities contacted NASA, who confirmed that the caber eventually made land-fall on the Moon but – and this is the vital point – they couldn’t determine the orientation of the caber in relation to Mr McAustin. Therefore, the judges were unable to confirm the winner of the event.
A special mission to the moon, to be financed by Mr McAustin’s friend Mr Goldman, is scheduled for 2015. It is hoped that this will bring the 1975 Highland Games to a close.
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