Home > Fiction > An Unfortunate Choice of Lunch

An Unfortunate Choice of Lunch

It’s Thursday and high time for my entry for Friday Fictioneers, the weekly 100-ish word flash fiction challenge hosted by Rochelle.

This week’s photo has been contributed by fellow Fictioneerer Adam Ickes. To read the other contributions, click on the frog below.

My contribution this week is a bit random. But so’s the photo.


Copyright Adam Ickes


“Hello?” came a voice. “I need the Browski file.” A head poked round the corner. “Whaaaa… you’re a… a… sheep!”

“Indeed!” smiled Kevin, Ram in Charge (records department). “Never fear. We love humans, us.”

“Absolutely love ‘em, yes,” echoed the goat at the next desk.

Kevin handed the file over.

“Um, thanks, um,” said the newcomer, leaving quickly.

“Lovely chap. I love humans, me,” said Kevin. “What’s for lunch today?”

“Me too, love humans!” The goat perused the menu. “It’s… oh shit, lamb chops.”

“Bastards!” snarled Kevin, grabbing his shotgun and pumping a shell into the chamber. “Death to the murdering human scum!”

“Human scum!” echoed the goat.

  1. NotAPunkRocker
    July 17, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    I have so many questions after reading this, but have to get going. Probably a good thing then LOL 😉


  2. July 17, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Never trust anything that walks on two legs.


    • July 17, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      One minute they pretend to be your friends, the next you’re lunch.


  3. July 17, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    so wildly random and FUNNY! I do love a laugh! 🙂


    • July 17, 2014 at 6:55 pm

      I’m glad you liked it! I find random funny but it’s not for every one 🙂


  4. July 17, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    I laughed out loud at this. Brilliantly done. In fact I’m still laughing, am I weird 😉


    • July 17, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      If you’re weird, I’m weird too 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  5. July 17, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Ah, I’m so glad I’m a vegetarian lol 🙂


    • July 17, 2014 at 8:56 pm

      I think Kevin wishes everybody followed your example 🙂


  6. Lyn
    July 17, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Hee hee hee, someone needs to speak with the manager of the canteen and set them straight — even ram it home to them if necessary. This was a fun read Dman 🙂


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:05 am

      “ram it home” hee hee 🙂
      Yes, the manager definitely needs to learn a lesson, though possibly not at the wrong end of a shotgun.


  7. July 17, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    This weeks submissions have been so fun I was already smiling at the title when I found that the human was the one that was going to be “blasted” away. Great turn of events/


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:06 am

      There’s been a lot of humour this week! I’m glad you enjoyed it.


  8. July 18, 2014 at 2:01 am

    Awesome story my dralifriend! Sweet, sweet redemption – Ram – 1 Human – 0! 😀
    ~ Andrea ❤


  9. July 18, 2014 at 2:06 am

    This is funny! I could hear the chorus of bleating fury 😉


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:08 am

      Someone’s really got their goat up heh heh 🙂


      • July 18, 2014 at 8:31 pm

        Oh …. bad PUN!!!
        Speaking of bad puns — I hope you don’t mind my sharing this link with you since we’re talking about puns and animal fury:


        • July 18, 2014 at 8:55 pm

          Ha, that’s hilarious! I’ve sent the link to my mum, as dad just bought her a tablet and she accidentally discovered YouTube while randomly prodding icons 🙂

          Maybe Kevin can join the cows with guns and chickens in choppers when he’s finished in the cafeteria.


          • July 18, 2014 at 8:58 pm

            Viva la revolución!

            Glad you liked the video — still cracks me up every time.


  10. July 18, 2014 at 5:38 am

    I came back twice to read this piece. Sometimes humans eat animals and sometimes animals eat humans. The menu and the gun and all. That’s what I came away with…humorous, too 😛


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:08 am

      The worm has turned, so to speak 🙂


  11. July 18, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Dear Draliman, Great, great story! Wow, how easily rams are swayed! This is so cute! That shotgun is going to get someone and I bet he sounds like Elmer Fudd. Nan 🙂


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:09 am

      Maybe he has a little deerstalker hat, too!


  12. July 18, 2014 at 5:57 am

    That’s how fickle goats are. Really off-the-wall piece from you this week. Funny!


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:10 am

      Maybe by the time he gets to the canteen he’d have changed his mind again 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it!


  13. July 18, 2014 at 6:12 am

    LOL, I loved it!


  14. July 18, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Ali, The animals we have eaten walking around carrying guns. Pretty scary. O_o I can see the headline now. PIG WITH PISTOL SHOOTS FARMER! Humerous piece and well written. 🙂 —Susan


    • July 18, 2014 at 7:11 am

      If the animals decide to turn on us we’ll be in serious trouble indeed.
      I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂


  15. July 18, 2014 at 9:47 am

    What insensitive cook serves sheep lamb chops? Loved the “ram in charge.” I enjoyed this wacky story.


    • July 18, 2014 at 9:51 am

      Maybe he’s new. This could be his first and last day!
      I’m glad you enjoyed it, I was feeling in the mood for writing something a bit off the wall 🙂


  16. July 18, 2014 at 10:12 am

    I loved the echo of the 2nd sheep, Kevin’s “yes man.” That would get annoying over time. Great humor this week, Draliman.


    • July 18, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Thanks. Having a constant “yes man” would get pretty irritating (unless you’re a despot)!


  17. July 18, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    I love his enthusiasm for destroying the human scum, but how’s he going to pull the trigger without any fingers?


    • July 18, 2014 at 12:46 pm

      I also had that thought – you’re the first person to mention it!
      Possibly some sort of “string in mouth attached to trigger” arrangement 🙂 You certainly can’t fault his enthusiasm.


  18. camgal
    July 18, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Haha, oh my. Lamb chops…the insanity. Hilarious take on the prompt, had me laughing pretty hard and re-reading the story 🙂


    • July 18, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I wasn’t sure if my story was maybe just a little bit too weird this week 🙂 We Brits can have a strange sense of humour sometimes.


      • camgal
        July 18, 2014 at 12:51 pm

        Ooh didn’t know you were British. Haha I dont know about you but my brits (friends) have a normal sense of humour sometimes it leaves dying of laughter 🙂


      • camgal
        July 18, 2014 at 12:51 pm

        *leaves me.


  19. July 18, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    But… but those lamb chops came with a side of Soylent Green!


    • July 18, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Now you’re turning my comedy into a horror. Good for you 🙂
      (Full disclosure – I had to Google Soylent Green, though it looks familiar, I’m sure I’ve seen it once upon a long ago.)


      • July 19, 2014 at 2:12 am

        I have a friend at work who loved both the book and the movie, and constantly makes references to it… so Soylent Green is always on my mind! And hopefully not my plate!


  20. July 18, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Whoah rethinking my lunch! 🙂


    • July 18, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      No, it’s okay, enjoy your chops bwahahahaha 🙂


  21. July 18, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Shot gun will travel, great story.

    BTW, a yes man is the best kind of man to have, my opinion only.


    • July 20, 2014 at 5:36 am

      At least Kevin knows the goat will always back him up.


      • July 21, 2014 at 3:06 am

        Ahh., think that went right past you, ha.


  22. July 19, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    One can only hope the sheep is a bad shot or the sheep of goat will have to care for themselves.


  23. July 20, 2014 at 1:48 am

    that was off the chain.


  24. July 20, 2014 at 4:22 am

    A most unfortunate choice of lunch. I have a feeling they won’t be returning for dinner. Nice one!


    • July 20, 2014 at 5:38 am

      They need to find a veggie company to work for 🙂


  25. July 20, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Dear Ali

    Quite the office crew there. Fires the imagination. 😉 Shouldn’t Kevin’s official title be Random Access Manager?




    • July 20, 2014 at 10:34 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      Random Access Manager – ha ha 🙂 Every office has the weird employees!


  26. July 20, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    With desperate Orwellian irony you have captured human nature. They ought to be pigs. 🙂


    • July 21, 2014 at 10:16 am

      Funnily enough, “Animal Farm” did run through my head, but unfortunately the picture was not of a pig 🙂


      • July 21, 2014 at 11:25 am

        Good. Pigs are extremely intelligent creatures. Unlike most humans.


  27. July 20, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    We love the unexpected..is there room for a puss in boots too 😀 Pawkiss 🙂


    • July 21, 2014 at 10:17 am

      There’s always room for a puss in boots 🙂


  28. Sun
    July 21, 2014 at 2:39 am

    right on, Ali . . . love office staff that take immediate action and Kevin responding with a pronoun of sorts at the end of his sentence when he mentions humans. ha-ha!! clever writer, you. big smiles.


    • July 21, 2014 at 10:25 am

      Ending a sentence “…, me” is a form of slang I really like for emphasising things. I think it’s from the north of England mainly.
      I’m glad you enjoyed my strange little tale 🙂


  29. July 21, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    hi Draliman so funny! Great Story! I am so glad that I am Veggie – I like the kind of accent you gave the sheep, I can hear them 🙂
    Liebe Grüße


    • July 22, 2014 at 6:56 am

      I quite like that accent, it makes for fun dialogue 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed it.


  30. Sarah Ann
    July 21, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Lovely voices and fantastic turn around. I’m surprised they got so far in life before they realised we ate their cousins, but very funny.


    • July 22, 2014 at 6:57 am

      Maybe they usually bring a packed lunch 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed my strange little story!


  31. July 21, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Revenge of the killer sheep! Loads of fun 🙂


    • July 22, 2014 at 6:59 am

      They can get nasty when the need arises 🙂


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