Home > Fiction > Vera Versus the Muggers

Vera Versus the Muggers

Here is my second story about Vera, the doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who unwittingly gets herself into situations and, completely oblivious to the danger she’s in, extricates herself. The first story, “Vera Versus the Devil“, in which she outwits the Devil Himself, is here.

 

Vera Versus the Muggers

“Awright, Grandma. Hand over yer purse!”

“Eeh, you’re a bunch o’ strappin’ lads. Me grandson’s about your age, do you know ‘im? Nigel he’s called, probably goes to your school?”

“Um… jus’ hand over the money, Grandma.”

“Look, here’s a picture. Isn’t he lovely!”

“Hmm, he does ring a bell, um… hey, money!”

“Ooh, I can see your underpants. You need a belt. Why don’t we go belt shopping and then we can have a nice cuppa.”

“This is the fashion! Cash and cards or I slash ya!”

“Is that a Kitchen Master chopping knife? Good with carrots, that knife.”

“Um, what? Carrots?”

“Don’t I know you? Ooh, you’re Marjorie’s lad. Nathaniel.”

“It’s ‘Snake’! Jus’ hand over the money!”

“Eeh, I used to look after you when Marjorie was out shoppin’. You used to call me ‘Auntie Vera’. Did yer nappie rash ever clear up?”

“Auntie Vera, please! Not in front of my crew!”

“Who’s this? Is this your girlfriend? I’m Nathaniel’s Auntie Vera. I bathed him when he were knee-high to a grasshopper. Sorry about his tiny tinky winky, dear.”

“Oh Hell. Please, make her stop.”

“Why don’t you all come with me to bingo? They have smashing prizes and they do a lovely bit o’ Madeira cake and a tasty cuppa… ooh, where did they go? Youth today mutter mutter no respect for their elders mutter mutter I’ll be havin’ a word with Marjorie about this mutter mutter…”

 

Categories: Fiction Tags: ,
  1. November 30, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    Vera rocks! ✊👊
    Her character’s development is growing so much she might need her own page for the future?

    Like

    • November 30, 2015 at 8:41 pm

      She does rock, big time!
      Funny you should mention a Vera page, I am thinking of adding one just for her, affording rapid access for all Vera fans 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. November 30, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    Hilarious again, Ali. She’s like Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. she knows everyone in the village, and can demolish them without trying. When word gets around, no one will dare go near her. Everyone has a guilty secret. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne

    Like

    • November 30, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      There’s no stopping her once she gets going! Like you say, she does know pretty much everyone, even though she’s not always terribly aware of what’s going on right at the moment 🙂
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  3. November 30, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Hahaha. This was hilarious. I loved the line about his Nathaniel’s “nappie rash”.

    Like

    • November 30, 2015 at 8:52 pm

      Vera knows all the secrets around the village, you don’t want to mess with her 🙂
      I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  4. November 30, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    Looks like a book developing here. love it !

    Like

  5. November 30, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    And I’m sure Marjorie will have something to say to that bad boy 🙂

    Like

    • December 1, 2015 at 7:47 am

      Yeah, he’s in trouble now. Especially if he’s damaged her “Kitchen Master”.

      Like

  6. November 30, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    Love it. Vera is so clueless, she’s save no matter what the situation. Looking forward for more.

    Like

  7. December 1, 2015 at 1:30 am

    Tiny winky he he he. 🙂

    Like

    • December 1, 2015 at 7:49 am

      Never let your old babysitter anywhere near your friends…

      Like

      • December 1, 2015 at 1:14 pm

        That’s for sure! I love Vera!

        Like

  8. December 1, 2015 at 3:18 am

    Well, at least she didn’t start pulling out old pictures from her purse. Poor Snake is now gonna get called Grubworm by his buddies….

    Like

    • December 1, 2015 at 7:50 am

      That would have been fun. “Here’s one of him on the potty…” 🙂

      Like

  9. Lata Sunil
    December 1, 2015 at 4:23 am

    Vera is rocking.. Tinky winky Lol .. and mutter mutter

    Like

  10. December 1, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Wonderful. Yes, a Vera page, please. These should be made into video sketches. You’d be a YouTube star if you found some actors for it.

    Like

    • December 1, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      That would be cool. I would be famous (or infamous possibly)! I wonder if Dame Maggie Smith is available…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. December 1, 2015 at 10:32 am

    My mother-in-law’s name is Vera. That’s all I’m saying.

    Like

  12. December 1, 2015 at 11:22 am

    HaHaHaHa! Go Vera! ❤

    Like

  13. December 1, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    Awesome !👍👍
    Your stories are always worth it 🙂

    Like

    • December 1, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      Thank you, that’s a lovely thing to say 🙂

      Like

  14. December 1, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    Good ol; Vera. eh? She could probably teach the local constabulary a thing or two about gang control. 🙂

    Like

  15. December 1, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Vera is in a class/world of her own. Very fun read.

    Like

  16. December 2, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    A tiny Binky winky for your story, Draliman. I think a serie has been born 🙂 Pawkisses 🙂 ❤

    Like

  17. December 3, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    One heck of a stubborn lady she is!

    Like

    • December 3, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      There’s certainly no arguing with her!

      Like

  18. December 5, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Before you mug this one…. muzzle her!

    Like

  1. December 7, 2015 at 8:15 pm

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