Home > Fiction > Literary Lion – Vera Versus Las Vegas

Literary Lion – Vera Versus Las Vegas

Here is my post for Laura’s Literary Lion. The prompt word this time is “gamble” and I’ve managed to get it just under the 400 word limit. Which is quite long, but don’t worry, it’s all dialogue!

This is Vera’s third adventure. Vera is a rather doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who manages to get herself into all sorts of situations but always manages to extricate herself while remaining largely oblivious to the danger she’s in. Her other adventures are Vera Versus the Devil and Vera Versus the Muggers. This time, she’s off on a jolly to Las Vegas, America.

 

“Eee, look at this place, I think I’ll try the slots…”

Push. Shove.

“… eh, me money ain’t goin’ in…”

Shove. Bang.

“Excuse me Madam, what seems to be the trouble?”

“… ooh, you’re a strapping young lad, jus’ like me friend Ethel’s boy, do ya know ‘im, ‘e’s ‘bout your age, me money won’t go in the machine….”

“Ah, that’s English coinage, Madam, you’ll…”

“… if me money’s good enough fer the Queen (bless ‘er) it’s good enough fer me…”

“You’re in America, now Madam, so you…”

“… when I were a lass, all this were the British Empire…”

“Ha ha, Madam, very funny, now if I could ask you to…”

“… don’t you laugh at me, young man, me cousin Beryl’s youngest daughter’s hairdresser’s second cousin’s granny once stood this close to the Queen this close she’s prac’ly royalty so don’t you laugh at me…”

“I do apologise Madam (security to the slots, security to the slots), if you could just calm down a little…”

“…don’t you tell me to calm down, no respect fer yer elders your generation…”

“FREEZE! Don’t move!”

“… eee, who’s this now, waving yer gun around, what you need is a nice calming cup ‘a tea, now where did I put me flask, here in me handbag…”

“GUN!”

Blam. Ping!

“… eh, will you look at that, you’ve punctured me flask, that’s lovely Yorkshire tea all goin’ ta waste, all the way from England too…”

“Shit, I thought you were reaching for a gun…”

“… it’s just not good enough, does your mamma know you’re running round with a gun…”

“I’m so sorr…”

“… it would never have happened in my day, the youth today, no respect…”

“Madam, please…”

“… shooting people left right and centre, shouldn’t be allowed..”

“Oh God…”

“… there ought ta be a law, shooting little old ladies indeed, I never saw the like…”

“Excuse me, Madam, I’m the manager and as an apology, and on the understanding you never mention this little… incident again, we would like to offer you a thousand dollars worth of chips…”

“… ooh, I could just go some fish ‘n chips right now, that sounds lovely with a nice cup ‘o tea, lead on, did I tell you about me grandchildren, look, here’s a picture, ooh, there’s a bullet hole in it ramble ramble mutter mutter…

 

  1. December 7, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Thay ‘ave nutty blighters in Las Vegas, now, but nuthin’ the likes of yorn Vera …. (er, did I get the brogue right and all?)

    Like

  2. December 7, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But not for Vera. Haha!

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:06 am

      I’m not sure she even knows she’s in Vegas 🙂

      Like

  3. December 7, 2015 at 9:50 pm

    Well, our Vera’s getting herself about a bit lately. She’ll have them folks in Vegas eating out of her hand before long. Talking of eating…. I hope she enjoys her chips – plenty of salt and vinegar, mind. 🙂

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:08 am

      It’s easier just to go along with Vera. I hope she’s not too disappointed to find out her “chips” are plastic and only work at the roulette table 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • December 8, 2015 at 12:28 pm

        As a northern lady, the word chips would mean only one thing to Vera. I don’t think she’ll be too disappointed when she finds out she can have a jolly good ‘play’ at roulette with her plastic ones. 🙂

        Like

      • December 8, 2015 at 8:24 pm

        🙂

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  4. December 7, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    Hilarious.

    Like

  5. December 7, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    She is pretty adorable. And it is so funny she doesn’t know what is really happening around her. I hope someone shows her a card came or at least how to work a slot machine so she can do some gambling. But she’ll probably keep talking to whoever crosses her path, so never mind…

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:10 am

      I think anyone trying to teach her how to play the slots or cards is in for quite the evening 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. December 8, 2015 at 3:11 am

    I’ve long since learned never to mess with a little old lady and her slot machine… I’d make damn sure to steer clear of Vera!

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:11 am

      I’m imagining a big empty space around her as she plays, lost in her own world…

      Like

  7. December 8, 2015 at 3:20 am

    Hmm. Who is Vera … really? Hmm. I think there’s more to that lady than we see on the surface 🙂

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:11 am

      It’s possible she’s more aware than she lets on…

      Like

  8. December 8, 2015 at 6:52 am

    I really need to teach you Vegas speak my friend. The word Madam doesn’t exist in the Nevada vernacular and casinos never give away money. Feel free to correct my British English at any time Ali.
    😎 It’s Vegas baby.

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 6:55 am

      A “Madam” would own a brothel in Nevada.

      Like

      • December 8, 2015 at 8:14 am

        Crumbs – don’t even mention that to Vera, you’ll never hear the last of it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:14 am

      I had a feeling they wouldn’t call her “madam” but wasn’t sure what the alternative might be. Maybe it’s one o’ them posh casinos 🙂
      I thought maybe a grand was a small price to pay to avoid an attempted murder rap 🙂 Though maybe they’d just chuck her out the back door like in the films!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. December 8, 2015 at 8:33 am

    Brilliant Alistair ~ I love this ~ I am just off to read the other two episodes ~ Very funny! I need some of this at the moment 🙂

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:51 am

      I’m glad you liked it! I hope you enjoy Vera’s other adventures 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. December 8, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Come back in a day or two, Vera will have them all sorted! 😀

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:22 pm

      There will be pots of tea and plates of cake all over the poker tables 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. December 8, 2015 at 10:55 am

    A wonderfully amusing story, Ali. 😀 I love how Vera is completely oblivious to what’s actually going on!

    Like

  12. Holly
    December 8, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Poor Vera. Wait until she finds out chips in the US aren’t what they are back home!

    Like

    • December 8, 2015 at 8:26 pm

      She’ll soon be racing back home to her local chippie – and America will breathe a sigh of relief 🙂

      Like

  13. December 9, 2015 at 1:38 am

    I’m not sure what else to say but wow… lol

    Like

    • December 9, 2015 at 6:48 am

      Vera has a tendency to takes one’s breath away 🙂

      Like

  14. Adam Ickes
    December 9, 2015 at 2:13 am

    Quite a character you’ve concocted here. It’s a wonder she isn’t in some sort of assisted living facility with how oblivious she is to all of these situations. Can’t wait to see what she gets herself into next time.

    Like

    • December 9, 2015 at 6:53 am

      I wouldn’t be surprised if is in assisted living, but routinely “escapes” to go on her adventures. She seems an independent sort!

      Like

      • Adam Ickes
        December 9, 2015 at 12:38 pm

        Good point. She does seem like the sort who would “escape” without even realizing that is what she is doing.

        Like

  15. December 11, 2015 at 12:18 am

    Just another example that you Islanders need to learn the proper Englsih.. Enjoyed!

    Like

    • December 11, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Yeah, I haven’t got my Americanese down yet. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • December 11, 2015 at 9:22 pm

        YOu are forgiven. Foreign languages can be difficult to pick up!

        Like

      • December 11, 2015 at 11:31 pm

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  16. December 13, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    Can we hire her to speak to the guys going about shooting and bombing things?
    One pound says with her ability to live oblivious of the moment that she survives and they give up.

    Like

  17. December 18, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    Haha, reminds me of Beavis and Butthead Do America and the old lady they meet on the plane who’s off in search of ‘slots’. 😀

    Like

    • December 18, 2015 at 8:29 pm

      I really must watch them some time, especially if they’ve also had trouble with Vera 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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