Home > Fiction > FF – Pilot Boats

FF – Pilot Boats

Here is my story (sort of) for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This weeks’s nautical photo was contributed by Fatima Fakier Deria.

It’s a lot harder than you think to deliberately write something awful. My stories are getting ever madder bwahahaha.

To read the other stories for this week, click on the blue froggy.


The gloriously-restored ship sets sail, its canvas billowing majestically as the stalwart (yet horribly uninformed) helmsman steers erroneously to port. The graceful ship plows catastrophically into the harbour wall, its timbers splintering in majestic fashion. The gloriously-attired crew members fall into the fatally-cold (yet majestic) sea as the majestically glorious ship sinks gracefully to the bottom on its gloriously majestic (yet final) voyage.

This has been an advert for Porthmiggin Harbour Authority – always use a qualified Pilot – We’re expensive but so’s your boatTM


[Also, new PR intern required. Plain, simple language skills a must. Own thesaurus preferred. Apply within.]


  1. March 29, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    I was going to the intern did a majestic job of describing the company’s work. But as they are advertising for a new PR intern I take it that ship has sailed. 🙂


    • March 29, 2017 at 8:00 pm

      that should read “I was going to say”


    • March 30, 2017 at 6:55 am

      Hee 🙂
      The intern did their best, but it’s hard to be descriptive when you only know three adjectives 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. March 29, 2017 at 8:16 pm

    Dear Ali,

    This is one majestically awful story of majestic proportions. I mean this with the utmost awe (ful) and disrespect that a vertically challenged purple obsessed pygmy can muster. You have me laughing out loud. Love it!




    • March 30, 2017 at 6:56 am

      Dear Rochelle,
      You wouldn’t believe how many edits I had to do to get it “just wrong” 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  3. March 29, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    As an ad for pilot boats it is glorious, as a demonstration of the need for a new PR intern, it is majestic. And I could think of a few PR firms that would benefit from investing in a thesaurus or two!


    • March 30, 2017 at 6:57 am

      Heh, I’m glad you liked it! It’s amazing how many advertising brochures could do with, at the very least, a bit of a proof-read.


  4. March 29, 2017 at 10:01 pm

    What a majestic take on a majestic prompt😀👍


    • March 30, 2017 at 6:58 am

      Thanks for your glorious comment, I’m glad you liked it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. March 29, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    Oh what a clever and fun post – nice take on the prompt


    • March 30, 2017 at 6:59 am

      Thanks! It was a tricky one to get correctly wrong 🙂 I’m glad you liked it!


  6. michael1148humphris
    March 29, 2017 at 11:20 pm

    Bottoms up to the captain and you.


  7. Dale
    March 29, 2017 at 11:52 pm

    Oh lordy… this definitely falls into the category of: Who would pay for that ad? This was awfully funny…


    • March 30, 2017 at 7:00 am

      One wonders if that was truly the best submission 🙂
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. March 30, 2017 at 2:11 am

    i guess it’s ok to splurge but not to skimp on the important things. 🙂


    • March 30, 2017 at 7:01 am

      Exactly. It’s like driving an expensive car with really cheap tyres.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. March 30, 2017 at 4:59 am

    I think I have the writing skills to do advertisements for this company. I even have all the possums they need to serve as gloriously attired crew members for however many takes are necessary to get the commercial just right. What kind of salary should I expect?


    • March 30, 2017 at 7:02 am

      If you really do have an unlimited supply of stunt Busters – and I’m pretty sure you do – you could be looking at upwards of 50 acorns per possum per take!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. March 30, 2017 at 5:54 am

    Putting a big boat in its proper slot in a marina is not for the fumble fingered!


    • March 30, 2017 at 7:03 am

      Nope. Best to pay for the experts!


  11. March 30, 2017 at 7:10 am

    Glorious! Pawkisses for a gloriously day 🙂 ❤


  12. Martin Cororan
    March 30, 2017 at 8:19 am

    Nice! (And majestic!)


  13. March 30, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    Ha, ha. If that doesn’t get people to use an experienced pilot, nothing will. Hilarious, Ali. 😀 — Suzanne


    • March 30, 2017 at 2:08 pm

      It’ all about grabbing people’s attention 🙂


  14. March 30, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    Yikes! You killed them all! Hahahahahaha!


  15. gahlearner
    March 30, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    That was gloriously majestic fun. Thans for the laugh.


    • gahlearner
      March 30, 2017 at 4:35 pm

      Looks like I don’t qualify as intern. Thanks for the laugh I meant…


    • March 31, 2017 at 7:08 am

      I’m glad it made you laugh (in majestic fashion, I expect) 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • gahlearner
        April 1, 2017 at 12:13 am

        Of course, what else. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Life Lessons of a Dog Lover
    March 30, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Ha, loved the twist at the end.


  17. March 30, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    Aha…scare tactic! 😉 Good one, Ali.


    • March 31, 2017 at 7:10 am

      I’d certainly hire them after that little horror story 🙂 I’m glad you liked it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • March 31, 2017 at 2:27 pm

        Yep, they sure are good at brainwashing. Um, I mean advertising. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  18. March 31, 2017 at 10:57 am

    Wonderful stuff. Puts me in mind of the early writings of Adrian Mole, struggling to find adjectives to describe the Scottish landscape and its wildlife. Your writing soars majestically! 😀 Like a majestically soaring thing.


    • March 31, 2017 at 12:41 pm

      Wow, it’s been ages since I read Adrian Mole! Sounds about right from what I remember, though.
      I’m glad you enjoyed my majestically glorious writing 🙂


  19. jellico84
    March 31, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    Oh, that is hilarious. I can see this happening so much! Reenactors at the helm…scary!


    • March 31, 2017 at 12:42 pm

      And all they had to do was cough up for a Pilot 😦
      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. March 31, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    As my friend says, “Always think twice before taking a cheap pill!” This was truly fun.


    • April 1, 2017 at 5:29 am

      It rarely pays to cut corners in these matters.
      I’m glad you liked it!


  21. April 1, 2017 at 7:42 am

    Truly “majestic” and amusing. Well done


    • April 2, 2017 at 6:52 am

      Thank you for your glorious comment 🙂


  22. April 1, 2017 at 11:36 am

    Yes, there are always customer for that (especially in majestically cold water)


    • April 2, 2017 at 6:53 am

      The more majestic the water, the more customers!


  23. April 1, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    I’m a splendiferous righter, can Have the job please? Pretty please!!


  24. Sarah Ann
    April 1, 2017 at 6:14 pm

    Love the style and content of your story this week – very clever. A pilot is vital to stop your helmsman steering erroneously.


    • April 2, 2017 at 6:55 am

      I’m glad you liked it! Scrimp on a pilot, take a trip to Davy Jones’ locker…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sarah Ann
        April 4, 2017 at 7:42 am

        As a boat dweller, I’ll always go with the pilot and hope to save my home.


  25. April 2, 2017 at 12:04 am

    Truely majestic and awesome (or awsum as they say these days).


    • April 2, 2017 at 6:55 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed my glorious story!


  26. April 2, 2017 at 6:55 am

    Very clever! I love ‘we’re expensive but so’s your boat’


    • April 2, 2017 at 7:24 am

      Quite a snappy strapline, I thought! I’m glad you enjoyed my story 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  27. April 2, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    A deliciously majestic tale of an unfortunately fatal incident that could have been prevented had the passengers paid heed to the Porthmiggin Habour Authority advert. Not such a majestic ending for said passengers, despite the obvious allure of the majestically blue sea. 😀 A majestically fun story! 😀


    • April 3, 2017 at 12:43 pm

      It’s very sad that they decided not to cough up the money for a properly-qualified pilot 😦 I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  28. April 3, 2017 at 12:27 am

    LOL…Wonderfully described!


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