draliman on life

Here is my story for What Pegman Saw, which this week is in Fukushima, scene of the nuclear accident. While I’m not entirely happy writing a funny story in the wake of all that, options seemed limited. It’s a pretty lame and silly story anyway, to be honest.

Copyright Google

“Where is everybody?”

“Dunno. Maybe it’s a national holiday or something.”

“I figured there might be a carnival on, what with the barriers.”

“Barriers?”

“Yeah. While you were asleep we passed barriers on the road. There was no-one there so I just drove around.”

“Woah. Maybe we’re not supposed to be here.”

“We’re Google, dude. We’re supposed to be everywhere.”

“Yeah!”

High five.

“Let’s map the rest of these streets and get out of here. Hmm, my noses are bleeding.”

“That’s weird. My hair is falling out. Hey, you didn’t used to have two heads, did you?”

“Not not that that I I remember remember.”

“Cool!”

High five.

“Hey, look. I have a third hand!”

Extra high five.

“There’s a bench. Let’s stop and have lunch.”

“Good idea. Don’t get your tail trapped in the door.”

And thus began the rise of… Homo Mutans!

Here is my story for What Pegman Saw. This week we are in the Isle of Wight.

It’s been years since I was there. I think we took a ferry from Portsmouth to Ryde. I seem to recall singing the Beatles’ “Ticket to Ride/Ryde” and waving my ticket around.

I went with the suggested “mysterious object in the sky”.

Copyright The Google

Dro’Gek stared up at the sky. “This is it! They’ve finally arrived.”

“Hooray!” replied Merk’Na. “The invasion’s on! Jee’Bak, scan it.”

“Scanning,” said Jee’Bak. “It’s… a seagull.”

“Dammit!” snapped Dro’Gek.

“Wait, though,” reasoned Merk’Na. “They might be using camouflage tech. Hiding from the humans. Check again.”

Just as Jee’Bak turned back to the scanner, the shape dropped towards them.

“It must be them!” called Dro’Gek. “They’ve seen us!”

The shape shot straight down and ripped through the little group, sending them flying. It soared away and they dragged themselves to their feet.

“It wasn’t them, then,” said Jee’Bak. “That gives me an idea, though. We had, what, two pasties and an ice cream? Now we have only crumbs. And Merk’Na has lost a hand.”

“Waah!” sobbed Merk’Na.

“Yes!” agreed Dro’Gek. “We don’t need the others. We shall weaponise the seagulls!”

And so the (rather ineffectual) invasion of Earth began.

Here is my story for What Pegman Saw, which this week takes us to San José el Huayate, Chiapas, Mexico.

Copyright Google

Juan gazed at the peaceful scene before him, a stark contrast to the life of violence and death he had left behind.

Recruited into the cartels from an early age, his proclivity for violence had catapulted him to head interrogator in short order. Finally despairing of that life, he had “liberated” a tidy sum and fled.

He’d thought he’d have longer before they found him, he mused as he hung, naked, from a crossbar. He found himself mentally chastising his protégé.

The wires Manuel had used to attach the car battery were far too thin. Everything was too dry to properly conduct the current – it would get very hot. He’d attached the crocodile clip to the wrong testicle.

Not that any of that really mattered, though he was sure having his genitals burst into flames wasn’t part of Manuel’s torture plan.

He’d had a good run, but nobody escapes the cartels. Nobody.

Here is my little story for What Pegman Saw. This week the little Pegman is wandering around Athens, Greece.

Copyright Dylan Watson for Google Maps

“My home, my beautiful home! Ruined!“ Athena looked around. She was not happy.

“Hey, kiddo,” came a familiar voice. “Long time.”

“Daddy!” Athena squealed. “I was taking a nap. What’s happening? Why are you dressed like that?”

“I have a job!” explained Zeus. “Electrician. Suited to it, I thought. The humans neither need nor want us any longer. So we’re making do.”

“But what of the others? Poseidon?”

“Fisherman.”

“Hephaestus?”

“Blacksmith.”

“Surely not Uncle Hades too?”

“He’s had various jobs. Lawyer. Politician. Reality Show producer. He’s decided it’s much more fun tormenting humans while they’re still alive.”

“Oh dear. Maybe if I’d got up when I first woke I could have stopped this, but I dropped off again. I wanted one more millennium in bed. What should I do?”

“’Strategic warfare’ is one of yours, yes?”

“Surely by now humans have abolished war?”

“Ha! Prepare to be very busy, my girl.”