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Posts Tagged ‘Friday Fictioneers’

FF – Jinks and Simmons in – Crack Down!

November 11, 2020 62 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Copyright Dale Rogerson

And now on BBC One, popular 70s police drama “Jinks and Simmons”.

(Cue cheesy 70s opening titles)

“Jinks, look at this.”

“Fairy lights?”

“Bastards. Sick, sick bastards. Break it down.”

“POLICE! NOBODY MOVE! You – name!”

“Um, Mr Wilberforce. This is my wife.”

“What’s the date, Mr Wilberforce? THE DATE, MAN!”

“Um, November 13th?”

“CORRECT! November! And what are these?”

“Um, Christmas lights. We, um, love Christmas.”

“Jinks, arrest them for offences contrary to the Misuse of Holidays Act (1697). Too early for fairy lights, Mr Wilberforce! Get these sick bastards out of my sight.”

“Sick, sick bastards.”

(Cue cheesy 70s end credits)

FF – Operation Extreme Prejudice

November 4, 2020 57 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Rochelle herself.

Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Sitting in the control room, General B’Asturrd noticed a furtive movement on the CCTV monitor.

“There, d’ya see? A thief, stealing from that little stall! Commence Operation Extreme Prejudice (Beta Trial)!”

“Yessir!”

Bzzzzzzz

The festive wires hanging above the street came alive with electricity. A lightning bolt, sparking with lethal power, struck down. The thief screamed as his eyeballs exploded messily and he fell smoking to the street.

Much the same happened to the stallholders. And the tourists. And an unfortunate cat.

“A success!”

“Um, sir, it was a bit… indiscriminate. All those innocent…”

“Innocent? INNOCENT?… Everybody’s guilty of something.”

FF – Spy Car!

October 28, 2020 57 comments

Here is my post for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J Hardy Carroll (I think).

Copyright J Hardy Carroll

“Synchronise watches… motion?”

“Motion is go.”

“Audio?”

“Audio is go.”

“Video?”

“Go on video.”

“Stand by mini spy car and… go go go!”

“Careful, steer round those kids… good, through the door, mind the rubbish bin… good, yes, good!”

“Nearly there!”

“Yes, just through this door, and… target acquired! He’s typing the password in! Video?”

“Video is capturing!”

“Excellent!”

“We’ll soon have complete access to the mainframe! All those grades we can change at a whim!”

“No, for £100 per grade. We’ll be rich! Rich!”

What’s this? Some pupil’s toy truck? I’M NOT HAVING IT IN HERE!

SMASH!

“Bollocks.”

FF – Yes and No

October 21, 2020 65 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. She also provided this week’s photo.

“That little holder for the condiments. I remember when we got that.”

“Yes.”

“We bought it in that little gift shop. On our honeymoon.”

“Yes.”

“What a time we had!”

“Yes.”

“Our kids had some fun out in the garden.”

“Yes.”

“Off at university now, the pair of them.”

“Yes.”

“Studying hard. And partying hard too, I expect!”

“Yes.”

“Aaaah… we had some good times. Great times. Wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes.”

“So… what say we give it another try? The two of us? A fresh start.”

“…”

“…?”

“No.”

FF – Sergeant Jimminy’s Final Mission

October 14, 2020 57 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr. Well, I say story… just a bit of fun!

Copyright C.E. Ayr

“That’s really pink. A real girlie boat! Does it have lace curtains?”

“You sexist pig! I’m calling the Political Correctness Police.”

Wee-wah-wee-wah screech

“Allo allo allo. I’m Sergeant Jimminy. What’s goin’ on ‘ere then?”

“He called my boat ‘girlie’ because it’s pink.”

“Whaaaaat? You scum! Scum! Get ‘im, lads.”

Aaargh! Thump! Whap!

“In the water with ‘im, lads!”

Splash! Gurgle! Drown!

“That’s that, then, love. You can always rely on me, good ol’ Sergeant Jimminy (wink wink). You get your cute little self onto your dinky pink boat and… uh-oh…”

“Sexist scum! Get ‘im, lads!”

Aaargh! Thump! Whap! Gurgle! Drown! etc

Ramblings From The Pub 4 – Kraken!

October 7, 2020 44 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle, brought to you in Glorious Blockeditor-o-vision! This week’s photo was contributed by Sandra Crook.

Copyright Sandra Crook

“Look, some bloke’s makin’ a TV doc’ment’ry.”

“Yup.”

… seaweed strewn around. And why, we ask ourselves? Has there been a flood? The work of kids, perhaps? Or maybe… just maybe… some kind of hideous sea creature? Ha ha! In fact, there is a legend hereabouts of ‘Krakenkin’, a monster similar to the famous ‘Kraken’. Why the similarity in names? Lack of imagination on the part of the local yokels, perhaps? Ha ha! No, it is this reporter’s view that kids were responsible for…

Roooooar! Aaaargh! Eeeek! Chomp! Splatter!

“Serves ‘im right. Hoity-toity big city toff.”

“Yup.”

“’Nother pint?”

“Yup.”

FF – CASH!

September 30, 2020 46 comments

Here is my 100 word max story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Rowena Curtin.

Copyright Rowena Curtin

 

“Look what the sun’s done to that! It’s all warped and melted!”

“Wow, yes. The sunlight is hot! Just standing in it is so warming!”

“Don’t stand in it, dude!”

“Why not? It’s perfecfnjg smff. Wsds goong oon?”

“Aargh! Your face! It’s hideous! It’s melted off!” bleurgh… bleurgggghhhhh!

 

Disappearing zone layer. Global warming. It’s here. It’s now!

Do you want your face to melt off? You can help!

Send a donation to us, the Campaign Against Sun Heating, or CASH for short.

Yes, send us a donation, cheque payable to CASH!

You can make a difference!

 

FF – Vampires!

September 23, 2020 70 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Sorry, but if you post a photo of garlic, how can I not think “vampire”?

 

Crash!

“Argh! How did you get in? Uninvited? Past the garlic? In the middle of the day?”

“Umm…”

“You blood-drinking nightcrawlers, you should be bursting into flames!”

“Ah, I see what’s happening here. Eh, lads?”

Yeah! Ha! Happens all the time!

“We’re not vampires, dude!”

“You’re… not?”

“No! Wow, this is embarrassing! So sorry, mate!”

“I just thought… with all the bodies recently… drained of blood…”

“No! Jeez. You thought… no! No, we’re a homicidal blood cult.”

“Oh, phew… wait… what, now?”

Slice! Swish! Spurt!

“I can’t believe he thought… aw, never mind. Everyone remember to bring their ritual mugs?”

Slurp

 

FF – Nuthead and Numbnuts Have a Picnic

September 16, 2020 47 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

 

“Here we are, Nuthead! A nice picnic.”

“Yes, Numbnuts, lovely. Is this where we meant to go? Never mind. Spread out the food!”

“Food?”

“Dang!”

“I remembered the baby chair.”

“Good-oh. But that makes me think we’ve forgotten something.”

“The food?”

“Something else.”

“The baby! We forgot the baby!”

“Omygodomygodomygod…”

“Wait a sec. We don’t have a baby.”

“Oh, that’s a relief. I thought for a minute we’d left him slash her at the supermarket slash petrol station slash home.”

“Phew! Though we do have a baby chair.”

“But why?”

“I forget. Let’s go home.”

“Yes, let’s. Where’s that again?”

 

FF – Spy Games

September 9, 2020 61 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by herself!

 

“Look, that altered ‘open’ sign. That’s the signal!”

“Hmm. Are you sure, Sir? Maybe the neighbourhood kids…”

“Yes! Come on!”

ding!

“Hello, my good man. Ahem. The biscuits dunk well in the Darjeeling.”

“Huh?”

The biscuits dunk well in the Darjeeling.

“Your mate… bit ‘odd’ is he? A sandwich short of a picnic?”

“Um, Sir, I don’t think we’re in the right place…”

“Nonsense! I’m sure that is the correct counter-response. Um. Ahem. Yes! Here, my good man, the microfilm.”

“Um, okay.”

ding!

“Best put this with the others. Seven microfilms today! Maybe I better get my ‘open’ sign fixed. Damn kids.”