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Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

FF – Nuthead and Numbnuts Have a Picnic

September 16, 2020 47 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

 

“Here we are, Nuthead! A nice picnic.”

“Yes, Numbnuts, lovely. Is this where we meant to go? Never mind. Spread out the food!”

“Food?”

“Dang!”

“I remembered the baby chair.”

“Good-oh. But that makes me think we’ve forgotten something.”

“The food?”

“Something else.”

“The baby! We forgot the baby!”

“Omygodomygodomygod…”

“Wait a sec. We don’t have a baby.”

“Oh, that’s a relief. I thought for a minute we’d left him slash her at the supermarket slash petrol station slash home.”

“Phew! Though we do have a baby chair.”

“But why?”

“I forget. Let’s go home.”

“Yes, let’s. Where’s that again?”

 

FF – Spy Games

September 9, 2020 61 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by herself!

 

“Look, that altered ‘open’ sign. That’s the signal!”

“Hmm. Are you sure, Sir? Maybe the neighbourhood kids…”

“Yes! Come on!”

ding!

“Hello, my good man. Ahem. The biscuits dunk well in the Darjeeling.”

“Huh?”

The biscuits dunk well in the Darjeeling.

“Your mate… bit ‘odd’ is he? A sandwich short of a picnic?”

“Um, Sir, I don’t think we’re in the right place…”

“Nonsense! I’m sure that is the correct counter-response. Um. Ahem. Yes! Here, my good man, the microfilm.”

“Um, okay.”

ding!

“Best put this with the others. Seven microfilms today! Maybe I better get my ‘open’ sign fixed. Damn kids.”

 

FF – Bloody Tourists

September 2, 2020 67 comments

Here is my contribution for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.

Copyright C.E. Ayr

 

“Oh, how very ‘olde worlde’! Costumed inhabitants, old cars! I think I’ll try some of the ‘olde worlde’ ale! A pint of your finest, my good man.”

“’Ere. Free pahnd fifty.”

“Three pounds fifty? Surely you mean ‘a shilling and six pence, guvnor’?”

“Nah. I mean free pahnd fifty. Guvnor.”

“Oh, well, okay. Hey, this tastes just like regular ale! What about the ‘olde worlde’ experience?”

“Fine. Give it ‘ere.”

(sprinkle tinkle)

“’Ere. Olde worlde experience.”

“Aha! Urk, yeech, bleurgh! Yes, very olde worlde…”

*****

“Frank, you’ve been serving ages. Need a toilet break?”

“Nah, just ‘ad one. Har har. Bloody tourists.”

 

FF – Children of Light

August 26, 2020 61 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J. Hardy Carroll.

 

They called them “Children of Light”.

They came from a far distant planet. And they glowed. All the time.

They were welcomed by the Humans. Light sources. Energy sources. Even circus performers.

Within a year they were everywhere. Homes, shops, businesses. Militaries. Governments.

Perfectly positioned…

Fortunately for the Humans, the Children of Light were friendly and quite happy to be used as light bulbs.

But beware, Humans! I have learnt from this. For I am disguising my invasion army as useful widgets. And we’re a right nasty bunch of belligerent bastards. Your planet shall be ours!

See you soon.

 

FF – What a Relief!

August 19, 2020 60 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Ted Strutz.

Copyright Ted Strutz

 

“I hope my friends are okay in the haunted house. Here I am, stuck viewing everything through this monitor they gave me.”

“Surprise!”

“Huh?”

“Hi, we’re with PRANK TV! We removed the colour via the monitor to make the house look haunted! You’ve been PRANKED!”

“Wow!”

“I’ll tweak the settings… here’s the colour back. Not so haunted-looking now… oh, shit.”

 

Original copyright Ted Strutz

 

“No, it’s not. Phew!”

“Um, about your friends…”

“Thank goodness they’re not in a haunted house! I’ll just wait here for my friends to come back out, then.”

“Um. About that. Yeah. I wouldn’t bother waiting…”

 

FF – Hollywood Rocks!

August 12, 2020 62 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo was contributed by Rochelle herself back in November 2014, and according to the photo’s filename is somewhere in Hollywood.

So in this story we find out how Nathan is getting along, after his story in 2014, Land of Broken Dreams.

 

Six years. Six long years of waiting tables and finally, his big break. Hollywood rocks!

Okay, it was just a small TV advert. Okay… an advert for haemorrhoid cream. But he had a line!

‘With our patented cream, never again feel like you’re passing a pine cone! Crap-U-LikeTM – your one stop shop to pain-free plopping!’

So it wasn’t quite what he’d had in mind when he’d left Tinyville so long ago. But it was a foot on the ladder. Who knows, in a few months he could be King of the Bum Cream! Lord of the Laxatives!

Hollywood rocks!

 

FF – Wear a White Hat

August 5, 2020 67 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jennifer Pendergast back in April 2015.

This week I used lots of “tham thars” to add an authentic Wild West feel. I hope I didn’t overdo it 😉

If you want to read a more sensible tale, here’s the story I wrote back in the day.

 

“Quick, Jed, through tham thar railroad cars an’ inta that thar desert!”

Blam!

“They’s gettin’ closer, Herb!”

“Shuddup an’ run, Jed! Darn, I’m right regretting tham thar grits I ‘ad fer breakfast, all this runnin’.”

“Quit bellyachin’, them varmints is a-comin’ closer!”

Blam!

“Why they shootin’ at us, Herb? We ain’t done nothin’ wrong!”

“I tol’ ya, ya shouldn’t’a bought that thar black hat. I bet in years ta come, bad folks’ll be wearing tham thar black hats in them new-fangled movin’ pictures. Yer ahead-a yer time!”

“Yer red shirt ain’t helpin’!”

Blam!

Splat

 

FF – Worth Another Look

July 29, 2020 59 comments

Here is my sort-of story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo was contributed by Jean L Hays – way back in 2013!

Yes, it’s summer rerun time. This photo’s from December, as I found out as I started my search in January 2013…

dolphin_01

Copyright Jean L. Hays

 

“Hey, dude. We get a freebie this week.”

“What’s that then?”

“It’s summer rerun time. We can use our story from seven years ago.”

“Isn’t that, like, cheating?”

“Of course not! The very idea.”

“But that story was from ages ago. From ‘The Before Time’.”

“The what?”

“’Before.’ Before we wrote the good stuff.”

“The good stuff? High quality weed?”

“No. You know. Our trademark blend of humour, sensitivity and horrific dismemberments.”

“Oh, yeah. Let’s have a read, then. Hey! This could work! It’s mildly horrific.”

“It is! Let’s go for it.”

Read it here – Dry Clean Only.

 

FF – Not To Be

July 23, 2020 55 comments

Here is my contribution for Friday Fictioneers. Rochelle hosts, and also provided this week’s photo.

I’m a bit late this week. I finally got a little holiday now that furloughed staff are back in the office, and I forgot what day it was!

Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

 

“Ah, darling, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd…”

“I’d say you had that backwards, lovie-darling, but have you seen the audience tonight?”

“Plebs to a man.”

“Why let such riff-raff in? We are Actors. The hoi polloi have no right to enjoy our supreme talent, lovie.”

“Agree, darling, agree.”

Um, guys, your mics are on…

“Oh, um, well, lovie, that’s enough rehearsal for next week’s play, ‘The Arrogance of Actors’, um, um, oh.”

Guys, you know it’s the ‘El Lobo’ cartel’s annual get-together tonight, right…?

“To be… or not to be, that is the…”

Rat-a-tat-a-tat-bang-bang-rat-a-tat!

 

Not to be, evidently.

 

FF – You Can’t Get the Staff

July 15, 2020 64 comments

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jean L. Hays.

Copyright Jean L Hays

 

“Ooh, a surprise by the gate, I wonder what it could be?”

Nancy excitedly opened the box. She peeled back the lid and froze. Eyes wide, she dropped it, screaming. Her husband’s head rolled out, dead eyes staring at her as she sank to her knees.

Her fists clenched, resolve fixing her features. Trey Walker. She would track him down. She would track him down, by God, and she would… have very stern words with him.

She’d told him specifically to leave the head round the back.

Out of sight.

You just can’t get the staff these days.