draliman on life

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jeff Arnold.

I’ve gone completely wacky this week. Some might say surreal 🙂

Copyright Jeff Arnold

Tales from a Chessboard

“It’s not fair. I don’t wanna be a prawn.”

“It’s pawn.”

“Whatever. I wanna be a castle. Or a horsie. At least I have… insurance.”

“Whaddya mean, insurance?”

“Well, Barry… watch out! Incoming bishop!”

“Aaaaargh!”

“Ouch. Tough break. I would’ve expected better from a man of god – what did Barry ever do to you, your reverence?”

“He opposed my Master, the Golden-Eyed Bounteous Magnificence, as do you. Your fate is sealed, insignificant one.”

“Big talk! Well, my Master, the Squinty-Eyed Cheating Asshat, kitted me out with a machine gun.”

Rat-a-tat-a-tat!

“I win! All hail the prawns.”

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Roger Bultot.

Copyright Roger Bultot

All was quiet in the museum, scarcely visited, going bust… until the skylight exploded and soldiers roped down, firing weapons, dropping flash-bangs.

Faster than Emergency Responders came a new wave of visitors, gawking at the carnage, taking photos, shooting videos, instantly uploaded, a million ‘likes’ an hour.

Now it’s a permanent exhibit, the bodies left where they fell, grieving families paid off. The sole survivor (now on staff) recites the words spoken by soldiers, to the delight of the crowd.

“This isn’t the Muzbekistan Embassy. Dammit, all those skylights look the same from a chopper…”

Welcome to the 21^st Century.

Here is my rather rushed story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jilly Funell.

I had to chop about a bazillion words out of this 😦

Copyright Jilly Funell

It is said that British rule in Gibraltar will fall if ever the monkeys leave, however…

When the structure appeared (overnight, just outside Bristol), there was much speculation. Finally, the world’s greatest minds proclaimed it a Monolith (after a beer-fuelled viewing of “2001 A Space Odyssey”) and, remembering the film, imported chimpanzees to see what might happen.

These enthusiastic chimps proceeded to use it as a climbing frame and flourished – fortunately for Mankind, for their antics disrupted the attack signal emanating space-wards from this giant antenna.

… in reality, Mankind’s rule over Earth will fall if ever the chimps leave Bristol.

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. She also provided the photo this week.

Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Intimate residence in secluded location. Set at a novel angle with authentic Medieval windows, this period property features original heating and plumbing. With fully ventilated bathroom facilities and a unique open plan design, this period property must be seen to be believed!

[Due to recent clarity laws we are legally bound to translate, see below]

Tiny, middle of nowhere. Foundations collapsing, glass-less slits for windows, this old dump has a fire pit for heat and no plumbing whatsoever. Bathe in the river and crap behind a tree, one single largely useless room, it’s unbelievable we’re trying to sell this disaster!

Here is my little story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Sandra Crook.

My story this week once again includes “sound effects” (some imagination required)!

Copyright Sandra Crook

It’s Andy “Accident-Prone” Andrews’ first day at the Museum of Pre-Apocalypse Earth…

“Oops, I’m sure that wasn’t valuable… moving on, here we see the last surviving example of a ‘wooden’ table. One sec, someone’s left a bunch of crap on it…”

Sweep, crash, tinkle

“That’s better. This so-called ‘wood’ was very solid…”

Knock knock

“… and as I demonstrate with this flame thrower, completely resistant to…”

Whoomp!

“…oops, um, all part of the show, folks, um, over here we see the last surviving ‘atomic bomb’. As you can see if I hit it with this sledgehammer, it’s completely resistant to…”

WHOOOOOOOOMP!

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Priorhouse.

My story this week relies on a quite horrible play on words. Sorry, but it cracked me up 🙂

Copyright Priorhouse

“All delivered, Conference Room B.”

“What? B? Our targets are in A!”

“Who’s in B then?”

“The Annual Conference of the Nuns of St Fortune. You delivered nerve toxin coffees to nuns!”

“Do you go to hell for accidentally massacring nuns?”

“I don’t wanna go to hell! We’d better go look.”

In Conference Room B…

“Eh? They’re all fine! What does it say on the packet?”

“Um… Lethal, no antidote, see overleaf for immunity information.”

“So what’s the immunity information?”

“I already checked, there isn’t any. ‘Persons Immune: Nun’. Wow, I thought that was a typo.”

“What a stroke of luck!”

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Dale Rogerson.

Copyright Dale Rogerson

Flapping excitedly, the United Umbrella Revolutionary Army floated into view. Fully unfurled, they hurled themselves at the unsuspecting diners, canopies locked in attack positions.

Their vanguard, a “Big Red”, was accidentally trampled underfoot. Another, caught by a freak gust of wind from an open window, screamed as it blew inside out and fell to the floor, mortally wounded. A third was grabbed by an oblivious customer and dragged outside, the better to shelter from the rain.

Retreat! was the watchword of the day as the battered survivors rose to the rafters.

They had lost the battle. BUT NOT THE WAR.

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo this week was contributed by J Hardy Carroll.

After last week’s darkness, a silly little one this week from me. It includes my special sound effects (patent pending).

Copyright J Hardy Carroll

“Have you reversed that shrink ray yet?”

“Nearly.”

“Unbelievable. Three weeks stuck in a shrunken church. Which is now an ornament. An ornament! At my time of life…”

“One sec.”

“Didn’t you think? Didn’t you consider…”

“Well, clearly not.”

“That cat has been giving me the evils. He looks hungry…”

“Got it!”

Zzzzzzzzzzap! Crunch! Splinter!

“Oh, that’s just great. Enlarge us inside the guy’s house. What a mess.”

“Will you stop moaning?”

“And look! The church enlarged, we’re still tiny! Did you program for bio-matter? That’s just marvellous, that is. And here comes that cat again… oh crap.”

MEEEEOW! Munch!

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Gah Learner.

Is that the moon in the photo? Is it though?

Copyright Gah Learner

“Inexhaustible energy” was the claim. “Draw our energy directly from the source. We could do anything, colonise the universe! Ultimate power, unstoppable!”

Decades of work had seen “solar extractors” positioned in orbit around the sun. Pure energy, dragged from the sun’s gravitational pull and transmitted to Earth.

But you can’t mess with Nature. There’s a delicate balance, an order to things.

The sun darkened and died as its nuclear furnace burned the last of its fuel, a billion years before its time.

And Mankind, which months ago had fancied itself gods, drifted into frozen obscurity, just another flawed, forgotten mistake.

Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Nathan Sowers, Dawn Miller’s grandson.

I quickly wrote this in my lunch break so that I at least had something, but had no time to write anything else.

Copyright Nathan Sowers, grandson of Dawn M Miller!

Have you ever woken up in the morning with little recollection of the night before? Was there perhaps a suspicious puncture wound on your neck?

Did you open your curtains to let the sunshine in, only for your head to burst into flames?

Did you check the fire damage in a mirror only to find you HAD NO REFLECTION?

If you’ve answered “yes” to all these questions, then Vampires Anonymous could be for you. If you’re newly turned and have nowhere else to go, pop along for a bite. You’re not alone!

Free blood and cookies at your first meeting!