FF – The Aspiring Musician
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Anshu Bhojnagarwala.
Another story which came straight into my head. Yay!
Copyright Anshu Bhojnagarwala
“What the hell is that?”
“I got it from the dump. Pretty great, huh?”
“It’s got a tree growing out of it.”
“You’ve heard of house music? Garage?”
“Yessss….”
“This is gonna be ‘Plant’.”
“Jesus.”
“Here goes…”
Thunk! Crash!
A cat’s tail, poking out from beneath the rubble, twitched once and was still.
“YOU KILLED MR FLUFFY, YOU MURDERER!”
“Maybe it was a bit knackered. I saw a guitar with mushrooms growing out of it down the dump… ‘Fungus’! Awesome!”
Meanwhile Mr Fluffy, one of his nine lives sadly gone, extricated himself and trotted away in search of a less insane human.
Sharing My World 04-03-2019
Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.
What’s the first thing you notice about a person?
Probably their face. I’m checking for their general demeanour so I can judge my first words accordingly. Of course, subconsciously I’m probably processing all sorts.
What three habits do you feel would improve someone’s life?
These three. Well, that’s really two-and-a-half habits.
What takes up too much of your time? Would you stop that if you could?
Housework. That’s gotta take up at least half an hour a week. At least 🙂
Cookies (biscuits to those elsewhere), pastries, pie or cake? If not, what does your sweet tooth crave?
All of those! And chocolate, obviously.
FF – Don’t be a Jeff!
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.
Copyright C.E. Ayr
Jeff bid goodbye to his mates and left the pub. The other members of the motorcycle gang left en masse but Jeff slunk around the corner to his piddly little moped. As his fellows roared off on their testosterone-fuelled hogs, Jeff opened his throttle and charged off at his top speed of 17mph, head down.
But – too late! He had been spotted! The video was online! Jeff’s street cred was ruined!
Don’t let this happen to you. Visit Mike’s Bikes today! Get yourself a Harley!
10% discount for members of the Death’s Head Slasher Biker Gang
Don’t be a Jeff!
Sharing My World 25-02-2019
Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World. Here’s the logo!
What, in your opinion, is the point to life?
Well, there’s a tricky question and no mistake. I’ll just go with “be nice to everyone and make a difference” and try not to think about how little our 70 years matters to a 13 billion year old universe or even to Chk’B’Grkk, a sanitation engineer from Glop Minor in the Beebop galaxy.
What was your most recent lie? You don’t have to get really specific obviously.
I never lie. There you go.
What country do you consider the strangest?
Most other countries seem strange in some way – different customs, different laws, different food and culture.
What’s your funniest story involving a car?
There was one time long ago when we got in a friend’s car and he accidentally set the alarm. “Right, nobody move” were his exact words as I recall. Obviously he set it off when he tried to disarm it. So at least he knew it worked.
FF – Ye Tragedy at Red Mountain
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by Jean L. Hays.
Here’s the link for all the stories. I don’t know how to make the big blue froggy work 😦
I was in a weird mood when I wrote this and I had a headache. So here’s a weird story which will give you a headache.
Copyright Jean L. Hays
Ye Tragedy at Red Mountain
And so did it come to pass that the killer slugs reached Red Mountain, and thus did the townsfolk shelter in ye Deli, for its shelves were filled to bursting with salt.
And the townsfolk did surround ye bastion with salt, and the slugs did dissolve, and the townsfolk did rejoice, and did not escape as they were urged!
As the salt did deplete, removed they their eye-glasses to construct a giant magnifier. And brave Sebastian did climb the roof with the glass to fry the slugs.
And then did the sun go in and the townsfolk did die.
Idiots.
The End.
Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever 2019
It’s that time of the year again! This is the sixth annual Evil Squirrel Contest of Whatever and this year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar…” That’s pretty open-ended, which actually made it a bit harder…
I pulled out all the stops here and engaged the services of DraliDoodles(TM). After a long period of inaction, I was glad to see they hadn’t lost their touch – their artwork is as realistic and awe-inspiring as ever! I have a suspicion they re-used the same images in every picture, though…
Now the warning – if you’re in any way upset by rudeness and/or blatant double entrendres, close your browser now! It relies very heavily on multiple meanings for words, but I’m afraid this is a very busy month and that’s all my childish brain could manage 😦
The name’s Gnutty. Gnutty McSquirrel. Yes, I’m tall. I’m bigger than the average squirrel. I’m also a PI. That’s a dick to you. A private dick.
There’s huge demand for a big dick in this town.
I come to this bar for the nuts. And the beer. But mostly for the nuts.
I love big nuts.
This broad walks in. Legs up to here. She sits on a bar stool. My bar stool. She sips the froth off a beer. My beer. She eats some nuts. My nuts.
That’s quite a woman, eating my nuts.
She tells me she needs a dick. I tell her I’m available, for a price. She reaches for her purse. I tell her that’s not what I had in mind. I need my pipes cleaning. She comes back to mine and we go to my back room.
I expose my organ.
She grabs a cloth and gets rubbing. First the pipes, then the keyboard. I play a few chords from Phantom of the Opera. Much better.
I ask if she’d like a slow comfortable screw against the wall.
She says she would. I grab the vodka and liqueurs and ask her what she wants. She says she cheated on her husband but can’t remember who with. It was dark, she says.
She needs to know who it was. She wants to make sure he doesn’t tell hubbie. She wants to shout at him. Yell at him. Scream at him.
She wants to give him a good tongue-lashing.
Turns out it was me. Thought she looked familiar. Easy case. I won’t talk. Maybe. For a price.
Told you I was a big dick.
Sharing My World 24-02-2019
Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.
If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?
Not have to sleep? But sleeping’s one of my favourite things. If I didn’t have to sleep I’d spend the extra time researching a cure for fellow sufferers of “sleep immunity syndrome”.
What job would you be terrible at?
Nearly everything! Especially stuff where I’d have to deal with people. Or any sort of manual labour as I’m not really string enough to lift stuff around.
When was the last time you climbed a tree?
Too long ago to remember. I have a vague memory that I might have climbed a tree once.
Do you count your steps?
No. The totals wouldn’t make for very good reading, to be honest. I would say “I need to get more exercise” but that would imply I already get some…
What’s the dumbest way you’ve injured yourself?
Many years ago after watching The Pogues in concert near Stuttgart, I exited the building (quite drunk) and stepped off the edge of the steps. I fell straight forwards onto my face – no attempt at all to save myself (and therefore no broken wrists). My glasses got a bit bent and I got a scrape on my face, but it was more embarrassing than anything 🙂
FF – The Glass World
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. She also contributed the photo this week.
I was worried this week as I’m out at the cinema later and will have no time to think of a story, but I had an idea the instant I saw the photo and the story was finished ten minutes later. I love it when a plan comes together 🙂
Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
He looked sadly, resigned, at the flowers. Once so vibrant, they had taken on a different kind of beauty. Harsh, rigid, eternal.
Already he could feel the bioweapon coursing through his veins. His legs hung heavy from the edge of the chair, opalescent, a multi-coloured perfection no glass-blower could hope to replicate.
His mistake, of course, had been to add the pathogen to the water supply, free to infect every living thing, a misguided protest at the folly of Man now become Mankind’s end.
On reflection, testing the antidote before releasing the virus would have been a good idea, too.
Sharing My World 17-02-2019
Here is my post for Melanie’s Share Your World.
What’s your favourite way to spend a weekend?
Relaxing, a bit of reading, some PS4 and Netflix 🙂
Who do you admire most in the world?
Who? No-one in particular. Lots of people have great qualities. We could distil all those and create some sort of super-amazing person. But I think it’s better that everyone has something admirable about them. Share the love!
What do you regret not doing?
I regret not doing pretty much everything I didn’t do. Similarly I regret doing a load of stuff I did do. So we’re even.
If you see a puddle on the ground, do you walk around it or over/in it?
Since I don’t typically walk around the place in 100% waterproof shoes I generally try not to submerge my feet in muddy water.
FF – Hors d’oeuvres
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by J Hardy Carroll.
I had no time today to even think of a story and was beginning to panic, but fortunately this occurred to me on the way home, thinking of that strange thing at the upstairs window…
Copyright J Hardy Carroll
“A beautiful location, miles from anywhere.”
“It is beautiful!”
“Notice the brickwork, the original windows…”
“Oh my, yes! And what’s that up there, it looks like OH MY GOD IT’S A SEVERED HEAD!”
“No, no, of course it’s not…”
“SEVERED HEAD! SEVERED HEAD!”
“I’m sure it’s just left over from Halloween.”
“SEVERED… do you really think so?”
“Realistic but clearly fake.”
“Oh, I feel so silly!”
“Nonsense, not at all. Listen, the owners are friends of mine. I’m sure they’d love to… have you for dinner.”
“Oh, lovely! Will there be hors d’oeuvre?”
“Lady, you are the… um, yes.”
“Lovely!”
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Woohoo!
I totally didn't win!
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