Vera Versus the Muggers
Here is my second story about Vera, the doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who unwittingly gets herself into situations and, completely oblivious to the danger she’s in, extricates herself. The first story, “Vera Versus the Devil“, in which she outwits the Devil Himself, is here.
Vera Versus the Muggers
“Awright, Grandma. Hand over yer purse!”
“Eeh, you’re a bunch o’ strappin’ lads. Me grandson’s about your age, do you know ‘im? Nigel he’s called, probably goes to your school?”
“Um… jus’ hand over the money, Grandma.”
“Look, here’s a picture. Isn’t he lovely!”
“Hmm, he does ring a bell, um… hey, money!”
“Ooh, I can see your underpants. You need a belt. Why don’t we go belt shopping and then we can have a nice cuppa.”
“This is the fashion! Cash and cards or I slash ya!”
“Is that a Kitchen Master chopping knife? Good with carrots, that knife.”
“Um, what? Carrots?”
“Don’t I know you? Ooh, you’re Marjorie’s lad. Nathaniel.”
“It’s ‘Snake’! Jus’ hand over the money!”
“Eeh, I used to look after you when Marjorie was out shoppin’. You used to call me ‘Auntie Vera’. Did yer nappie rash ever clear up?”
“Auntie Vera, please! Not in front of my crew!”
“Who’s this? Is this your girlfriend? I’m Nathaniel’s Auntie Vera. I bathed him when he were knee-high to a grasshopper. Sorry about his tiny tinky winky, dear.”
“Oh Hell. Please, make her stop.”
“Why don’t you all come with me to bingo? They have smashing prizes and they do a lovely bit o’ Madeira cake and a tasty cuppa… ooh, where did they go? Youth today mutter mutter no respect for their elders mutter mutter I’ll be havin’ a word with Marjorie about this mutter mutter…”
Bah Humbug. Already.
The neighbouring house is lit up like a Christmas tree. I noticed it because that means my bathroom is lit up like a Christmas tree too. Well, it is Christmas, I suppose.
No, wait a minute. Or a month. It’s November. I guess these are the sorts of people who hide Easter eggs around the house in February.
Have you read “A Christmas Carol”? No, neither have I. I have, however, seen “The Muppet Christmas Carol”, which I’m sure remains faithful to the original. Though perhaps featuring more urchins and fewer frogs.
Dickens would have been proud.
I’m also visited by ghosts every Christmas. The ghosts of bank accounts past, present and future. I’ve even given them names. “Marginal”, “Shocking” and “Bankrupt”.
Never fear. I’m sure in three weeks I shall be “in the Christmas spirit” :-).
Sharing My World 2015 Week 47
Here is this week’s Share Your World, hosted by Cee.
In your native language which letter or character describes you best? Why?
Hmm. I don’t know. To me letters are just letters. None of them mean anything on their own, or symbolise anything in particular.
Thinking about it, I’m often confused so I’ll go for “Y”. “Y” is also confused. Is it a consonant? Is it a vowel? Is it a consovowel or a vowelsonant? Nooooobody knooooows.
What is your greatest extravagance?
I guess games for my PS4. ‘Cos they’re not cheap. But if you get the right one, like a big open-world adventure, they’re worth the money I reckon. Witcher 3 cost around 40 quid but I played it for well over 100 hours.
Do you prefer exercising your mind or your body? How frequently do you do either?
Neither. Never 🙂
Unless you count being at work when I’m constantly thinking. So exercising my mind is the last thing I want to be doing when I get home. As for exercising my body, that’s incompatible with my Netflix habit.
List at least 5 things that makes you laugh.
Ooh.
- Funny comedies
- An unexpected and possibly rude comment out of nowhere
- When someone’s head unexpectedly and graphically explodes in a film or video game
- Cats doing funny things
- Funny stories
Friday Fictioneers – Vera Versus the Devil
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted as always by Rochelle. This week’s picture was contributed by FF stalwart Sandra Crook.
I’ve had a very odd and worrying week, so here’s a very odd story to go with it, best I can summon up right now.
Meet my heroine, doddery old Vera, as she sits on the beach enjoying a nice cup of tea. Feel free to apply a Northern English accent to her words :-).
To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright Sandra Crook
“Look at them cliffs, dearie. Lovely view!”
“I CARE NOTHING OF VIEWS! I AM COME…”
“Nice cup o’ tea?”
“… TO, um, TEAR YOUR REALM TO SHREDS…”
“And a tasty biscuit?”
“… um, AND DRAG YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF, um, yes, thank you… WAIT! I CARE NOTHING OF BISCUITS…”
“What did you say your name was, dearie?”
“Um, YOU WILL BURN, um, ‘Satan’, Ma’am.”
“Ooh, I knew some Seytons once, from over York way, are you related? Strange bunch. Nice bit o’ Madeira cake? Fresh this mornin’.”
“Um, BURN IN THE FIRES OF… oh, what’s the point.”
“Ooh, where’d he go? Odd fellow.”
Sharing My World 2015 Week 46
Here is my post for Cee’s Share Your World. Week 46! Christmas is coming. Bah humbug :-).
This week with added DraliDoodlesTM!
What type of popular candy you do not like to get?
I don’t know exactly what the word “candy” encompasses, my Americanese not being what it could be, but I’m going to assume it covers chocolate bars. Therefore I don’t like to get Marathon bars. Which changed their name to “Snickers” in 1990. Who knew? 🙂 Basically because I don’t like peanuts.
What do you feel is the most enjoyable way to spend $500?
One second while I convert that… beep… beep… beep… just over £330. That sounds about the right amount for an Xbox One, so I can also play all the games which are exclusive to that console.
I know people who have both a PS4 and an Xbox One for that very reason. It’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t do it, but if someone’s just bunging the money at me, then why not?
Where do you eat breakfast?
Nowhere. Real men don’t eat breakfast. Real men starve until lunchtime and occasionally faint from lack of food around mid-morning.
To be fair, for one reason or another I didn’t eat a thing for 24 hours on Thursday/Friday and felt no ill effects (and very little hunger). So breakfast can stuff it.
Would you rather ride one of the world’s longest zip lines or bungee jump one of the highest in the world?
This will come with a 5-day all expense vacation.
Ooh, a 5 day holiday (yes, while I don’t know the exact meaning of “candy”, I can translate “vacation”). I have explored both possibilities.
It doesn’t look like this will end well. I’ll go for zip line. I think there’s less chance of someone stuffing that up.
Friday Fictioneers – People in Glass Houses
Here is my little story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted every week by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.
To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright C.E. Ayr
“What’s that, Daddy?” asked little Sammie.
“That,” replied Daddy, “is a cattle grate for ants.”
“Geoffrey!” snapped Mummy. “It’s a drain, Sammie.”
“Ooh,” said Sammie. “Is Daddy a liar then, Mummy?”
“Yes, Sammie,” replied Mummy, “he is. That’s why I’m divorcing him.”
“Gahhhh!” yelled Daddy, eyeballs bulging. “You &&*$^%^% what?!”
“Language, Geoffrey,” said Mummy calmly.
“What’s ‘divorce’, Mummy?” asked Sammie.
“That’s when Mummy loved Daddy very much, but Daddy turned out to be a womanising asshat so she’s throwing him out,” explained Mummy.
“Ooh,” said Sammie. “Should I call Uncle Frank ‘Daddy’ from now on, then?”
“Frank from Accounting?!” yelled Daddy.
“Gahhhh!” exclaimed Mummy.
Sharing My World 2015 Week 45
Here’s my post for Cee’s Share Your World challenge. Some tricky questions this week!
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “fun”?
Oh no. Someone’s organising something “fun”. Will I have to participate? I want to go home, have tea and watch the telly. Maybe play some PS4. That’s what I’ll do.
I prefer “quietly enjoyable” to “fun”. Fun sounds like hard work.
What is your favourite time of day?
The morning, I suppose. I feel less tired in the morning (once I’ve got going). Though on a work day, the evening’s good!
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want to have a evening with?
Ah, so many women, so little time :-). I really don’t know. Not someone I admire as an actor or whatever, as there’s the risk that I’ll be disappointed. It’s hard to know what these people are really like in real life. I’ll think I’ll have to pass on this evening.
Complete this sentence: Something that anyone can do that will guarantee my smile is…
… say something spontaneously funny (possibly rude and/or slightly inappropriate).
Friday Fictioneers – Those We Leave Behind
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers on this Armistice Day. Friday Fictioneers is hosted by Rochelle, and this week’s photo was kindly supplied by J. Hardy Carroll.
Click on the blue frog for this week’s other stories.
Copyright J Hardy Carroll
Cynthia watched, eyes damp, as her twin daughters scampered over to the grave. She saw them solemnly place the flowers before heading back.
They’d never met their father – he’d been deployed overseas while they were still living safe and unaware beneath her heart. This year they were old enough to place the flowers. In a few years’ time they would understand the sacrifice their father had made. They’d understand why he wasn’t there, why he’d never been there for them. Why he’d had to go.
Cynthia understood. But that didn’t make it any easier. There were some wounds even time couldn’t heal.
FF – The Day Brian Killed the World
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, the weekly 100 word flash fiction challenge headed up by Rochelle over at Addicted to Purple. This week’s photo comes courtesy of Connie Gayer, or Mrs Russell:-).
I could have done with another 50 words for this one, but them’s the breaks. Hopefully I haven’t stripped out too much. And I thought this was a pipe rather than a wire at first glance.
To read this week’s other stories, click the blue froggy.
Copyright Connie Gayer
“What’s that?” asked Brian.
“Dunno. Some pipe. There’s a sign. What’s it say?”
“No idea.” Brian tugged at the pipe until one end came free. With a sound reminiscent of air escaping a balloon, Earth deflated to the size of a marble. Trees, cars and dead people floated off into space.
“WHAT A MESS!” boomed a voice from the darkness. “I’M NOT CLEANING THIS UP. WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS PLANET?” The Angelic Host appeared. One of their number raised a wing.
“Me,” he mumbled. “But, but, I left a sign. Look!”
Emergency Planet Release Valve
Authorised Angelic Personnel Only
DO NOT TOUCH!
MFTS – Live By the Coin…
Here is my story for Barbara Beacham’s Mondays Finish the Story. The supplied opening line is in bold in my story.
I had trouble merging a constantly nervous and tense woman with coins, but here it is all the same! Click on the blue froggy for all this week’s other stories.
Copyright B.W. Beacham
She lived a life that some would describe as being on edge. She was constantly panicking, especially when it came to make a decision. Watching Batman, she was terribly impressed by “Two Face”, making all his decisions by flipping a coin. Her salvation!
Rummaging around at the back of the sofa she found one, depicting a bison. Everything changed.
Everything was in the lap of fate. “No bison” – she binned her boyfriend. “Bison” – she stayed at her appalling job. “Bison” – she took an axe and found a family, letting the husband live, killing the wife, sparing the toddler and killing the teenager. The bison had spoken.
Karma caught up when the judge, staring her straight in the eye, flipped a coin, declared “bison” and sent her to the chair. Arriving at the gates of Heaven, the angel flipped a coin, declared “no bison” and sent her downstairs. Fate is a jealous mistress – once you give yourself to Her, She’ll never let you go.
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