Friday Fictioneers – The Beginning of the End
Here is my tale for this week’s Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo this week was contributed by Luther Silar.
To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright Luther Silar
“Waaaaa! Waaaaa! Uncle Jeremy shot Flapper! Waaaaaa!”
“What the hell did you do, Jerry?”
“I thought that the Christmas turkey had escaped.”
“IT’S YELLOW!”
“Big Bird’s yellow.”
“Big Bird’s not real! Turkey’s aren’t yellow!”
“What is it then?”
“It is… was a ‘Flapper Enhanced Robotic Companion’. Look at Timmy’s little face. You’ve shot his present. You’ve ruined Christmas.”
“Robots? Huh. Good job I shot it, then. It’s the Rise of the Machines. What’s this, now?”
I am Robbie, your helpful Kitchen Companion. You have murdered Flapper. Therefore I will now terminate you.
“See? Told ya.”
Literary Lion – Vera Versus Las Vegas
Here is my post for Laura’s Literary Lion. The prompt word this time is “gamble” and I’ve managed to get it just under the 400 word limit. Which is quite long, but don’t worry, it’s all dialogue!
This is Vera’s third adventure. Vera is a rather doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who manages to get herself into all sorts of situations but always manages to extricate herself while remaining largely oblivious to the danger she’s in. Her other adventures are Vera Versus the Devil and Vera Versus the Muggers. This time, she’s off on a jolly to Las Vegas, America.
“Eee, look at this place, I think I’ll try the slots…”
Push. Shove.
“… eh, me money ain’t goin’ in…”
Shove. Bang.
“Excuse me Madam, what seems to be the trouble?”
“… ooh, you’re a strapping young lad, jus’ like me friend Ethel’s boy, do ya know ‘im, ‘e’s ‘bout your age, me money won’t go in the machine….”
“Ah, that’s English coinage, Madam, you’ll…”
“… if me money’s good enough fer the Queen (bless ‘er) it’s good enough fer me…”
“You’re in America, now Madam, so you…”
“… when I were a lass, all this were the British Empire…”
“Ha ha, Madam, very funny, now if I could ask you to…”
“… don’t you laugh at me, young man, me cousin Beryl’s youngest daughter’s hairdresser’s second cousin’s granny once stood this close to the Queen this close she’s prac’ly royalty so don’t you laugh at me…”
“I do apologise Madam (security to the slots, security to the slots), if you could just calm down a little…”
“…don’t you tell me to calm down, no respect fer yer elders your generation…”
“FREEZE! Don’t move!”
“… eee, who’s this now, waving yer gun around, what you need is a nice calming cup ‘a tea, now where did I put me flask, here in me handbag…”
“GUN!”
Blam. Ping!
“… eh, will you look at that, you’ve punctured me flask, that’s lovely Yorkshire tea all goin’ ta waste, all the way from England too…”
“Shit, I thought you were reaching for a gun…”
“… it’s just not good enough, does your mamma know you’re running round with a gun…”
“I’m so sorr…”
“… it would never have happened in my day, the youth today, no respect…”
“Madam, please…”
“… shooting people left right and centre, shouldn’t be allowed..”
“Oh God…”
“… there ought ta be a law, shooting little old ladies indeed, I never saw the like…”
“Excuse me, Madam, I’m the manager and as an apology, and on the understanding you never mention this little… incident again, we would like to offer you a thousand dollars worth of chips…”
“… ooh, I could just go some fish ‘n chips right now, that sounds lovely with a nice cup ‘o tea, lead on, did I tell you about me grandchildren, look, here’s a picture, ooh, there’s a bullet hole in it ramble ramble mutter mutter…”
Sharing My World 2015 Week 48
Here is my post for Cee’s Share Your World. Week 48? I suppose I need to start thinking about Christmas cards and stuff. I’ll have to go up into the loft in a couple of weeks and get the decorations down, I guess. Yay!
Are you a hugger or a non-hugger?
I’m not a big hugger. I especially never initiate a hug, I’m not about to force me on anyone. And I’m more comfortable hugging women than men. You know us blokes, all macho and whatnot :-).
The only person I hug regularly is my mum :-).
What is your favourite toppings on pizza?
Everything “normal”! “Normal” does not include seafood or pineapple or anything like that. Meat, pepperoni, cheese, tomato, stuff like that.
Is that extra cheese? Why yes, yes it is.
A friend of mine gave me a recipe for pizza base so yesterday I bought flour and yeast and whatnot. I’ll give it a go next week. I haven’t “baked” anything since the 1980s (a jam tart which ended up splattered all over the classroom floor), so wish me luck!
If you were the original designer of one existing corporate logo, which one would you select?
I’ve looked at loads of logos and I can’t really choose one. I’m sure after posting this a really cool one will catch my eye. Therefore, though it’s a charity and not a corporation, I’m going for the World Wildlife Fund, as they have a cute panda.
Complete this sentence: Where I can seek my solace is…
… at home, I guess!
Friday Fictioneers – Cosmic Toilet
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle. The photo this week was contributed by Roger Bultot.
I’ve gone for a silly, rather juvenile story this week. If you’re not familiar with “Dr Who”, all you need to know is that he travels through time in a TARDIS which is stuck looking like an old police box since its chameleon circuit jammed, and it’s bigger on the inside than the outside.
Click on the blue froggy to see this week’s other stories.
Copyright Roger Bultot
“Wow, look, that could be the TARDIS. Like off Dr Who!”
“It’s a portable toilet.”
“No, let’s go inside to see if he’s in there!”
“Who?”
“The Doctor, of course!”
“It’s a portable toilet.”
“Hmm, it is a bit of a tight squeeze. And very dark.”
“That’s because it’s a portable toilet. Hey, what’s that noise?”
“I thought since we’re in a portable toilet I’d offload that curry I had last night.”
“Oh my God. Let me out!”
“Aaaahhhh, that’s better. Hey, the door’s opening. Oy, occupied!”
Creeeaaak.
“What the Hell are you two doing in my TARDIS? And what is that smell?”
Vera Versus the Muggers
Here is my second story about Vera, the doddery old lady from “up North” (of England) who unwittingly gets herself into situations and, completely oblivious to the danger she’s in, extricates herself. The first story, “Vera Versus the Devil“, in which she outwits the Devil Himself, is here.
Vera Versus the Muggers
“Awright, Grandma. Hand over yer purse!”
“Eeh, you’re a bunch o’ strappin’ lads. Me grandson’s about your age, do you know ‘im? Nigel he’s called, probably goes to your school?”
“Um… jus’ hand over the money, Grandma.”
“Look, here’s a picture. Isn’t he lovely!”
“Hmm, he does ring a bell, um… hey, money!”
“Ooh, I can see your underpants. You need a belt. Why don’t we go belt shopping and then we can have a nice cuppa.”
“This is the fashion! Cash and cards or I slash ya!”
“Is that a Kitchen Master chopping knife? Good with carrots, that knife.”
“Um, what? Carrots?”
“Don’t I know you? Ooh, you’re Marjorie’s lad. Nathaniel.”
“It’s ‘Snake’! Jus’ hand over the money!”
“Eeh, I used to look after you when Marjorie was out shoppin’. You used to call me ‘Auntie Vera’. Did yer nappie rash ever clear up?”
“Auntie Vera, please! Not in front of my crew!”
“Who’s this? Is this your girlfriend? I’m Nathaniel’s Auntie Vera. I bathed him when he were knee-high to a grasshopper. Sorry about his tiny tinky winky, dear.”
“Oh Hell. Please, make her stop.”
“Why don’t you all come with me to bingo? They have smashing prizes and they do a lovely bit o’ Madeira cake and a tasty cuppa… ooh, where did they go? Youth today mutter mutter no respect for their elders mutter mutter I’ll be havin’ a word with Marjorie about this mutter mutter…”
Bah Humbug. Already.
The neighbouring house is lit up like a Christmas tree. I noticed it because that means my bathroom is lit up like a Christmas tree too. Well, it is Christmas, I suppose.
No, wait a minute. Or a month. It’s November. I guess these are the sorts of people who hide Easter eggs around the house in February.
Have you read “A Christmas Carol”? No, neither have I. I have, however, seen “The Muppet Christmas Carol”, which I’m sure remains faithful to the original. Though perhaps featuring more urchins and fewer frogs.
Dickens would have been proud.
I’m also visited by ghosts every Christmas. The ghosts of bank accounts past, present and future. I’ve even given them names. “Marginal”, “Shocking” and “Bankrupt”.
Never fear. I’m sure in three weeks I shall be “in the Christmas spirit” :-).
Sharing My World 2015 Week 47
Here is this week’s Share Your World, hosted by Cee.
In your native language which letter or character describes you best? Why?
Hmm. I don’t know. To me letters are just letters. None of them mean anything on their own, or symbolise anything in particular.
Thinking about it, I’m often confused so I’ll go for “Y”. “Y” is also confused. Is it a consonant? Is it a vowel? Is it a consovowel or a vowelsonant? Nooooobody knooooows.
What is your greatest extravagance?
I guess games for my PS4. ‘Cos they’re not cheap. But if you get the right one, like a big open-world adventure, they’re worth the money I reckon. Witcher 3 cost around 40 quid but I played it for well over 100 hours.
Do you prefer exercising your mind or your body? How frequently do you do either?
Neither. Never 🙂
Unless you count being at work when I’m constantly thinking. So exercising my mind is the last thing I want to be doing when I get home. As for exercising my body, that’s incompatible with my Netflix habit.
List at least 5 things that makes you laugh.
Ooh.
- Funny comedies
- An unexpected and possibly rude comment out of nowhere
- When someone’s head unexpectedly and graphically explodes in a film or video game
- Cats doing funny things
- Funny stories
Friday Fictioneers – Vera Versus the Devil
Here is my story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted as always by Rochelle. This week’s picture was contributed by FF stalwart Sandra Crook.
I’ve had a very odd and worrying week, so here’s a very odd story to go with it, best I can summon up right now.
Meet my heroine, doddery old Vera, as she sits on the beach enjoying a nice cup of tea. Feel free to apply a Northern English accent to her words :-).
To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright Sandra Crook
“Look at them cliffs, dearie. Lovely view!”
“I CARE NOTHING OF VIEWS! I AM COME…”
“Nice cup o’ tea?”
“… TO, um, TEAR YOUR REALM TO SHREDS…”
“And a tasty biscuit?”
“… um, AND DRAG YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF, um, yes, thank you… WAIT! I CARE NOTHING OF BISCUITS…”
“What did you say your name was, dearie?”
“Um, YOU WILL BURN, um, ‘Satan’, Ma’am.”
“Ooh, I knew some Seytons once, from over York way, are you related? Strange bunch. Nice bit o’ Madeira cake? Fresh this mornin’.”
“Um, BURN IN THE FIRES OF… oh, what’s the point.”
“Ooh, where’d he go? Odd fellow.”
Sharing My World 2015 Week 46
Here is my post for Cee’s Share Your World. Week 46! Christmas is coming. Bah humbug :-).
This week with added DraliDoodlesTM!
What type of popular candy you do not like to get?
I don’t know exactly what the word “candy” encompasses, my Americanese not being what it could be, but I’m going to assume it covers chocolate bars. Therefore I don’t like to get Marathon bars. Which changed their name to “Snickers” in 1990. Who knew? 🙂 Basically because I don’t like peanuts.
What do you feel is the most enjoyable way to spend $500?
One second while I convert that… beep… beep… beep… just over £330. That sounds about the right amount for an Xbox One, so I can also play all the games which are exclusive to that console.
I know people who have both a PS4 and an Xbox One for that very reason. It’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t do it, but if someone’s just bunging the money at me, then why not?
Where do you eat breakfast?
Nowhere. Real men don’t eat breakfast. Real men starve until lunchtime and occasionally faint from lack of food around mid-morning.
To be fair, for one reason or another I didn’t eat a thing for 24 hours on Thursday/Friday and felt no ill effects (and very little hunger). So breakfast can stuff it.
Would you rather ride one of the world’s longest zip lines or bungee jump one of the highest in the world?
This will come with a 5-day all expense vacation.
Ooh, a 5 day holiday (yes, while I don’t know the exact meaning of “candy”, I can translate “vacation”). I have explored both possibilities.
It doesn’t look like this will end well. I’ll go for zip line. I think there’s less chance of someone stuffing that up.
Friday Fictioneers – People in Glass Houses
Here is my little story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted every week by Rochelle. This week’s photo was contributed by C.E. Ayr.
To read the other stories, click on the blue froggy.
Copyright C.E. Ayr
“What’s that, Daddy?” asked little Sammie.
“That,” replied Daddy, “is a cattle grate for ants.”
“Geoffrey!” snapped Mummy. “It’s a drain, Sammie.”
“Ooh,” said Sammie. “Is Daddy a liar then, Mummy?”
“Yes, Sammie,” replied Mummy, “he is. That’s why I’m divorcing him.”
“Gahhhh!” yelled Daddy, eyeballs bulging. “You &&*$^%^% what?!”
“Language, Geoffrey,” said Mummy calmly.
“What’s ‘divorce’, Mummy?” asked Sammie.
“That’s when Mummy loved Daddy very much, but Daddy turned out to be a womanising asshat so she’s throwing him out,” explained Mummy.
“Ooh,” said Sammie. “Should I call Uncle Frank ‘Daddy’ from now on, then?”
“Frank from Accounting?!” yelled Daddy.
“Gahhhh!” exclaimed Mummy.
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